How to send condolences when there’s been a suicide?

[Pinotpleasure]

We’ve received the most awful news today, that my husband’s niece has taken her own life. She had a spouse and a late teen/young adult child.

My in-laws are on their way on a 2 hour journey to comfort their son-in-law and grandson. Tbh We are not close to any of them (we lived overseas for many years and returned to the UK last year) hence we never really knew the deceased and only met her maybe 2 or 3 times over the past 30 years. I’ve never met her son and met her spouse only briefly about 10 years ago.

We would like to send our condolences, obviously not by text/e-mail etc. and I will get a card for my husband’s brother and wife and also for the spouse of the deceased and her son.

My husband always leaves me to write our birthday and Christmas cards, but on this occasion I think he should do it. We can’t think of how to pen to paper when the loss is so horrific.

May I ask if anyone has any suggestions as to how to best put pen to paper. I can’t imagine what pain they are all in, but what on Earth do we say?

Standard stuff no? Sorry for your loss, thinking of you all at this difficult time etc

I always say "Thinking of you with love" because it says it all doesn't it, there is no need for lengthy platitudes, which are not necessary especially in these awful circumstances.

We are so sorry. Thinking of you all.

I have no idea. Can I suggest you wait a small amount of time just so the family can start to digest it before the cards/flowers start arriving.

You don't need to agonise over this I don't think. There's no perfect thing to say. The important thing is to acknowledge their loss and pain, and a card with any of the messages suggested will do that. If you do have a nice memory of her you can share, than do, but it sounds like you may not have if you haven't seen much of them.

A close relative of my husband's took her own life. Obviously it's awful, and there's no sugarcoating that, but I think her parents particularly did draw some scant comfort from the cards and messages they got.

I'm sorry to hear this OP. One of my family members took his own life this time last year. Any of the standard stuff is fine. It looks trite until it's you in that situation and then it means a lot.

I'd say the only thing you can do wrong is ask for the details of exactly what happened, how she did it, who found her, did anyone see it coming etc. That's probably unthinkable to most people but someone turned up at my relative's funeral to do exactly that and it was really upsetting.

I got a card when we had a death (not a suicide) in the family and it simply said

"we know that we can't make things better for you but we hope that knowing we wish we could is of some comfort"

I always use that now as I think it says it perfectly.

Just in the same way as any other death op

I would just send a card that says sending love and strength.

My friend's son ended his life aged 17 and I had NO idea what to say. He was her only child and she was a single parent. I just bought a pot plant and a bottle of wine and went round to her house the same day, and gave her a hug.

Sometimes you can't say anything. The usual platitudes don't apply when the person has chosen to leave this world.

A 'thinking of you' card would suffice in this instance.

All my friend could say was "You came. Thank you."

Thank you all. There are some very wise words in the above posts.

No we have no idea of the circumstances and wouldn’t dream of asking. We just received an e-mail earlier today from another sibling with the very basic fact that she had taken her life and her parents were on their way to comfort her spouse and son. It’s so very, very sad.

I lost my brother to suicide. I think it's ok to say that you know there are no words but you want them to know that you are sorry for their loss and you're thinking about them.

You can't make it better and don't try to make it better, just be there. You can even say that.

Just don’t say ‘ you must be devastated’ in a condolence card when someone has experienced a bereavement. I experienced this a few years back by a very well meaning friend but it really upset me.

From experience of stupid things I’ve heard, don’t refer to the circumstances and don’t tell them that you understand because you don’t and hopefully you never will. I does feel different to any other bereavement situation.

I also think it would be nice to refer to a good memory that you might have