Violent child in reception

[sunflowerspeoniesanddaisies]

I'm new to being a school parent, so wanted to canvas opinions.

My child has just started school (reception). She has ASD, and is on an EHCP with full time 1-1 funded support. She's actually doing amazingly well (she's very 'high functioning' but can find groups very hard to deal with/noise/transitions etc). She has so far, coped brilliantly, we've only had to go up to the school once (at their request) and generally things are going better than we'd ever dared to hope for. She is loving the opportunity to play and learn and has actually made a couple of friends.

However, five times in six weeks she's come home and told me that one particular boy has hit her, shoved her off the scooter, thrown sand in her eyes, kicked her and hit her again. With her autism she tends to parrot exactly what's been said (handy!) so I normally get a repeat of incidents (that's not to say I don't think she can get things wrong). She tells me how he screams at the other children, it's not just her he hits and mimics exactly what the teachers have said to tell him off.

Now I'm sure the teachers must be aware, as they're doing the telling off plus as I said she has 1-1 support so she should be more supervised than most. Nothing has been mentioned to me by anyone at school. Should I mention it to the teacher? I understand they're all setting in and more than most I understand that children can have additional needs (he doesn't as far as I'm aware, but they're four years old there's every possibly he could, I don't know) but at the same time I don't want my child's confidence (or face!) bashed when she's doing so well to just be able to attend and join in with enthusiasm.

I wouldn't dream of speaking to his parents (I'm not that clueless!) but is it OTT to raise it with the teacher at this stage?

Not at all OTT in my opinion. Additional needs or not, all children need to be safe at school and it doesn't sound as though school are keeping the children safe, nor meeting this particular child's needs if he is so disturbed that he is kicking, hitting and throwing.

I would definitely speak to the staff at the school and ask them how they intend to keep your child safe.

It depends what you want to raise.

You can raise that you are concerned that your DD reports getting hit, shoved and kicked by the other child, and please what are they doing to keep her safe.

You shouldn't just moan about the other DC, and definitely don't talk to his parents about it.

I'm reception I'd have raised it at the first instance.

*in

Yes, definitely speak to the school. From experience, I am sure they are struggling with him at the moment and trying to put in place strategies to keep everyone safe, it is very difficult at the start of reception when you have a child like this, trying to sort logistics, trying to ensure that no one's back is turned for even a second as you try and figure out a strategy for sorting it. However, you definitely need to speak to them, especially as they haven't mentioned anything to you, and just try and find out a bit more (within reason) about what is going on. Has she come home with any visible injuries etc (not that that matters if she hasn't, but I guess they would be more likely to let you know if she has been visibly injured).

Try not to go in all guns blazing at this stage, as I said, God knows it's really difficult for staff when you have a child who just won't stop hurting other kids, but at the same time they have a duty of care to keep all the kids safe and you are entitled to know how that is being done for your daughter.

I’ve been in this situation. I would ask the reception teacher gently. I went in & was rather abrupt about it - it was a few years ago now and I am so ashamed of myself! Even now.

What I wish I knew was that EYFS children can be boisterous. But they can’t be bullies.

And you know that the little boy will be on their radar already if he’s already boisterous.

In our instance - the boisterous children are still boisterous but they care deeply for the entire class and feel awful when they’ve upset their friends. Now in Yr3 - the class have a special bond. Things have calmed down a lot. There are no bullies as they had intervention in Reception. Fingers crossed it remains this way.

Just give the teacher a nudge about it. I’m sure she’s aware and she’ll be happy to reassure you. She’ll appreciate your understanding and worries

Yeah I have every sympathy that it must be hard to navigate, especially at the moment with so many extra things for the teachers to do. I've no intention of being all guns blazing about it, they're small children and I get that there's going to be teething problems.

She's had the odd bump and bruise yes but those things could just as easily have been from crashing around in reception, they have a huge garden with lots of play equipment. She's not told me specifically that he hit her then showed me a bruise that correlates with that for example.

There is a high adult to child ratio on the class so really I guess I'm surprised that this keeps happening. I've no experience in the inner workings of a school though so I don't presume to know how it all works.

If your dd has full time 1 to 1 I'd be asking where is the TA when these incidents happen because if the 1 to 1 was being fulfilled there would be an adult there to intervene before your child got hurt.

If you mention it to the teacher just do so in reference to the affect it is having on your own child. So you could mention that DD is becoming anxious about it.

I also don’t understand how this is happening if your dd has a 1-to-1.

@hiredandsqueak

If your dd has full time 1 to 1 I'd be asking where is the TA when these incidents happen because if the 1 to 1 was being fulfilled there would be an adult there to intervene before your child got hurt.

You would be surprised how quickly these things happen, and how it only takes a second of someone's back being turned, or even them just not being 100% on the ball in that split second. Sometimes there is no escalation to it, it's impossible to 'intervene' beforehand. Plus, even when a child has a 1 to 1, sometimes it's good for the TA to stand back a little bit in order the let the child begin to gain a little independence, so this also happens sometimes as well.

However, unfortunately what can also sometimes happen is that a TA who is supposed to be funded for a particular child starts being pulled away for other things (of which there are many in an Autumn term reception class!), and so it might just be worth gentle framing some kind of question so that you can know that this is not what is happening. You could ask if your DD is being specifically targeted or if this is happening with others as well.

I am not saying the school are automatically doing their best here, they may not be and it may eventually need to be taken further. But, I work with children with special needs, and have worked in mainstream reception and it really is as quick as lightning sometimes! And autumn term is when things are still being worked out etc, so actually it is definitely worth letting them know that you know what is happening as this will make them more aware as well.

Sorry, my post is a bit incoherent there but hopefully you get the gist!

If your DD is being specifically targeted then an obvious solution is to not let the other boy near her, obviously this is more difficult if he is indiscriminate about who he is doing it to.

just because a child has a 1-1 it doesnt mean they are with them every hour, they do need a dinner / wee break, and as pp^^ said kids are bloody quick you can blink and they have shot across the room or chucked something
do go and speak to the teacher with your concerns, state your DD is becoming nervous/whatever

But they can’t be bullies.

I'm an ex reception teacher. I assure you they can. I have known several children over the years who have consistently targetted specific children that they just didn't like.

I don't think it's just her. She says he screams at all of the children and throws things at snack and lunchtime. Another mother who I'm friendly with also mentioned him to me the other day as her child had come home upset because he'd been walloped. I didn't say anything (except 'oh that's terrible poor thing') because I didn't want to get into two grown women speaking about another child in a negative way when really we don't know what is or isn't going on.

And yes, to the PP who've said about her 1-1, we've agreed that as so far she's coping really well that her TA won't be right on top of her at all times, they want to step back sometimes and let her form relationships with the other children as she's showing an interest in doing so. So yes she should have her TA there full time but they will let her have some distance to explore etc. I don't think it's healthy unless she really really needs of course, it to be completely connected to one adult constantly. I hope that's the right approach, time will tell!