Paying family to mind your DC

[RedVelvetDreams]

Hi,

Im a student nurse, DH works full time and we have a DS (1).

Prior to studying at uni, my mum/sister (they live together) offered to mind DS while I studied. DH family also help out.

Things were going well, DH works shift work so sometimes is free most of the week but other times is working through the week.

DH mum has baby once a week, DH sister has him another day and my mum/sister have one day a week.

All seemed fine, I never asked for help all of them offered and I realised I'm in a very lucky position. However, mum/sister stopped having DS and saying they could be busy, I looked into nursery's and my mum said "if you pay (sister) nursery fees she will mind him"

Sister then went onto say that she can't work because she minds my child? (She hasn't worked for almost a year, she says it stressed her out. Currently lives rent free, can't qualify for UC because she lives with family)

Now, I'm hurt. I'm a student, I rely on DH. I qualified for a bursary but that will not stretch. I applied for uni with their blessing because they said they could help.

To clarify, my mum is disabled and can't look after DS alone.

I agreed to pay, DH hit the roof because his family would never do that. I appreciate that, so I've booked a trial day at a local nursery. This will financially effect us, thankfully it's only for a maximum of two days a week.

It's caused so much conflict and tension, I already have extreme guilt about not being with him all the time and now this rift has really started to cause problems. DH is furious, his family help each other out all the time and don't expect anything in return.

I've never been in this situation so I agreed to pay, as without their help I wouldn't be able to do what I do

Would you pay family nursery fees to mind your child?

I wouldn't. I think if you're going to pay, you may as well pay a nursery with the benefit of trained staff and social interaction, rather than you paying people who can't really be arsed.

I can see a scenario where I might pay my family for childcare but this isn’t it. Absolutely not. Especially because they offered initially.

Don’t upset your DH family by paying your sister. The nicest people in the world would be put out by it.

Also - once you give in to your sister on this, who knows when she might suddenly change her mind and want more money or whatever else.

Well nursery fees can be pretty pricey, but can you also apply for childcare vouchers to reduce the cost? I'd probably offer a contribution towards snacks/food/potential outing costs if family offered to provide childcare. Would I pay standard childcare rates? No, I would not. Based purely on the fact they're not offering you qualified childcare/insurance. So why pay for a premium service that you're not receiving? And it is a personal choice for them to offer! You've sourced another childcare arrangement based on her not wanting to do it. Which is fair enough, she shouldn't be expected to provide childcare, but she also offered it.

@Catsup I'll look into childcare vouchers, I always supply food for DS and keep money in his bag incase they go anywhere, but they've never taken him anywhere.

Thanks for the replies, it's caused such a rift already. My dad found out and is really upset too. He said his parents asked for money to mind us as children and my mum was furious and didn't speak to them for years. So really strange that she'd ask.

I'm already on the bones of my arse, I'm surviving obviously but this is added pressure and I feel like it's unfair.

Hopefully DS enjoys his trial day at nursery and I can enroll him ASAP

Stick with nursery. Too complicated.

I wouldn't pay them nursery fees no. Is she qualified in looking after children? Probably not.
Maybe pay them but not wag nursery fee.

Actually I think 'childcare vouchers' might be out of date now? But the government seems to run 'tax free childcare' instead? Which you'd appear eligible for as partner works. I'm sure someone more knowledgeable could better inform 😁. But yes, do look into it vs being held to financial ransom by family.

No way*

A token payment, maybe. But expecting full nursery fees? She's being a CF. It's like she's thought, "ooh, I know how much nurseries charge, she can just give me the money instead".

It's like your first year law student mate giving you a bit of legal advice they read in a book and charging you £200 an hour for it.

Yes you’ll get 20% of your childcare paid for under tax free childcare. I can’t see why you wouldn’t qualify.

www.gov.uk/get-tax-free-childcare?step-by-step-nav=f237ec8e-e82c-4ffa-8fba-2a88a739783b

No way I would pay if you are paying go to nursery where the child will have a much better developed around peers.

Your sister can get universal credit, the personal allowance but not the rent element. It will likely cost you more to pay your sister as you should be able to get some help with nursery costs. Also double check with uni if they provide nursery funding as some do.

I would only pay a family member childcare fees if they were going to do the work of a proper childminder - i.e a wide range of activities/trips out/groups (covid depending).

My SIL minded my dd 3 days a week for a couple of years. She volunteered. I gave her some cash but not what a nursery would have charged, but I gave her more than she asked for and her and her dc got special Christmas presents.

Go with the nursery instead. Professional childcare costs more because of qualified staff, the range of activities they provide, their overheads etc. Plus you know the service will always be reliable and available (covid etc excepted of course).
Family will behave as if they're doing you a favour regardless of whether you pay them. Because the arrangement is informal they could cancel at short notice and you'd have no come back.
A friend of mine used to do this and it caused no end of stress when the family member would just decide to go for lunch with a friend, cancelling their arrangement and leaving her high and dry, scrabbling around for last minute childcare or occasionally missing work.

If you do decide to go with family then don't pay nursery rate, your sister is basically babysitting and is not a childcare professional. Make sure they know arrangements can't be changed at short notice and only pay for what she does

Arranged for a trial for DS in a local nursery, I can walk to and from (currently get 2 buses to reach sisters)

I'll figure the financial side out, I'm going to look into what help I can get (if any)

It's caused such a rift, actually really upset about the whole thing

Pay her the same as a professional nursery setting? What childcare qualifications does your sister have? I am betting none.

I think your family were being very cheeky to ask at this late stage in the game.

I hope your Dad reminds your Mum about his parents asking.

Dh and I have lived through an incredible fall out with Dh's parents, it was mended, it healed and we went on to have an incredible relationship with them and still do with FIL. Sadly my MIL died a few years ago. Families can fall out and it can be mended. They asked for money, you said no and found alternative childcare.

I don't believe you can pay her legally anyway and you can say you are trying to stop you both getting into group as she would have to register and go through a barrage of checks to charge. It would only be if she was at your house she could be paid without these. (Not that I would say that bit)