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Original poster

Relatives that ignore rules about you know what - how to handle?

29 replies

Sittin · 16/10/2020 06:40

PILs want us and SIL to go for lunch on Sunday. There would be 7 of us so I’ve said that I’ll do something else - they insist that this is ridiculous and I should just come. SIL is in London and says she’s going to use her ‘common sense’ and come anyway as ‘she’s allowed on a bus and to go in a stranger’s house’ so what’s the difference. I have no idea what the stranger’s house comment means. PIL are over 80, MIL has cancer. I’m a teacher, DCs at big schools, school bus etc.
I don’t know how to handle this. I’m really 😡 that they think I’m the unreasonable one.

OP posts:
zigaziga · 16/10/2020 06:42

Then just don’t go?

If PIL are vulnerable but of sound mind and are making the decision that they’re going to prioritise seeing loved ones over their own health then that’s their decision. A lot of older members of my and DH’s family have decided the same. They’d rather enjoy a shorter time together than live in isolation.

whiteroseredrose · 16/10/2020 06:50

I'd go. I don't think Covid can count. Nor would it say 'oh no, only 6 so I can't infect here I'll go somewhere where there are 7 people'.

I think the rule of 6 is there to prevent large gatherings and we should use common sense.

You as a family mix sound like you are more of a risk than adding one person.

Woolysock · 16/10/2020 06:53

You as a family mix sound like you are more of a risk than adding one person.

I agree with this ^

Original poster
Sittin · 16/10/2020 06:54

I’m not going - I’m not going to break the law. My q is how to respond when they can’t understand the rules and act like I’m being deliberately awkward. I agree it’s their choice to see people if the people are happy to see them- but their choice impacts others. DH is over 50 - I don’t want to spend time inside with other people, especially withSIL.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 16/10/2020 06:55

Just say no. "We wont join you this time."

Keep it short n sweet. No debating rights and wrongs, just "No thanks".

notanotheronepleasee · 16/10/2020 06:56

Just say you can't afford the fine

Ragwort · 16/10/2020 07:01

Just don't go, don't have to make a drama over it. Are you going to forbid your DH from going as well? Surely he can make his own decision.

But I don't really see your logic if you are working as a teacher and presumably mixing with lots of different people all the time? Confused.
(I can understand that you don't want to break the guidelines, but would assume you are more at risk from Covid every day than from visiting family).

Original poster
Sittin · 16/10/2020 07:06

They’d just say they’d pay the fine - and point out that it’s vanishingly unlikely that we’d get it n any kind of trouble.
SIL now says that it’ll be fine if she goes down from London tonight and stays for the weekend, so that she’ll already be there when the rules change. They think it’s ‘clever’ to try to get round the rules. It’s SIL going that is he main issue. They are aware that me and dcs are risky. Problem is they have a low level of scientific understanding and think it’s cool to be a rebel. They’ve been at home a lot so not aware of how much life has changed. As a biology teacher I’m the opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sittin · 16/10/2020 07:09

Rag - I don’t want to make a drama! When I realised SIL was going (making me) I said I was happy to be the person not to go as they’d obviously rather see DH and DCs. That was when they started saying that the rule of 6 didn’t apply because..., etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sittin · 16/10/2020 07:11

DH and dcs are going. DCs worried about passing virus to PILs though. Our area is v close to level 2 rates and they go on a bus with 4 other schools.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 16/10/2020 07:12

As a teacher, surely you have the confidence to just say 'thanks for the invitation, I am not prepared to break the rules' and just change the subject.

They can't bully you into going, why are you so worried about their opinion? It doesn't matter whether or not they have 'scientific' understanding of the situation or not. Just.say.no (politely).

JamminDoughnuts · 16/10/2020 07:15

you can go, larger households etc.,
the excuse you are using is not really washing.

would you go another time?

Original poster
Sittin · 16/10/2020 07:15

I have no problem with saying no - they have a problem hearing it though! I can’t really order SIL not to go though - what would you say to her?

OP posts:
TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 16/10/2020 07:15

Rule of 6 or not, i wouldn't be bringing schoolkids round to vulnerable people at the minute, simply on the grounds of common sense.

AuntieStella · 16/10/2020 07:16

They’d rather enjoy a shorter time together than live in isolation

I do wonder if this is really true. Because it comes across as the viewpoint of people who don't really believe it would happen to them

Original poster
Sittin · 16/10/2020 07:19

Quite Auntie, and they are imagining just suddenly being dead, not being ill in hospital forages. And it being both of them at the same time!

