So many times I see this statement and think NO !

[Anordinarymum]

' I don't think I will find anyone decent at my age'... or similar.

Relationships can go wrong, we all know that. Someone does or says something and then the 'rock' you relied upon and loved so much is no longer, and it's a shock to find out the person you relied upon is a twat.

Then when you look into it, you probably always knew that anyway but since you were rubbing along nicely; 'oh he was such an amazing husband and father'.. how many of us have said this and then gone on to tell us all the bloody horrible elements of the relationship -and then finish off by saying we know we will never meet anyone nice ?

My own husband was a walking 'red flag' largely ignored by me for lots of reasons until all the flags beat me to a pulp. I thought I was finished as a woman. I felt ugly and fat and not a prospect for any man since I had children who were all teenagers, plus a couple of health problems at that time. When he left I thought I would never want another man in my life since he had drained all the bloody life out of me.

I was wrong.

There are lots of lovely men out there who might just have been treated badly too by wives/girlfriends/mothers even...

I met my man later in life and while neither he or I are perfect, we kind of fit in our imperfectness and we have both learned from one another as we have gone along.

You can meet wonderful people when you are older. They do exist and they all probably think the same thing.

When you are let down like this it does not mean you are now on life's scrap heap, and you do not have to stay with the person who is causing your heart to break for the sake of security or impending loneliness. I truly believe this.

I also believe no man is better than the man who does not value 'you'

I think it's much easier later in life, when children are no longer as dependent on their single parents and the parents are no longer dependent on each other.

It makes people far more choosy about prospective partners.

I don’t think it’s unrealistic to accept it’s going to be harder as you get older. When I was in my teens/20’s (and to a lesser extent in my 30’s) I had plenty of men interested in me. From about 45 onwards? I never get a second glance. The pool of available (decent) men is much smaller. I would then need to find one who likes me and accepts me for who I am. Yes some people get lucky but many don’t. I absolutely agree that no man is better than a crap one! That’s why I’m staying single now. I’m glad you met someone who makes you happy but it isn’t guaranteed.

@Meruem

I don’t think it’s unrealistic to accept it’s going to be harder as you get older. When I was in my teens/20’s (and to a lesser extent in my 30’s) I had plenty of men interested in me. From about 45 onwards? I never get a second glance. The pool of available (decent) men is much smaller. I would then need to find one who likes me and accepts me for who I am. Yes some people get lucky but many don’t. I absolutely agree that no man is better than a crap one! That’s why I’m staying single now. I’m glad you met someone who makes you happy but it isn’t guaranteed.

Agree it's not guaranteed, but we have both been left down in different ways by people who were selfish, and we both want the same thing which is to be happy. I think happiness is underrated

It's to do with the narrative of either being single or a relationship, as if either was responsible for happiness. When younger theres a screaming undercurrent of finding the one, which is basically, for most women, having children. Even if they deny want one.

When older with life experience this hysteria is gone. I've always thought in life women have the upper hand in choosing relationships as its women you do the work in relationships. Its women who push the drive for them. Men go into relationships differently.

I have yet to meet a man who pushed for and decided on having children against a woman's indifference. Women are the driving force for making babies. Men go along with it.

When older women look at all these dynamics, and most can't be arsed.

I think you have somewhat oversimplified the reasons people stay in imperfect relationships.

It is great you have found your man, but, let's face it, not everyone does, and i think society should normalise people not being in relationships, they aren't the be all and end all.

I was on my own, through my own choice, for years, and the head tilting and "don't worry, you'll find a man" was ridiculous, I was absolutley fine, but people kept trying to set me up with any old random because they happened to be within a decade of my age and single.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I think you have somewhat oversimplified the reasons people stay in imperfect relationships.

It is great you have found your man, but, let's face it, not everyone does, and i think society should normalise people not being in relationships, they aren't the be all and end all.

I was on my own, through my own choice, for years, and the head tilting and "don't worry, you'll find a man" was ridiculous, I was absolutley fine, but people kept trying to set me up with any old random because they happened to be within a decade of my age and single.

I only talked about my own experience, but I wan't saying it will happen like that for anyone, I just meant nobody should rule themself out as a failure in life simply because they hung on to the remnants of a relationship that was not worth a fig.

We’re all different. For some happiness is found within a relationship, for others there’s more happiness in being single. The thing is because single = alone and alone is seen as a bad thing, being single is also seen negatively. I find other people an effort, in general. They tire me. I like pottering around my house, doing my own thing. I’ve taken holidays alone and really enjoyed it. I bought into the whole thing of “needing” a relationship for far too long. I feel happier and more free now.

Ok op
Where are all these lovely normal men of my age?

I’ve not found any All the men my age (late 40’s) are either weird , overtly sexual , mummy’s boys or Spoken for

@Heatherjayne1972

Ok op Where are all these lovely normal men of my age? I’ve not found any All the men my age (late 40’s) are either weird , overtly sexual , mummy’s boys or Spoken for

Heatherjayne1972 I think you miss my point.

When a relationship you have valued ends and you are left wondering what the hell happened when all you did was be a loyal and loving partner and are suddenly left out in the cold, you are not worthless or on the scrap heap just because somebody else trashed you, and there are other people like you who also wonder why.

And a lot of them are probably just getting by, being a part time parent and working full time and thinking they will never meet anyone else either.

There must be a generation of damaged people who never look for love because look what happened when they trusted and loved someone.

I never said it was easy, I just said it's not impossible. I wish I had a magic formula for you x

There must be a generation of damaged people who never look for love because look what happened when they trusted and loved someone.

There have always been generations of people like that since time began. Also bereaved people who think they'll never love again.

Some manage to find great relationships, some end up in more abusive relationships, some find true happiness being alone.

But ultimately you're right OP. No-one can see into the future and there could be many happy years ahead for people who just can't see it right now.

Nobody should ever fear leaving an unsatisfactory relationship because 'they may not find anyone else'. Although, the fear of being alone may be responsible for some women being in bad relationships, and I think the very best thing we can all learn is how to live alone and be happy.