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Would you go back to uni?

14 replies

whatwouldyoudohere · 10/10/2020 20:31

I was (am?) a mature student on pause from university . I’m due to go back in January, moving back to university town and studying FT with clinical placements etc . The course I’m studying would be largely online based but with campus based practicals and placements off campus .

I’m 29, I do have mental health issues but am receiving a lot of support just now .

My parents have both said they do not wish for me to return to uni, it isn’t safe, it would be stupid to apparently and I’d be best getting a job at home and staying with DM .

DM has multiple severe metal health issues, I’m basically her carer and stuck with her 24/7 . DF lives abroad .

I’m also becoming carer to my mums mum - she’s very elderly and increasingly reliant on me . She has six children but has said she prefers me to help her . In her words, every problem she has, she will ask me to solve them all .

I’m at home at DM’s at the moment, I’m bored, I’m so bloody lonely and isolated and frustrated . DM lives in the model of nowhere, very few buses, no jobs to speak of and I’m a non driver so stuck at home largely.

I am worried about covid, I am dreadfully worried if I go back and there’s a second lockdown then wtf do I do . Mum has a decent mental health team on her case but I don’t know if they’ll be able to help her and I do a lot for mum as it is ... and my gran is only going to need more and more help as times goes on .

Supposedly mum’s MH team are doing future planning but not sure what they can or will offer .

I’m 29, 30 in July, living the life of the retired and elderly basically, and I’m so bloody fed up . Sometimes feel like life is totally pointless - all I’m doing is stuff for others . I haven’t seen a friend since April last year . It is utterly, totally shit .

If I can get the degree I’ve got a vocation and a foot in the NHS and an advantage in the job market - and maybe uni would offer chances to make friends and not be so alone - but I’ve no idea what to do .

Uni sent an email talking about a return to full classes ASAP - so online/distance learning isn’t an option . Even if it were they’ve said my course (AHP) is an exception .

If I don’t go back in January they’ve said I can’t go back at all . I’d lose all credits for what I’ve done already and waste a lot of money .

I’d get no real family support if I went back (I mean emotionally and practically, not £) but I don’t get much of that here as it is - so that shouldn’t factor in .

What would you do? Just take the chance and go back? Would that be wrong in the current situation ?

OP posts:
Bookishandblondish · 10/10/2020 21:31

So I grew up in a rural area and know how isolating and horrible it can be. And I didn’t have caring responsibilities. For me, uni was the way out . I don’t know your DMs age, but she could live for another thirty plus years and this needs to be factored in to your thinking.

Firstly, I’d ask the course coordinator and the student union about the scenario of a second lockdown ( I’m assuming that as a AHP course, you wouldn’t be asked to join the frontline): what’s the plan?

Secondly, what other routes out of the situation are there that are realistic? And are any of them appealing? I’m assuming that there is something about being an AHP that appeals beyond getting a foot in the NHS.
Is there an option to go part time/ switch to nearer home? What are the costs of quitting ?

Thirdly, do you know what you need support wise for your mental health? Can you articulate it - e.g I need to meet with a buddy three times a week to check in on my exercise, food, etc. Can you ask for support from the Uni ( I know I could have got it for two out of three of my universities - just not sure about one) to meet those needs. If you chose to go, make sure you set yourself up to succeed.

DM and MM - horrible as this is going to sound - is not entirely your responsibility. It will suit other people including your DF and health/ SS to have you become the carer for both as it means they don’t have to do it themselves. Regarding the mental health team, is it worth asking for a care review ( not sure of terminology) stating going back to uni and need to develop a plan that makes sure she is safe and cared for. Same with MM - ask for a care assessment.

So I would go back to uni- I just wouldn’t wing it and leave to chance as that will result in guilt and worry. And work out when you will return to help out - holidays but be clear in advance about the dates that work for you around your placements etc.

Covid - it’s likely to be around for some time. If you have specific health risks, that need ps to be taken into account. If not, then consider what is the risk of not going for your mental health - social contact is necessary which is why isolation in prisons is taken seriously.

The other option is to state that if they want to you to remain at home, then home needs to move to meet your needs.

Good luck but I think you need to put yourself first.

nostaples · 10/10/2020 21:46

You MUST go back to university otherwise you are resigning yourself to remaining in your current position.

@Bookishandblondish offers good advice.

SpeedofaSloth · 10/10/2020 21:52

Uni was my way out of life as a carer. Run, save yourself.

Gremlinsateit · 10/10/2020 23:27

Run back to uni as fast as you can. Ask the uni counselling service to provide you with support.

midlifecrash · 11/10/2020 00:46

Do not be the person who, whenever somebody has problems, they "ask you to solve them all". Nobody has the right to ask this of you. No family has the right to nominate somebody as the person who has no needs or wishes of their own, to be the universal carer.

Enchantmentz · 11/10/2020 00:55

Go back to uni for your own sake, it sounds like your dm and gm have the proper support networks in place. Sure nothing beats giving family support but not to the point of being a sacrificial lamb to do it.

There comes a point you need to put yourself first. Like pp said seek support and advice from university services and be around other people/students. Covid isn't ideal but if uni is your only out then you should jump at it imo.

colouringindoors · 11/10/2020 00:57

Go back to uni.

FifteenFluffyBunnies · 11/10/2020 01:04

Go back to Uni.
I graduated last year at the age of 35 and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m now working in the NHS. You need to secure a future for yourself.

MagnoliaXYZ · 11/10/2020 09:22

Go back to uni and complete your course.

There are other people around your mother and grandmother who can and should also be providing support for them.

CovidStoleTheRainbow · 11/10/2020 10:38

If you don't go back you will regret it forever.

Absolute no brainier.

Go back.

user128472578267 · 11/10/2020 10:42

Go back. Go back. Go back.

Ginfordinner · 11/10/2020 10:47

What everyone else has said.

Please don't let your family guilt trip you into being a miserable martyr for the rest of your life. You only get one life. Make the most of it.

riotlady · 11/10/2020 11:01

Absolutely go back, and make sure you talk to uni and get all the support for your mental health condition that you can. Your mum and grandma are not your responsibility and you can’t chain yourself to them for life out of guilt.

I don’t know what your AHP course is but if it’s OT and you want to talk through any course stuff specifically, please feel free to send me a message

Embracelife · 11/10/2020 11:05

Go back to uni and live your life

Tell ss you can no longer care gor your dm or dgm

You need your own life and career so you have your own money

Dont be guilted. You are important. You are way too young to be tied into caring wih no income and no prospects

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