Teaching 2yr old manners

[GemWar]

Hello all,

So my story isn’t unusual but looking for some advice! I have a two year (turned 2 in September) and it’s such a struggle to get her to say ‘Ta’ or ‘please.’ She can say both and use to say them fairly well... but recently she just says no and screams... I gather this is terrible twos. But don’t know how to encourage her further.

I make sure I always say please or Ta and when she does say Ta or please (rarely) I make a big fuss. It’s mainly around snacks.. I tired the whole not given in till she said Ta or please which literally results in fit of tears and her screaming no. I am worried I have created a negative association by refusing to give her stuff, as soon as she wants a snack now she is ready to say no and cry.

Any advice would be welcomed! X

I tired the whole not given in till she said Ta or please which literally results in fit of tears and her screaming no

Does this mean you give in and just give her the snacks?

Don’t force her, just make sure you say please and thank you and she’ll copy you eventually. If you give her a snack I’d say “thank you mummy” so she knows what to say and it will come with time.

Just model it graciously. I think you’re expecting too much.

I've never withheld, I've always just, every time, said, 'ta Mummy', if they repeat it, 'there's a good girl/boy, what good manners you have'. Also, if you have a tiny twosome who is tired or hungry, you have a little one who is being set up to fail, if you're going to pile in on manners.

I found making it a game, handing over blocks, etc, when they're alert, sated, and receptive, means they're more likely to take it on board.

I would just model it and repeat it back to her like you do with any other speech. So if she points and says "apple" you can say "can I have an apple please, mummy?" "Thank you".

I don't think you need to withhold things at this age but just make it something she hears all the time. My DS is three now and mostly does it consistently. He sometimes needs a mock quizzical look , or a "p p p" but he does it quite naturally now.

Not saying I am right OP, at all.
But, I was relentless and with all 3 it paid off.
I used to get comments about how well behaved and well mannered they were from a very early age.
I promise you though, I never let it go, once.
Some friends and family thought I was too strict, but it was so important to me. Rightly or wrongly I thought being wc means you need to show you are well mannered. It was how I was raised.
Don't say the magic words, then you don't get.
Obviously to begin with you teach, hand them it and say it yourself. Ta at least. Then tell them they have to say it get them to copy.
By the time they are 3 they don't slip up, and if they do you can remind them of the magic words.

My ds turned 2 in august and honestly I just model it and don't ever expect him to say it back until he's ready. He's never once said either word because he's not yet ready to and it honestly never occurred to me to be bothered. He's a wonderful, gentle lad in other ways and will get there with please and thank u when he's ready. Lower your expectations

I think you need to step back from the issue.

I know people will say how will they learn manners if you don't make them, but I never made my boys say please or thankyou - they just picked up that that's what you say (in fact both of them came out with "ta" as their first proper word, just from hearing H and I say it to each other). They both say good morning to me as well, because I've always said it to them. (They're 17 and 20)

At this age, she is learning about the world around her and how to behave in it. You show her how to behave in it.

(Also - You want her to eat the food you provide, don't you? Why on earth would you pretend you're not going to give it to her? Even at 2 she's worked out that it's an empty threat...)

We just modelled the right behaviour - also between ourselves but also as parents to our DCs. Once I started paying attention, I noticed that DH and I didn’t say please or thank you as much as we expected the DCs too..... so we fixed it.

I didn’t make it a battle, sometimes I’d remind them as they got older but they copied what we did.

You will have so many more battles ahead! Dial down the pressure.
As ‘@Joeyandpacey’ said, just model it graciously and she will learn that way. When she goes to school they will teach her too.
When she does say it say ‘what beautiful manners’. She’ll get the idea.

Thanks for all the advice. I wasn’t too fussed but than my parents decided to get involved and point it out heavily to me... think I over thought it!
I just want to add I don’t withhold food from my child! Just encouraged her to copy and didn’t give it to her immediately if that makes sense.
But I shall relax more, chill out, be a good role model and just be patient with it all.

@Joeyandpacey

Just model it graciously. I think you’re expecting too much.

This. I never considered requiring mine to say it, they had mannersby the time school came round.

This is madness - she’s a baby.

We just modelled it loads and kept reminding her.

Aged 2 she was feral.

She's three and a half now and generally pretty polite; more so if she thinks she's charming someone.

Just keep plugging away at it and don't overreact/worry if she doesn't seem to be taking it in. You've ages to work on it - she's tiny. (Though I do totally get the human instinct to feel frustrated by toddlers who don't realise how rude they sound! ).

Oh god ignore your parents. My mil was the same and hell bent on making them use a fork and knife at around two 🙄🙄

You just saying every time and she will copy you. Manners are a positive behaviour don’t turn it in to a fight. She won’t understand the connection yet.

I’ve just had a child review on my dd2 (7) from school and her teacher says she is extremely polite and well mannered. They get there in the end

And when they realise the power of please it finishes you off! One of the most manipulative words a kids can use the other is it love you mummy’

OMG yes @harrysblondie.

Evil, they are, pure evil. Packaged in cute.

absolutely gobsmacked no one has turned up being snooty about saying Ta

My ds2 says "choo choo" in place of thank you and "wee" in place of please. Makes me smile every time!

Ok.. first time mum looking for advice and reassurance that was all. Sorry it caused such a response from yourself

@Haworthia

This is madness - she’s a baby.

Ok first time mum just looking for advice and reassurance that was all. Sorry it caused such a response from yourself

@CostaCosta

My ds2 says "choo choo" in place of thank you and "wee" in place of please. Makes me smile every time!

Very cute!

@Harrysblondie

Oh god ignore your parents. My mil was the same and hell bent on making them use a fork and knife at around two 🙄🙄

You just saying every time and she will copy you. Manners are a positive behaviour don’t turn it in to a fight. She won’t understand the connection yet.

I’ve just had a child review on my dd2 (7) from school and her teacher says she is extremely polite and well mannered. They get there in the end

Thank you. It’s amazing how other people’s views particularly those close To you can suddenly make you anxious about something you never concerned yourself with in the first place!

thanks for posting this, facing a very similar problem!

@RoSEbuds6

You will have so many more battles ahead! Dial down the pressure. As ‘*@Joeyandpacey*’ said, just model it graciously and she will learn that way. When she goes to school they will teach her too. When she does say it say ‘what beautiful manners’. She’ll get the idea.

Thank you for your advice!