Big problem with counselling?

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

I've seen it mentioned many a time on posts here on MN, to never have couples counselling with an abusive or narcissistic partner.

I'm in no doubt that it's true, not least because so many people seem to share the exact same opinion. I'm not planning on having couples therapy after seeing the advice on this site.

But, why is having couples therapy with an abusive partner dangerous?

Essentially it furthers any emotional abuse. The emotional abuser will manipulate the therapist and instead of the therapist being a neutral party they will often end up furthering the alienation the abused person feels.

This happens because the therapist receives the couple and takes them at face value. They can be aware that one has more power etc but unless they actually see the abuser being abusive, then they can't assume he/she is. And abusers are often very good at making it seem that they're reasonable.

So it's psychologically dangerous for someone being emotionally abused.

There's also the aspect that the therapy room is a safe space and you should feel able to speak freely. If you're actively afraid of what your partner will do to you afterwards - physically or otherwise - because of what you say there, you can't have joint therapy and it may be dangerous to do so.

Someone in an abusive relationship can and probably should have individual therapy though.

Thanks very much for your insight @daretodenim . Honestly though I'm surprised that therapists could be manipulated like that! If that's the norm, I'd think that therapists would/should be aware of the signs and read between the lines. That's certainly what I expected, which is why I became curious enough to ask.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling The thing is that they may see it, but unless it's by someone who isn't very good at hiding it, they won't se it immediately. They might have suspicions and in that case could suggest meeting the partners individually and suss it out.

BUT a) not all therapists are the same and b) they have to start off by taking each person's word for what's going on as their view of the situation. Imagine going to a therapist who treated you like you were lying. It wouldn't work. If one partner feels ganged up on, or is being told they're abusive when they're not, then that also wouldn't work.

Similarly, a partner can manipulate it to appear like they're being abused, when they're the abuser.

In all therapies the therapist only has the client's version of events to work with and that's actually all that's necessary usually. In couples therapy that becomes a whole lot more complicated.

There are some versions of relationship therapy where there are two therapists in the room. One is doing the therapy and the other is essentially watching the three interact, but also observing the partner who isn't speaking, while the other is. Things that the first therapist will miss because they are only one person. It's not that common (and is expensive!!), but that seems to me a better way to do it.

Basically if someone is able to come across reasonable and lively to the outside world, but abuse their partner, then they're going to do a very convincing job of continuing that already-perfected facade in front of someone they believe is judging them. The abused party stands little chance of coming out unharmed.

At the end of the day, therapists are people, not miracle workers or mind readers. If they spot abuse they'll act on that, but if someone is lying consistently and well, there's no immediate reason for them to know that..and in the time it takes to figure it out, the victim has been further abused and bullied.

@anotherhumanfemale I completely agree with the part about therapists being human too. I think, given the nature of their profession, that a lot of people assume the therapists themselves have everything sorted in their own lives, when in fact they could have debt issues or relationship problems, etc. Thank you for your insight.

Honestly though I'm surprised that therapists could be manipulated like that!

Therapy is a relational process, which is to say that good therapy offers a safe, healing relationship which then hopefully provides a model for the clients relationships with self and others. Very often the dynamics at play in the persons life play out in therapy, where the therapist can help the person to see what’s going on and how they might change.

In couples therapy if the dynamic is abusive, that too plays out in therapy and can mean the therapist being drawn into or contributing to a harmful dynamic, or someone being at risk due to something said in therapy. Given the lack of safety, it’s not recommended for abusive relationships.