When your the unsuccessful, poorer friend

[Ncoct]

I have nc for this.
Years ago, I’d say we were about equal financially with friends and family of a similar age.
But a decade later they have pretty much all achieved so much- huge incomes, kids in private schools etc - no money worries.
Yet Dh and I still struggling, we both work hard and are educated, have achieved high level work qualifications yet are constantly in our overdraft,
Dh is very underpaid imo but now there a question mark over even he will keep the job as the company he works for isn’t doing well. I’m constantly stressed we will lose his income by Christmas.
I spent years building my own business but Covid has taken a massive hit on it so I have to rebuild another whilst also looking for a part time job.
It makes it so hard to hear friends & family talking about the fantastic weekends away, the expensive things they just bought. I’m happy for them, but the truth is it’s hard to hear. I’m feeling more and more like I just want to avoid them as it’s just a reminder of how unsuccessful we are.
Part of me feels very angry- why us? Why when we worked just as hard. most of my friends have now given up work as their dh has done so well. I feel huge pressure on me all the time to bring money in, but I can’t talk to them as it’s just not something they have to worry about anymore.

I’m to ashamed to admit to anyone how bad things are, I’m ashamed of the anger I feel. I try and be grateful for what we Do have but I never feel secure as we might lose it. I just wanted to get this off my chest as it’s been eating away at me.
Has anyone Been the poorer friend/ family member? How did you cope with it? How did you turn things around?

Easier said than done, but learn to not compare yourself with others. Success and happiness is not a zero sum game, so try try try to feel genuinely happy for your friends.

I know it's trite but when you feel like this count your blessings, DH and I are the "poor friends" but we are happily married, conceived two children easily, are healthy, and still have all our parents.
That's what I do and it helps.

On the money front I guess just don't give up? Our "house deposit savings fund" has a grand total of £4250 in it (In the SE!) but it's better than nothing.

Yup, that's been me. It sucked, and ultimately it ended most of the friendships because we couldn't keep up with them. We got tired of making excuses for why we couldn't afford some fancy party or meal out, and they got tired of feeling "guilty" for planning them.

Out of the 4 strong couples we were friends with, we now see 1 somewhat regularly.

I am the lower earning friend in one group of my friends. There were a few awkward years of them wanting to go on joint holidays, and on expensive nights out that I couldnt afford. I did feel resentful at their expectations. Saying no all the time is crap.

But then I know some felt resentful when I got into a serious relationship and became less available. We all have different things going for us.

Now they are earning even more and go on holidays and for expensive meals with different friends or with their families. I dont feel resentful anymore, and I dont think they do either.

We now do things together that include all of us. So low cost for me, without partners and kids for single friends etc. No need to compare or exclude anyone.

I'm the poor friend. I don't have any advice but can relate, although my situation is a bit different. I'm a lone parent, live in a council house, drive a really shitty car and work for just above minimum wage. Most of my friends have great careers, own their homes and have numerous holidays every year. Can be very depressing at times. I am happy for them of course, I just feel left behind sometimes.

It's easy to say don't compare but what helped me most when I was struggling was to come off social media first and then actually think of people who are worse off than me. I had friends who came to visit me after a traumatic birth in my tiny flat to see me and baby. We were financially struggling at the time and these so called friends came over wearing their Chanel and Louis Vuitton bags which costs as much as my 5 months rent money wearing their Moncler coats and tossed their car keys (Range Rover logo'd) on my coffee table. Ok I was very happy to see them and their thoughtfulness as they brought dc beautiful gifts but being hormonal and in pain and later seeing them posting pictures from
a afternoon tea at the Ritz after visiting me made me delete all my social media accounts. DH comes from a different country and he has very poor relatives, we are well off compared to them and no way would I ever dress like that when seeing them and looking at DH's relatives, I can see how lucky we are and am very grateful for the things I have which are a lovely warm home, children and a loving DH.

Our family and friends are mostly more “successful/rich” than us

They go skiing, to Maldives, kids in private school etc.

I don’t really envy them, as we are happy with the choices we made: we like the local state schools, we have fun seeing family and friends instead of fancy holidays. We don’t eat out, but have nice food at home. We can spend time with DC as no long hours/business travel. I am at home and only work part time so we can have a dog.

I think counting what you have (nice friends, living in a nice place, decent state schools, getting on with eachother, crazy dog that makes us laugh, having a car (so it’s an old Skoda, so what), etc

It’s not all sunshine and roses but I find counting what you have, what matters to you, is so much better than wanting what others have.

IMO private school is not worth it anyway

Saying all that, your worries are real and it sounds very stressful, and I really hope you and your husbands jobs are ok. It’s a stressful time for lots of people.

Your family/friends sound thoughtless and self obsessed with their bragging and their trips, maybe you need to start looking for nicer friends.

I have a friend who often asks why we don’t ski, as she is sure we’d love it... She can’t understand the concept of not having thousands to spend on a holiday