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Am I in the wrong?

21 replies

Augustbaby1990 · 10/10/2020 10:11

I've been with my DP for 3 years we have a baby together and he has 2 other children from his last relationship.

His ex is really controlling when it comes to the children, everything has to be on her terms, one minute he can see the children the next he cant and she blocks him.

She is a vile women she calls us names, tells the children nasty things and is just all round not a nice person.

I've dealt with all the heart break everytime she stops him from seeing the children, everytime she threatens him and I'm now getting tired off it all.

I've asked him to go no contact with her and go to court to get a contact order so he has it in writing and she can't withhold the children. He says he will not do this and he doesnt see anything wrong with how things are atm. He hasn't seen the children in 8 weeks now because she's had one off her moods but he says there's nothing he can do.

I'm so tired of it all now and having to deal with his moods when she stops him seeing the children, I've told him I'm going to walk away from it now because its too much.

Am I in the wrong for telling him to get a court order so she can't keep doing this?

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VettiyaIruken · 10/10/2020 10:13

You aren't but since he prefers things this way and doesn't actually want to fight for his kids I can only conclude he isn't much bothered if he sees them or not.

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Augustbaby1990 · 10/10/2020 10:15

He misses them dearly and I get the kood swings from him and all of it. He just doesn't want to fight her and because SS are involved with her he doesnt want to make her appear bad. But I day so what, if she's stopping you seeing the children then you have every right to take her to court

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AuntieStella · 10/10/2020 10:17

You are not wrong to tell him that.

But you cannot make him do it. Why do you think he isn't?

When someone says they are happy with how things are, it might be worth believing them

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BluebellsGreenbells · 10/10/2020 10:20

So he thinks she’s a bad parent and isn’t will to fight via a court order?

Who does that?

Who leaves their kids somewhere they believe is unsuitable?

You’re asking the wrong questions

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HandfulofDust · 10/10/2020 10:22

You are not in the wrong but obviously he has to be on board for it to work. I'm really confused by how he can see 'nothing wrong' with a situation where he hasn't seen his kids for 8 weeks!

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Smallsteps88 · 10/10/2020 10:22

You are absolutely not in the wrong and I’d lose all respect for any parent that took such a lazy and damaging approach to his children.

I bet he’s lazy with your child too OP.

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Augustbaby1990 · 10/10/2020 10:23

I dont know, ive said I would happily take the children on, my HV is the one who complain to SS because when the children came over she saw them and she was not happy. I have also brought it up with him but he doesnt want to hurt her. I dont know why

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Smallsteps88 · 10/10/2020 10:24

He misses them dearly

No he doesn’t.

Imagine he took your child and wouldn’t let you see her, what would you do?

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Augustbaby1990 · 10/10/2020 10:25

He doesnt see anything wrong because he knows he will see them again once she snaps out of it and he will have them for say 3 weeks.

Hes not lazy with our child and when his children come stay hes amazing its just when they are not here that he doesnt stand up and be the father he can be

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Badbanana · 10/10/2020 10:25

Seems to me he’s worried that social services would try to place the dc with him.

He doesn’t want that bother with any of that so is happy to not see his dc for months and to leave them in an unsuitable home.

Oh, he’ll sulk about it as he needs to look like he gives a crap (and probably is sulking that his dc’s DM is making him look bad for not stepping up).

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Augustbaby1990 · 10/10/2020 10:26

@Smallsteps88 I would fight for my child all day long.

I dont understand and this is why I dont think I can be with him anymore

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Augustbaby1990 · 10/10/2020 10:27

@Badbanana he says he wants SS to do their investigation on their own and then hopefully they will place the children with him but I dont know why he doesnt do something now about it raugher then waiting.

He has no answers when I try to tell him

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Badbanana · 10/10/2020 10:31

[quote Augustbaby1990]@Badbanana he says he wants SS to do their investigation on their own and then hopefully they will place the children with him but I dont know why he doesnt do something now about it raugher then waiting.

He has no answers when I try to tell him[/quote]
He just doesn't want to fight her and because SS are involved with her he doesnt want to make her appear bad.

So he is full of shite then?

Sorry op but you are going to have to face the fact he is one of those blokes.

Happy to receive the accolades of a separated Dad doing his ‘best’ for the dc. As long as that doesn’t mean any living situation inconvenience or legal effort on his part.

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Smallsteps88 · 10/10/2020 10:32

I would fight for my child all day long.

Exactly.

You know who he is and what’s going on here.

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BonnieBleu · 10/10/2020 10:32

SS will not place the children with him. That in itself brings about the need for orders etc which can only be provided by the Courts

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Augustbaby1990 · 10/10/2020 10:33

@Badbanana this is what im thinking, I think im just going to leave our relationship and stay clear of any of it.

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moofolk · 10/10/2020 10:38

Sounds like you know exactly what he's like and need other people to say it, as they have.

You and PP are right. He can't be arsed fighting for his kids, he probably won't put the effort in for yours either.

Another things that hasn't been brought up:

I am always mistrustful of men who say their ex is nasty and won't let them see the kids. Hmmm. Why is that?

Is there something that she has seen in him that you haven't / are just beginning to?

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Augustbaby1990 · 10/10/2020 10:47

I think I did just need to hear that me leaving him is the right thing to do.

She is a nasty ex, I feel for their children as the way she is bringing them up is so heart breaking. She loves to be in control, its not him who.told me this I learnt it for myself over the years.

I have sat and spoken to her before and just things she came out with was vile, I dont think she even cares

But equally he needs to care for the children sake

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Badbanana · 10/10/2020 10:56

If that is what she is truly like the I think you’ve answered your own question.

Would you sit by and do nothing while your own dc was raised by her? Happily leave them there for months without seeing them?

What sort of father would?

Be warned though op...

Some men only genuinely care about their dc while they are with the mother. After that they become afterthoughts or worse, props to be used to boost their own ego (look at me and how hard I’m trying to be a good dad and the ex is so terrible...aren’t I amazing for putting up with the inconvenience of children?)

Whatever you are like be prepared to become the ‘evil’ ex.

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Augustbaby1990 · 10/10/2020 11:01

@Badbanana it is what she is truly like, when we had the kids last I washed their hair and the ex went mad saying I dyed her hair, I told her all I did was wash her hair and that was her natural hair colour. The things I could say that makes my heart ache would shock people.

I know things are going to change with us not being together and if he decides not to see his child or wants to say anything about me then he can. Im still going to be intouch with his parents so they can see our child but I'm trying to just get my head around everything

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Augustbaby1990 · 10/10/2020 11:03

Also no i could not sit by and leave children to deal with this women, me and my HV have spoken about this a few times and she said they are more then likely going to remove the children as the ex is not accepting support.

I dont know how ive let it goimg on so long, its like I've believed all off it for too long

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