14 year old trauma - WARNING - might be triggering

[CleverCatty]

Not sure where to put this so can be moved.

My brother's 14 year old goddaughter has been living with her DM who has had addiction issues in the past, has been left to care for baby half sibling whilst DM goes out with men etc, and been neglected. Has been self harming and attempted suicide. Now living back with her DF in London.

She needs therapy but they don't have much money - what to suggest?

Also - it was her birthday over summer but DB sent a card and gift card to her then but wants to do something extra for this (he promised it) but no to make it seem like it's for what has just happened.

I'm thinking maybe something she could do rather than just clothes etc?

Will take her ages to access counselling through GP I am guessing.

Hello OP. Firstly it's great that she's now living with her dad, assuming he's a good dad. And lovely that your brother is her godfather and really cares about her.

Can your db get together with her dad and show that he's interested and concerned and wants to be helpful? I'm wondering what the girl's interests are and how they could be nurtured in terms of a gift. I mean, if she's artistic he could buy her some lovely art materials and take her to a gallery for instance.
Re counselling there are agencies and services for young people. I can have a bit of a look and see what's in London (I don't live in London - I'm a retired psychotherapist so I do know the field). Unfortunately I'm sure all services are overwhelmed at present but that doesn't mean some kind of free or low cost support can't be accessed somehow.

giletrouge - thanks re this - both me, my DM (who lives nearby) and my DB who's living out of London in countryside but visiting at weekend are all in contact with the DF.

The DF is a really good dad and actually had custody of all girls from when this DD was 13 months old - it's only in past 3-4 years the girls have had contact and lived temporarily (apart from the eldest) with their DM.

She is artistic - materials are a good idea. I think she's been with us and her DF to Horniman Museum so this might be nice - but maybe to more 'adult' places - not sure what would be suitable especially now.

Serpentine is nice though and lots of other art galleries etc. I just think she needs TLC poor love, funnily enough her older DSis lived with her mum and this DSis but left last year - I think that child is more resilient though and not affected as much.

thanks so much re the counselling etc! I know co-counselling can be good.

I'm slightly shocked that her DF let her go to live with her DM as he knew what she was like and then he sort of punished his DD by not letting her back to stay etc - and now he feels really guilty. The DM strangely enough is shocked, upset etc at what her DD has been going through but is now handing this problem back to the DF/dad. As school saw the self harm cuts which were high up on her legs...

I could kill her DM - but that won't solve things.... I know the DM a bit.

Great - if she's artistic feeding this will build her up. Near the Horniman is Dulwich Picture Gallery - they've got an interesting looking photography exhibition coming up.

You know the Tates (both Modern and Britain) are free except for the special exhibitions? Loads to see and talk about. Art is so important for mental health if she already connects with it.

Re counselling - if they live in South London they might try here - it's a BACP member and therefore trustworthy. I don't know how it stands with Covid but they'll have procedures in place.

www.slcservices.org/

There are a few places in London that offer low-cost (like £5 a session) therapy as part of training. I can personally recommend www.metanoia.ac.uk/

I don't know if they'd take a minor as a client, but worth giving them a ring?

MIND have a free helpline and they're really good at knowing what support is out there and how to access it.
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

Thanks - just ordered her a nail art book/kit - just from me - don't mind if it's seen as a treat or not.

I think Dulwich picture gallery is closed.

I know the Tates are free but just thinking how they can get there and also Covid 19 how safe it is! Thanks anyway. I think she's quite creative.

I think she likes arty stuff but can't recall offhand - you know what it's like with pre teens/teens - their likes and dislikes change from one day to the next!

Will really encourage her to do art and my DBro, his family and me and my family are all arty so that is good.

Was also thinking of stuff to do at home - maybe baking stuff? when she can't go out? I used to love baking and decorating cakes in style of Bake Off (way before it started!) when I was her age.

Really nice water color or inktastick crayons, (sharpener too) and adult level coloring books, with links to good sites or tips etc. The reason they've been such a craze is because they really do help with instinctive creative 'mindfulness' and can be done alone or with others and are surprisingly therapeutic.
(If virtually no money, the best watercolor crayons you can afford and /or supplemented with poundland color changing pens and printed sheets from the internet)
I'm currently unwell and unable to explain very concisely but am an artist who was working in the community before lockdown and was creating bigger versions of them with groups of young distressed people. They are tools.
Also consider indoor or outdoor herb growing etc . Caring and nurturing something else when unable to care and self nurture is helpful.
None of these things are about fixing, they are about widening out and harm reduction, but a great deal can be achieved cheaply if used well (many of us have been forced to find ways through austerity) and they can also be about connecting, creativity and many useful and even enjoyable self distraction techniques even when severely distressed and traumatized. (I'm so sorry not to be able to express all this better tonight and hope it's not too garbled, but please look into it)

Yoloyohol

thanks for these tips and a good idea. I was thinking of colouring drawing in books too.

Good idea re outdoor herb growing - funnily enough her DF is half Burmese and really enjoys cooking (curries a lot) but with lots of different herbs.

This girl has two older DSis - one is 16 and the other is 18 - 16 year old I think is taking GCSEs but is very bubbly, outgoing etc and seems fairly unharmed by staying with her DM, the 18 year old is at college and very good at languages and I think she might be studying (or hobby) hairdressing - as she colours, curls hair etc. I think her DSis's will be a good source of comfort and recovery for her. She also has a stepmum who is much younger than the DF - I think she's 30, and a half brother who's I think 6 or 7. The Stepmum there were problems with because the 14 year old was harming him - but I think the stepmum though great at taking on 3 girls just doesn't have the emotional maturity just yet on how to deal with stepdaughters when they have problems. So that will be another stepping stone.