"Ducks in a row" - what precisely? Any tips?

[IrisRainbow]

Hi wise MNers,

I'm probably going to start embarking on the separation/divorce process pretty soon.

In terms of "getting my ducks in a row", what are the things I should do / think about before I tell DH, and/or as the process starts?

(NB he knows things aren't good, but he doesn't yet know that I'm thinking about divorce.)

For context, we have DCs (age 5 and under - 5yo is at school). And we rent a property jointly - we don't own.

DH can be emotionally abusive so I think the advice is generally not to do marriage counselling - I just want us to leave as quickly and as unscathed as possible.

So far my list contains:
Get my own bank account
Get a lawyer
Find somewhere else to live
Get DC into a new school (if moving areas)
Take passports (or copies of them)
Take copy of marriage certificate and birth certificate
Take photo inventory of high-value items (e.g. furniture) that I can't take with me

What else? Practical hints&tips would be great - thanks so much!

Look into benefits and maybe even put in a universal credit claim

Take the actual documents, not just copies. Move your money out of any joint accounts. Take copies of pension statements, bank statements, any proof of his earnings, any paper proof of financial assets.

Your list looks pretty well thought out.

XH was a high earner so I started buying things that I knew I would need in the future on his credit card whilst I could, and stashing them - next season clothes for the DCs; new bedding and bits of furniture etc to replace that which I knew he would take.

Can you start squirelling away a bit of money to tide you over? If you want it to go unnoticed get cashback when you buy shopping on a card.

Start selling anything that you can to give you some money in case he gets difficult with maintenance / benefits take a while to come through.

Pay off any overdrafts / credit card debt etc so you have a good credit score.

Good luck

Pretty good starting list. Have you your own laptop? Otherwise can a friend give you access to one as benefits have to be filed online. You can file the day you separate rather than the day you move out (if not the same day). Have your landlords details so you can inform them you need to be removed from the lease. I would put all your paperwork, passports at a friends house if possible

Original documents of anything important. An emergency fund only you have access to. Passports, birth certificates etc for you and any children. Check if you're entitled to any benefits and begin a claim if you can. Open a bank account in your sole name (if you don't have one). Find somewhere to stay.

Hi ladies, sorry for such a slow reply - and thanks so much for all this brilliant advice. Great squirrelling ideas - you are very wily

Remember, you only really know anyone when money is involved so think carefully about what you want in the future. I missed out on a lot because I thought I could trust my ex to give me what I was entitled to (I was also only 25 so forgive me!) Your list is great btw but I’d think about removing your name ASAP from joint accounts once you split, even if you have to grit your teeth and pay the overdraft yourself. I had to do this (and forge his signature) because he was running up a huge OD and costing us, well me actually, loads just for the fun of it. Not sure if I can add any more that hasn’t already been said. Good luck though.

Do you have a friend who could stash things for you? Passports, bank details etc? If not consider a self storage place.

@EmbarrassedUser

Remember, you only really know anyone when money is involved so think carefully about what you want in the future. I missed out on a lot because I thought I could trust my ex to give me what I was entitled to (I was also only 25 so forgive me!) Your list is great btw but I’d think about removing your name ASAP from joint accounts once you split, even if you have to grit your teeth and pay the overdraft yourself. I had to do this (and forge his signature) because he was running up a huge OD and costing us, well me actually, loads just for the fun of it. Not sure if I can add any more that hasn’t already been said. Good luck though.

Crikey. So if I understand you correctly, it requires both signatures to close a joint account, and unless/until you do that, you're liable for any debts he incurs on the account...? Gosh, I'd thought about the actual money that's in there, but I'd not thought about the risk of him hitting overdraft out of spite. If he refuses to co-operate, is there any way out of it (apart from forging his signature)?

I have every suspicion that (once I tell him I'm leaving him) he might do anything he can to take revenge. What else (apart from joint bank account) should I be worried about / taking precautions on?

You can contact your bank, say there is a marital dispute, they can freeze the account. Stops the other person maxing the overdraft, which you will both be liable for.

Likewise for credit cards.

Try to have your own account and money going into that first, tho.

You seem to be on track.

Secure your roof.
Secure your bank /money
Be employed - preferable but easier said than done.
Have important documents, copies or originals.
Make a sole claim for tax / universal credit.

List and photograph all the expensive items in your home. Just in case he flogs them.

Keep a diary of his behaviour towards you and the children.

My friend didn't have sole money for a solicitor. She got cashback on every supermarket shop. No flags were raised.

Good luck. I love my freedom. 👍

@CaffeineInfusion

You can contact your bank, say there is a marital dispute, they can freeze the account. Stops the other person maxing the overdraft, which you will both be liable for.

Likewise for credit cards.

Try to have your own account and money going into that first, tho.

You seem to be on track.

Secure your roof.
Secure your bank /money
Be employed - preferable but easier said than done.
Have important documents, copies or originals.
Make a sole claim for tax / universal credit.

List and photograph all the expensive items in your home. Just in case he flogs them.

Keep a diary of his behaviour towards you and the children.

My friend didn't have sole money for a solicitor. She got cashback on every supermarket shop. No flags were raised.

Good luck. I love my freedom. 👍

Thanks Caffeine, that's helpful. Yes I'm looking forward to freedom too!

Access to money he can’t take

Is the main thing

And don’t forge signatures it’s fraud

@Pikachubaby

And don’t forge signatures it’s fraud

Ha yes don't worry, I'm planning to stay on the right side of the law

Sorry, I am just such a law abiding scaredy cat myself

Good luck

I think this is something to take note of!

I'm out! I know this is only the start of what'll probably be a long, difficult and unpleasant process - but at least I've taken the first massive step. Thank you all for your excellent advice x

Congratulations @IrisRainbow! Where did you go? How are you feeling?

@Grobagsforever

Congratulations *@IrisRainbow*! Where did you go? How are you feeling?

Thanks @Grobags (I initially read that as Grotbags!)

Staying with friends. Feeling less stressed and more peaceful than I've felt in a long time Braced for a turbulent time ahead, but at least I feel I can be happy now. And so can DC.