I feel like I’ve got no control over my 9 year old

[BlueBlanketMum]

He is a law unto himself. He is so, SO stubborn and refuses to do things that he doesn’t want to do.

This evening, the rest of the family wanted to go out for a short walk. DS1 wanted to nip to the shop, DP (not the kids’ dad, unlikely to be relevant but don’t want to be told off for drip feeding!) wanted to take the dog out for a walk, and I wanted to get some fresh air post dinner. It would have been a 15 minute walk. DS2 did not want to go. He doesn’t enjoy walking, but unfortunately is overweight and I do try to encourage him to walk even if it’s just a short distance.

Anyway, he lay on the sofa and just completely refuse to move. Anything I said, he ignored. The suggestion of consequences, he ignored. The other two went out and left me at home with him after about 10 minutes of this. I told him he either had to get up off the sofa and go for a walk or do the washing up from dinner. He still wouldn’t get up.

I am not proud of myself, but I lifted him off the sofa and told him he had to do one thing or the other. He was crying at this point, and eventually he agreed to do the washing up together.

I feel like I have no control over him to get him to do anything. That may be a bit of an exaggeration but he is very difficult to motivate to do stuff he doesn’t want to do. When I was younger I always just did what I was told because I knew I would get a very hard smack if I didn’t behave, but I don’t smack my kids and I don’t want them to feel scared of me any comply due to fear. I want them to do things because they are unselfish and realise that they sometimes need to do things for other people!

Maybe that’s too much to ask of a 9 year old?!

But if I can’t get a 9 year old to do what he is being asked to do, what hope have I got when he is a teenager?!

With his brother on the spectrum, have you considered PDA in DS2?

@PicsInRed

With his brother on the spectrum, have you considered PDA in DS2?

Oh, no, I hadn’t. Don’t you have to have an ASSd diagnosis for that?

ASD, sorry.

It sounds as if splitting the brothers up when they visit Dad is the way forward. Not more time with dad, but more time alone with both parents. I appreciate that neither you nor his dad get any child-free days this way though, and you may really need that break.

@PicsInRed

With his brother on the spectrum, have you considered PDA in DS2?

I was thinking exactly the same, reading through this thread.

Has it always been the case that he's stubborn and refuses to do things that he doesn't want to do? (Although with PDA, they find it hard, if not impossible, to do the things they actually want to doand enjoy doing as well.)

@BlueBlanketMum, it is part of the ASD spectrum, but PDA presents very differently to a more "typical" autism presentation.

Bless you, parenting is flipping hard, isn’t it? Only thing I’d add is perhaps don’t take away bedtime story as a punishment in future. I think it’s such an important time to connect and round off the day, especially if your other child takes up a lot of your emotional energy.

I think you’ll have a hard time getting him motivated when he is overweight and eating sugary stuff at his dad’s. He needs to feel energetic in himself and he is instead no doubt feeling sluggish and dull, which will impact on his behaviour. Sounds as if u need to have a talk with his dad.

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

I have a 9 year old. I cant even imagine this. They're still little. They literally rely on your for everything, and you can enforce consequences very easily.

What's you're parenting been like up to now? Do you actually enforce consequences? Or has he grown up with a threat of a consequence but then not actually doing it?

What are his punishments?

Really? My 9 year old certainly does not rely on me for everything, they are heading into the final years at school before moving up to senior school, they are not baby's and need to start being independent.

@BlueBlanketMum turn the internet off and do not back down, your not asking him to help you, your telling him.

@FirefighterA24
Eh, I mean for consequences. At 9, you are still very much in control of wifi, screen time, any tech really, going out to activities, treats etc.

If your 9 year is totally in charge of his own phone, screen time, driving himself to activities and helping himself to whatever treats he likes then you've got problems.

Have you read How to talk so kids will listen, how to listen so kids will talk?

I have a stubborn as fuck step son and DH and I have both found it helpful.

OP I have no answers but wanted to say you have my sympathy and understanding. I have 3 boys, middle one has ASD. The eldest is very stubborn, same as you describe and at times very much hates his autistic brother. I try very hard to ensure all of my boys have quality time one on one but it’s so flipping hard sometimes.

Hi @op. You have my sympathies, I have one ASD/PDA ds and one NT. I think this could come under "all behaviour is communication". If you had your special time with him on the same day this happened, maybe it opened the floodgates a bit emotionally. He felt safe with your attention and that's often when the emotions bubble up. Maybe this was a way to communicate to you just how unhappy he is. Which is so so so hard for you as you've got your hands full with your ASD lad. I'd say when he reacts like this then treat it as a cry for help and try to get him talking. Get him to come up with solutions as to how to make things better with his weight/eating and his relationship with his brother. It's REALLY hard OP and I personally think having a SEN child is one of the most difficult things going. Good luck and be gentle with your boy. Xxxxxx

Hi @op. You have my sympathies, I have one ASD/PDA ds and one NT. I think this could come under "all behaviour is communication". If you had your special time with him on the same day this happened, maybe it opened the floodgates a bit emotionally. He felt safe with your attention and that's often when the emotions bubble up. Maybe this was a way to communicate to you just how unhappy he is. Which is so so so hard for you as you've got your hands full with your ASD lad. I'd say when he reacts like this then treat it as a cry for help and try to get him talking. Get him to come up with solutions as to how to make things better with his weight/eating and his relationship with his brother. It's REALLY hard OP and I personally think having a SEN child is one of the most difficult things going. Good luck and be gentle with your boy. Xxxxxx