Feeling really rubbish about friendship

[Jasmine787]

I’ve been really low recently about my so-called friendships. I’m pretty outgoing and sociable, and I’ve always made friends easily although I’ve never been part of a tight-knit group. (I sometimes think that’s part of the problem..I’m not in anyone’s top ‘tier’, as it were). However, I feel that more and more it’s me making the effort to keep in touch with people. My phone is full of lovely women from all stages of my life who I have great memories of and truly cherish. When I get in touch, I’m often told ‘you’re so great at keeping in touch’ or ‘I was so pleased to get your text’. A lot of the time it’s me making the effort though, and it’s making me feel rubbish. I feel that if I didn’t, a lot of these friendships would just slip away. I don’t even know if you can call it a friendship if it’s just one person making the effort?!

I think friendship plays too much of a central role in my identity and mental framework, and how I feel about myself. I notice this in my mum too. She loves chatting, catching up with people, she’s very extrovert and sociable but she doesn’t have much else that interests her. She’ll often wonder what happened to so-and-so she met years ago, and she’s genuinely interested and quite nostalgic. I’m pretty similar.

I’m starting to feel quite lonely, which is ironic as I’m probably someone who no-one would ever imagine struggling.

I feel like I need some interests that don’t involve people, but it’s hard if you’re someone who is naturally quite outgoing. Part of me also thinks I need to make some new friends, but people don’t always want or need new friends and its not very easy at the moment anyway.

[LadyWithLapdog]

Sorry to hear you’re feeling low about this. I know what you mean about not feeling as if you’re top choice for anyone. You can try Meet-Up if you want to expand your circle of friends based on common interests. Now most will be online.

[Readysetcake]

I’m similar op though not natural out going. I have stopped making all the effort and just as I suspected friendships have slipped away. Which as you say yourself perhaps means they were not deep and meaningful friendships in the first place. I think the sad thing is they were to me.

In terms of interest s there are loads that you can do by yourself, drawing, pottery, gardening, running (fitness), walking, knitting, clothes making, baking. Many of these could be sociable when(if) covid ever goes away.

[Anthilda]

Well become more like them. I did exactly that, I stopped being the one to make the effort all the time.
I am the type of person as you describe your mum.

I joined a gym, I dont limit friendship choices to female only, I talk to people.

What more can you do? Just have to accept it and move on. New friendships develop eventually.

[Libertyfree]

Hi.
Yes I’m the same and feel like I make all the effort. Going to cut down trying to keep in touch with so many people and see who remains.
As I’ve got older I can enjoy my own company more.
Just make an effort for those you really like and leave the others.

[PapsofJura]

Maybe you have fallen into the category of the organiser for your friendship group? I felt the same way about mine some years ago but something happened in my life and they all came running to support me. Don’t write them off yet.

[Letsgetgoing123]

Yes I can relate to what you are saying OP.

I have a wide selection of “friends “ but no “best friend “. I am sociable but not outgoing. Actually naturally quite shy.

On occasions in the past when I have tried to organise or suggest a night or day out, frequently people have declined or pulled out, which hurt my feelings, so I tend not to bother now as I have been put off.

I do still get invited out as part of a group (or did pre covid and in the summer), but am not anyone’s first choice, and do tend to find others meet up in twos/ threes etc without me. It’s hard not to feel hurt.

But then, I’m not a great contacter unless I have something specific to say, so perhaps they think I’m not bothered?

[Jasmine787]

Thank you all so much. So true about accepting and moving on. I am always so annoyingly emotional and nostalgic!!

[LadyWithLapdog]

I can totally relate to emotional and nostalgic.