Met up with old friends and now I feel like a failure

[MyMushroomsInATimeSlip]

Just that really. Friends are all successful in and out of work, in happy long term relationships, live in big houses and all planning renovations (sauna anyone?!). In contrast I'm poor, single, feel mentally and physically done in and am trapped in a job that's making me ill.

Why are you trapped in your job?

I'm currently trying to find a new one but can't do weekends or evenings which is very limiting. Also am crap at selling myself so haven't done well in interviews so far

I know what you mean OP. When they are all discussing, eg, latest work accomplishments or house move, I am happy to hear their news but also cringing in advance in case they ask me. Then they don't ask me because they know I don't have any career or house news and never will. Not sure which is worse!

Yeah, don't believe it all - people always show their best face; probably go home to screaming rows and puking children and mouldy saunas! They probably went home thinking 'lucky mushrooms' got peaceful single life with no career stress' etc...

Take it all with a pinch of salt op

They are all actually doing really well and aren't boastful but they just don't see how I can't be on the same page as them all. I've had some well meant advice from them. One forwarded me a job advert for a job near me but it's 2 levels higher than the best I can do at the moment!

You have no idea what’s going on in those big houses. And saunas - ick!

I hope things turn around for you 💐

Can you upskill? Do further training?

So sorry you feel this way but you have got plans to change things. That's exciting. What makes you feel so trapped?

I do know how you feel OP, it’s sickening isn’t it? But as a pp said I should take some of it with a pinch of salt, although I know this is hard especially when you know that they really have been on exciting holidays, bought new cars etc, but they must obviously enjoy your company or they wouldn’t invite you to meet up.

When they are not boasting and are really nice but just doing well, it's almost worse. If they were being rude about it you can at least think what dicks they are. If they are nice, I guess I'm the dick.

No, I can't up skill. I'm barely hanging on physically, mentally, financially.

At least I don't have to compare holidays this year as no ones had one!

Thanks for all your positive messages.

My friends all had "advice". Why don't you move where there are more jobs (money, local friends, child's school, friends, clubs, other parent!) Why don't you retrain (with what time, money and energy?) Get a babysitter (who and pay with what????). My confidence is at an all time low

@RaisinGhost yes they are genuinely nice people!

Most people with big houses, expensive cars and doing expensive renovations are generally doing it all with big loans and hp payments. I once admired an acquaintance brand new Mercedes and she said yes it’s lovely but we’re in debt up to our eyeballs to pay for it

Work in finance and law so I'm fairly sure there's no big loans

Friends do I mean. Not me

I've put another post on here for interview advice as an alternative to moaning!

How old are you? Just my experience, but these things go in waves.... these people may all seem to have it together, but it might just be that you haven’t hit peak divorce age yet (not that that’s a way I’d encourage thinking).

When you’re at a low point, everyone else seems to have it together. It doesn’t mean you’ll always be at a low point. Do whatever you need to do to hold it together until you feel strong enough to make changes.

"Comparison is the thief of joy"
Nothing has actually changed in your life since before meeting your friends and after. It's what is going on in your mind that has changed is bringing you down. Stop beating yourself up. Be kind to yourself and look for the good in your life. It's not a competition. x

I completely agree with PPs that these things come in waves. Your time will come OP! I was you 6 years ago - divorcing, left a crap relationship, single mother living in a flat with DS. Both DS and I suffering from poor mental health. I'm highly educated, but worked in a fairly lowly paid role, whilst everyone around me had careers, husbands, lovely children, big houses.

6 years on I've met my partner, have a better job, just in the process of applying for an even better one, we are comfortably off and have a lovely 4 bed that we are renovating. I'm sure in a few years we will hit another bad patch too, as some of my previously successful friends are unfortunately facing now.

Everyone has crap times, it just seems like when yours comes along everyone else's good points are magnified.

Be kind to yourself, know that things will get better and take time to look after your mental health. It's so hard to see the opportunities when your mental health is suffering. Get that sorted and I am sure you will start to see other things opening up.

Your friends sound nice (like mine are), it's ok to let them know you just need a rant, no advice necessary. I'm sure they will understand. 💐

I met up with some long time friends last Friday. One has just bought an Audi TT and a big Volvo suv and also mentioned sending daughter (5) to private school £3k a term. Another has just received a tax bill for £142,000. They have £100k sat to pay it off already. I just cringe a bit, they probably earn 3-4 times more than me

I've felt like this in the past but have since seen that we all get bad times at different times; that people's lives are not what they appear on the surface; that there are secrets in lives which not even partners/spouses know of; that lives can change in a minute.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, no one knows the way others feel inside, whether despair or feeling resigned and frustrated. Do not compare yourself to anyone. We are all different with different definitions of 'happiness', success and with different ambitions, hopes and dreams.

Life is a series of ups and downs, waves of happy times, good luck, bad luck, and trials. Just concentrate on your next goal, no matter how small and appreciate what is good in life, even if it is a walk in the sun, seeing a friend, a good book etc.

I'm never impressed by 'stuff' or fast cars or possessions or high salaries. Never have been.
.

It's hard then you're working so hard to stay still.

Have you heard of the National Careers Service ? They provide careers advice and help to anyone (assuming you're in England).

nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/. Services are free and cover things such as interview skills. Alternatively are you a member of professional group - the ones I've belonged to the past have offered things such as CV writing & interview skills training.

Re the friend who sent the ad for a job 2 grades up from where you are - there's plenty of research and anecdotal reports of men being happy to apply for jobs a couple of grades up whereas women take the step by step approach.

Thanks everyone. Such kind words from strangers. You've made me tear up a bit. I'm early 40s so feel like I should have got things together by now.
With regards to fast cars etc - non of us are impressed by stuff - it's more the happy lifestyle and not worrying about money that I'm envious of