Are you from, or do you think you have, a happy family? Please can you tell me what makes it happy?

[everybodysang]

I had a very unhappy, abusive childhood. I am now very happily married with two lovely stepchildren (17 and 20) who we don't see very much at the moment as they are away at school and university but are mostly pretty great when they're here, plus nine-year-old DD. I think we have a pretty happy family, I work hard to make DD's childhood nice and I did the same when the stepkids were young too (I mean, I still do, but they're not here as much now!).
DH is retraining at the moment and very busy, I'm WFH and doing a qualification which is making me very busy. DD is not really enjoying being back at school and is a bit unhappy at the moment. What with that and everything else going on it all feels rather difficult and I think we're all feeling tired and a bit disjointed.
I'd love to hear about what made your childhood happy, or what makes your family happy, so I can put a bit of effort into making things feel a bit better for all of us. I do come up with ideas and we do have fun, but coming from such an unhappy background means that sometimes I just don't feel I have many reserves to draw on... would love some inspiration.

The fact you care is huge. So give yourself some credit for that.
What else makes it happy? Spending time together- simple things like reading a chapter book in bed at night, taking walks and talking, playing some board games, opening discussions so your child knows they can always talk to you, helping them have an emotions vocabulary (google an emotions wheel as a good starting point), looking at photos, talking about memories and hopes and dreams. Honesty and respect.

Making memories.. baking together, drawing, being silly, making her laugh.
Dont sweat the small stuff.

I didnt have the greatest childhood either (thats a whole new thread)
But im trying with my kids to learn from my past if i can make them laugh at least once anday then they will remember a fun mum rather thrn a stressed one (despite the fact that there is always something going tits up)

Even when life is busy make time if possible so a sneaky trip to Maccy D as a surprise or a trip after school pick up for a drink and snack at a cafe so you have that 1-1 time.
Your DD is at the age where you can explain why you might seem a bit busy and why the course is important but then ask her how she feels.
See if she has any ideas about what she would like to do in your free time or is there a friend you can have over to hang out to improve school life.
I had a happy upbringing but it wasn’t perfect my parents worked and I was sometimes home alone until 6 ish (when an older teen) but that didn’t mean I felt unloved.
There was always time together at the weekend baking or cooking or them taking me and a friend swimming etc.
I think we are all a bit tired and out of step at the minute she is probably finding the rush of routine tiring after lockdown.
You sound like a lovely mum and work hard to make it a happy family life but sometimes it isn’t as lovely as we’d like but kids don’t expect perfect all the time

I think you shouldn't put too much pressure on yourself. Be present for your family, don't worry so much about fun stuff. Make sure you talk to each other every day, have a good routine of family dinner, reading at bedtime, Friday night family movie night etc. Fun stuff is great but children really thrive in secure routine.

I agree with pp that the fact you are considering it and trying to make sure it's working means your probably doing it already.

A great sense of humour. Lots of laughter in the house. No arguing, or pressure, or holding grudges (although no getting away from the standard teenage sulks, of course!). Tolerance and love. Supporting each other. Empathy. Encouragement. A balance of time together and space to be alone. You sound like you're doing a fantastic job!

We are a pretty happy family I would say.

I think it's important to remember that it's okay for people to be unhappy, it's unrealistic to expect everyone to be happy all of the time.

Being free to feel annoyed, dissatisfied or worried about a situation or event, can be very powerful. We've had some very sad girls over the years, what with quakes and relocations. Feeling supported, and able to express those emotions seems to help them move on to a more positive frame of mind.

The girls are adept at carving out some one on one time with us, which is fantastic. We have a very open relationship with great communication, and a lot of laughs as a result.

I don't think you need to go out of your way to contrive memories - they happen best as part of normal family life. Lapland and Disneyland aren't where the memories necessarily are; in fact homegrown stuff is often far more fun and what they remember are making biscuits and playing crazy golf. It's doing stuff with them and not just taking them somewhere to be entertained.

I think if you are enjoying yourself with your children, chances are they will be happy too. Reasonable but quite high expectations, celebrating success, clear and explicit but not excessive rules which can occasionally be broken.

Mainly time, attention in a good way and fun.

I had a very happy childhood, traumatic young adulthood (mum died and we kids were abandoned by DF) and am now happily married with a toddler and new baby on the way.

Things that my mum did that bought us joy as kids that I want to do with mine:

• really listen, take an interest in little child's opinions and world-view, get to know them
• try to make an effort once a day to do something together that they'll really enjoy
• make a plan (ideally quarterly but at least once a year!) that is 1:1 and a huge special treat for them - my mum used to take me to the theatre just the 2 of us and each trip is stil an amazing memory for me; of her noticing things I loved and sharing them with me in a really special way!
• lots of kisses and cuddles, positive discipline, kindness.

It sounds like you're doing great already so don't sweat it if these don't resonate or aren't your choices! Not a guaranteed system or anything, just sharing for ideas :) Best wishes to you

I agree with pp who said don't worry about doing 'big' things. #makingmemories feels false and you'll end up spending a fortune. Don't go down the road of 'treating' her to make her feel special.

You just need to make sure that she knows you will listen, and she knows she is loved unconditionally. It doesn't matter if you bake with her or go swimming or whatever. Yes it can be fun to share activities together but the main thing is that she needs to know she is always safe with you, not just in the traditional sense of the word but that she is also safe to be herself, to mess up, to make mistakes and you will still be there at the end of it all loving her unconditionally. That doesn't mean that she can walk all over you and do whatever she wants but if you treat her with respect and kindness then she will know you always love her.

My Mum and Dad both used to regularly say things to me like 'you make me so proud' or 'I'm so lucky you're my daughter' or 'you are growing up to be such a great person' etc. I thought everyone's parents said this sort of stuff to them but discovered not. We didn't do lots of activities or days out etc - both parents worked full time and my mum was a carer for my Nan - but that didn't matter.

I look back on my childhood with fondness. There was never arguments between my parents and always a warm home with plenty of food..We were not very well off but by no means skint. Holidays were always in a caravan but that's more than a lot of people got in those days. I wouldn't say there is a magic formula.

Time with your children is so important. I worked full time but when I could I'd pick DS up from school and we would do something like walk to the chippy and buy fish and chips to eat by the canal for tea, decorate a friends Christmas tree, go to the park

this is lovely to read. Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. It's bucked me up loads because we do a lot of these things - I just want to make sure we keep connecting. DH is going to be a bit absent for the next six months or so because of his training so trying to find a new equilibrium is important.

@bananallamas 'My Mum and Dad both used to regularly say things to me like 'you make me so proud' or 'I'm so lucky you're my daughter' or 'you are growing up to be such a great person' etc. I thought everyone's parents said this sort of stuff to them but discovered not.' - that's so lovely. My parents never said anything at all like this to me and it was a shock to me to realise that other people did - I say things like that to my DD all the time and it's so easy, it makes me sad that my mum didn't feel she could say those things to me.