DS not saying hello

[Mirr0rBaLL]

OK I know this sounds like a really stupid thing, but it's worrying me a bit and I don't know how to tackle it. My DS is 7 and every day when we walk to/from school/wait at the gate for drop off his classmates will see him and say, 'Hi X!' really excitedly/happily, and my DS either ignores them until I say, oh, I think Y is talking to you, or gives them a real half-hearted, grumpy, 'hi' and that's it. My DS has always been on the quiet side in large groups although his teachers have described him as quietly confident and having friends in the classroom, and if he's playing one-to-one with children (that I've seen) he is chatty and happy but it's just in this situation that he can't seem to respond politely.

I would never make him go and play with them or anything as I understand if he is feeling shy, all I ever ask is that he says hello back to them politely and friendly as it just comes across as so rude. But I also don't want to turn it into a massive deal with him Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this, or any experience? I'd be so grateful as it's making me dread the school run a bit as I turn into a lunatic Pollyanna bellowing hello at children whilst my DS is stood there silently

My ds with asd struggles a bit with what he sees as pointless social niceties and I’ve found it helps to spell out for him very clearly what the expectation is because otherwise he doesn’t see it.

I’m not diagnosing your dc, just sharing that a very direct approach helped mine. There’s a big difference between “so and so said hello” expectant pause “ aren’t you going to say something”
and
“ when a classmate says hello, say hello back”
To a neurotypical they’re the same but for my ds with asd they’re worlds apart.

On the other hand, if there’s no sn, it might be worth exploring if there’s a little bullying going on. I remember this kind of thing from my own school days.

He sounds shy. Don’t make a scene OP just say hi “Lucy” and move on swiftly.

As a shy child I absolutely hated my name called out in assembly to collect my certificate in front of the whole school I would sit there and I wouldn’t dare get up. Everybody would turn around and look at me this lasted through out of my primary school

Thank you both so much for your responses, @thelegohooverer I really like the idea of spelling it out to him in a straightforward, they say hello, you say hello way as I think he will get that - I think he enjoys our walk to/from school as it is uninterrupted time to talk to me (usually about great schemes he has when he grows up ) and sees the school friends saying hello as an interruption iyswim?

And thank you @Holiday21plea, you're right about not making a fuss about it as I know he is definitely on the shy side. I think it was just becoming a big issue in my head so it's really helpful to hear from someone who was that shy child.

My DD (8) is the same. I tell her it's rude not to say hello back and stand still and wait until she does.

My DS is the same, like @thelegohooverer's son, he doesn't know how he should respond and to what extent... so he'd rather just say "Hi" but it comes across as rather curt and doesn't sound very friendly. I have had to spell out to him (more than once, obviously) exactly what I want him to say and to use the person's name, but this is awkward too sometimes as he didn't always know the child (or remember their name).

I would mention these things when we weren't actually in the situation as that made him feel awkward then he wouldn't be able to say anything, which defeats the object. So I'd mention it on the way out the door for example, well before the scenario cropped up. Afterwards if he'd remembered I'd praise him for saying the right thing.

It's odd because we used to have a 45 minute bus journey to his first school, and we'd spend the time practising his social skills with small toys. He was very very good at responding to adults ("Hello MiniNoodle, how are you?" "I'm fine thanks, and how are you?") but children seemed harder for him, perhaps they are less predicable?

My ds, same age, undergoing autism assessment, does exactly what you say. I think he's got tunnel vision and tries to block everything out a it's too overwhelming.

For what it's worth, I was literately your son as a child. I don't have ASD but I did have undiagnosed anxiety. I used to panic so much over the right thing to say, that nothing would come out. Or if it did, it was very curt and to the point. I was so shy, and I panicked in social situations. It did get better with guidance from my Mum! Just keep practicing, telling him exactly how to respond (remind him to smile when he says hello) is a great start, do it before the situation and then praise if done right!

This was me up until recently OP. DCs have got much better as they’ve got older.

Thank you all so much! It's really helped hearing all of your experiences and ideas - he's my only child so I think when things like this come up I start to worry he's the only child in the world doing it I'm definitely going to try talking to him about it when we're not in the situation, practising how to do it and praising him when he does it right.

@TheNoodlesIncident my ds is similar regarding adults vs children.

This is the same issue I have with my DS . I'm watching this thread as I need ideas.

OP I could have written the exact same post about my just-turned 8 y.o. DS.

Thing is, he is actually very popular and has lots of friends so i find it odd. I think I really need to just impress upon him how he needs to respond. I worry that although his lack of response doesn't seem to bother the other kids now, at some point they will get fed up of it.

I have had this in childhood. And still have it in groups where I won't say hello.

I think mine is selective mutism, especially in groups.

You need to establish what the cause is for your son. its great you have noticed.

Sounds like my DS, who has selective mutism. It's taken a lot of work from us and his primary school but he has improved massively (took him four years to speak to his teachers at school, didn't speak to one of his grandmothers until he was about 8 but is now coping at secondary school although still won't speak in many situations) but he still won't say hello in the street to someone he knows. Not necessarily your son's issue, but in DS's case the key was not doing anything to make him more anxious, not making a big deal of it but over time taking baby steps (eg wouldn't answer register in school but eventually would wave at teacher; won't speak to friend in street but will at least smile if it's a good friend).

I just wanted to update this and thank you all so much for your tips and insights - I spoke to him about it at the weekend in a very casual way, just explained that it's a bit like a rule that if someone says hello you say hello back and people might see it as rude not to say hello - we made it into something funny by talking about other ways we could be rude like throwing pies at people (his suggestion!) and so then every morning since on the way to school I've just said something like, 'Remember, don't throw any pies at anyone, say hello with a smile if they say hello to you' and then just carried on with whatever we've been talking about, and then massively praised him when he has done it, and I have to say it has made a big difference already - he is saying hello and smiling at anyone who says it to him, including other parents which he had also struggled with. He is still quite shy I think so I would never push him to talk to anyone after that (and he still doesn't seem to want to) so we just carry on chatting ourselves but it has definitely got easier on the hello front. So thank you all once again, it really helped to hear your perspectives so much

That’s brilliant. Well done. I love the bit about throwing pies!