My feed

to access all these features

Join the discussion and meet other Mumsnetters on our free online chat forum.


Dads spending

7 replies

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 09/10/2020 08:43

Hi all, any advice how to have a serious conversation with my DF about his spending? To put things into context he lives alone in rented council accommodation. He has done all his life. He's still working in retail and is 59. He spends every last penny of his wages on the essentials but also clothes, new furniture, tv subscriptions etc. Lots of lifestyle choices. He's told me he's just cashed in 100% of his workplace pension to get new carpets down, some decoration work and a new cooker. None of which he's told me needs to be replaced or faulty. He's also booked a holiday next year with the cash. When challenged he said that there wasn't a lot in the pension pot anyway (only a few thousand he said) and he's doing something to cheer himself up following what's gone on this year. I also get "it's alright for you you've got money". This is unfounded but I do lend money to him. I do get that it's his money and his choice but I'm worried that when he does retire he has no assets or savings and will just have the state pension. Any advice how to speak to him?

OP posts:
waitingforadulthood · 09/10/2020 08:48

Don't. He's an adult and your father, why on earth do you feel it appropriate to lecture him on his spending?
Of course if you are bitter that he lent money from you and you disapprove of how he spends it- the lesson there is don't lend money. It never ends well.
If he were vulnerable or incapacitated, then I'd understand but from what you've written he is a fully functioning working adult.

GinnieHempstock · 09/10/2020 14:09

I agree with @waitingforadulthood. I don’t think there is much you could or should say, except that you will not lend him any money in the future.
When you say lend - does he pay you back or do you actually give him money?

BarbaraofSeville · 09/10/2020 15:04

To be honest, I'd just leave him to it. If he's in rented council accomodation and working, he should have enough to pay his rent, bills and feed himself, providing that he budgets effectively. When he's above pension age he'll be entitled to extra benefits to help with his rent or he can carry on working if able.

You need to toughen up when he comes to you with the 'I can't pay my electricity bill' sob story because he could have done if he wanted to and didn't buy a load of non essentials.

In a lot of cases, people who say things like it's alright for you you've got money say this because they've spent all their own money and want to get on and spend other people's too. The concept of other people having money because they don't spend all their money on crap seems to be lost on them.

Having lent money to people like this, I've vowed never again because they're almost always piss takers. I will help with budgeting advice, talking to CAB, banks etc, but I will never 'lend' money because all it achieves is other people having a good time at my expense. Funnily enough, people like this don't want help with the boring grown up world of budgeting, they just want to keep living a fun life at someone else's expense.

Darklane · 09/10/2020 15:35

Don’t try telling him but don’t lend to him either.
Just to add a bit of perspective. My dad died last year aged 95. He’d worked all his life, not a well paid job but had paid diligently into his private pension all his working life, often going without any small luxuries as he thought that was more important eg he never owned a car. He too lived alone in rented council accommodation & paid full rent My mum had died years ago.
When he retired he had his state pension & a very, very tiny pension from work. He was just slightly above the threshold for any benefits at all. So he still paid full rent & when he needed a bit of care, someone coming in once a day supposedly to get him up though they never arrived till gone ten & he was always up by 6am, a habit from his working days, so all they did was put the washing machine on & leave him to sort it, he had to pay for it all.
What rankled was the chap next door who’d never worked a day in his life as far as dad knew, was twenty years younger, got his rent free & every benefit he could claim including a motorbility car as he claimed he had a bad back though we often saw him up ladders doing odd jobs & he walked three miles round trip every day to the village for his paper & cigarettes.

JoJoSM2 · 10/10/2020 07:51

I agree that I wouldn’t try to tell him but I wouldn’t lend to him either. His life his choices even if it pains you to see him not being sensible.

user1471538283 · 10/10/2020 08:17

I would leave him to it but not lend him money again. It is so hard. We all want a comfortable retirement but some of us don't live long enough. As long as he can cover the essentials when he retires this is his decision.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 10/10/2020 08:34

Have to be honest people like your dad piss me off, they blow what they have knowing fully well the state will provide as he's 'destitute' in old age.

Then there's idiots like me trying to save what little I have mainly because of pride. Living in a house we struggled to buy outright so won't have the luxury of the state funding repairs in my old age.

I mean there's not much you can do with it. And it's up to him, but for me it's disgusting behaviour. As for pension pots being cashed out early I don't think that should be an option unless someone's diagnosed with a terminal illness and it's actually needed.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.