OP posts:
lightlypoached · 16/10/2020 07:22

I'd just tell them truthfully that it's too risky for your parents for you to go. After all you are effectively bringing the contact you and your dc have with hundreds of people right into their home.

I didn't join my siblings on a visit to my mum recently for exactly that reason. We have far too much exposure as a family and it's a numbers game in the end. There have been 6 cases at my sons school in his bubble in the last 3 weeks and I didn't want to chance taking that to my vulnerable mum.

DeathMetalMum · 16/10/2020 07:24

Just stick to your guns. I've had this a number of times this year with various family. I've just done what I'm comfortable with and stuck with it.

My job (community pharmacy) puts me in a similar position to you. I have a higher change of picking anything up (lots of public contact) and if I did get covid it would impact where I work a lot - there could be a temporary closure. So I have been more careful, including with family where there are higher risk members.

DeathMetalMum · 16/10/2020 07:27

Unfortunately you just have to leave SIL to do what she wants. I'd explain your reason for not attending and say you think she shouldn't be either. But you can't stop her from going.

zigaziga · 16/10/2020 07:52

@AuntieStella

They’d rather enjoy a shorter time together than live in isolation

I do wonder if this is really true. Because it comes across as the viewpoint of people who don't really believe it would happen to them

What so we should tell them that we don’t believe them and are going to make decisions for them instead?

One elderly relative I know has been seeing people most days since March - if he didn’t he’d need carers anyway but there was no effort to make sure he stuck to a rota to only mix with one household at a time etc and jumped at the chance of seeing my young DC over the summer. He’s in his 90s and talks constantly about how he’s amazed to still be alive and doubts he will be next year. You don’t believe him, then?

confusedofengland · 16/10/2020 08:28

If your SIL is in London, she will be Tier 2 by then anyway & not allowed to mix with other households indoors. I think you are right not to get involved- both on a moral level & a health one.

FallonsTeaRoom · 16/10/2020 09:07

If PIL are vulnerable but of sound mind and are making the decision that they’re going to prioritise seeing loved ones over their own health then that’s their decision. A lot of older members of my and DH’s family have decided the same. They’d rather enjoy a shorter time together than live in isolation

To be fair, having been in isolation since lockdown began in March due to health issues making us vulnerable, I'm beginning to think a possibly shorter life where you meet up with friends and family and live life to the full is preferable to existing in a self-imposed jail.

VictoriaBun · 16/10/2020 09:20

My Mil is the same, she is ignoring the virus. Does not watch the news ( it's too depressing )
She lives in Essex, and says she will still have people in her house , will pick up friends in her car etc . Tbh I've tried to speak with her about the new restrictions but she says if she has to pay a fine so be it, and doesn't care if she dies.
My opinion of her has changed throughout this , and call me harsh but I now just umm and ah at her telephone calls and half expect her to catch it and die.

SoloMummy · 16/10/2020 09:43

I'd quite simply send a link to iplayer, literally at this time now 940 on BBC2 they're answering this question.

The person takes their tier guidance with them. So yes she can visit. She can't go inside.

I would send the link. State that sil is increasing the risk to the parents. The parents need to make the choice about this though, but let know this could have huge implications if the cancer patient catches covid.

BogRollBOGOF · 16/10/2020 10:00

@FallonsTeaRoom

If PIL are vulnerable but of sound mind and are making the decision that they’re going to prioritise seeing loved ones over their own health then that’s their decision. A lot of older members of my and DH’s family have decided the same. They’d rather enjoy a shorter time together than live in isolation

To be fair, having been in isolation since lockdown began in March due to health issues making us vulnerable, I'm beginning to think a possibly shorter life where you meet up with friends and family and live life to the full is preferable to existing in a self-imposed jail.

DM (82) is of this vein too. She always has been about quality of life not quantity. Last we did some leisure shopping, for her for the first time in 2020 as she felt rotten in January before ending up in hospital by February where she picked up a suspiciously stubborn chest infection. She finally made it home in time for lockdown. Feeling rubbish, she was OK with the quiet life over a couple of months, but she's ready to live again, not just exist. I don't blame her and I'll let her set the boundaries as she has more at stake than me.

It's 28 years since that nice policeman came to the front door to announce that my dad died in the street of a heart attack in his early 50s.

At 11, I learned that life is inpredictable with no guarentees, so live it while you can.