Please help me with my teenage DS

[Littleideasbigbook]

I have been pretty pleased and relieved that my DS (17) has been an easy ride teenager wise. There has been the typical teenager behaviour (messy room, not communicating much, not doing homework, fighting with his siblings etc) but generally he has achieved well at school, he has had 3 part time jobs, he is a talented musician and has had some success with his band etc.

But the start of Year 13 has been horrendous - he is very angry, has lost a lot of weight and has been drinking alcohol on Saturday nights. He has started self harming in the last month (has been assessed and is being supported by a MH nurse for suicidal thoughts and anxiety). It all blew up last night, I collected him from his job at 9pm. He came home and started going mental because I had moved his school bag off the sofa, then started shouting at his younger brother (they share a room and DS2 was watching something in there) and then he spilt a pint glass of juice on the sofa and when I told him to clean it up started punching his bed, told me to fuck off and went to his friends house and is saying he isn't coming home. DP (not his dad) tried to speak to him but he said this is all my fault as I moved his bag.

I had him young on my own and his Dad has never really been involved, sees him once a month if that. None of my friends have a teenager (all have no or younger kids) and my parents see him as the 'golden child' so they will agree with him and lay the blame at my door so thought I would ask for advice on here. I am a bit lost, 17 years old seems really late to be starting to behave like this. He lost his job, his girlfriend, his school, his social life and his gigs in April so I suspect this is a delayed reaction. When did your teenagers start to act out? I have sent him a message asking him to come home and he is refusing. What can I do? Feel a bit frantic.

only thing I can suggest is to try and get him to talk to you about what’s going on and really listen to him. Let him know you love him.

Clearly the blow up about moving the bag is not the issue.

I don't think he is a teenager acting out. He is clearly struggling at the moment with his mental health , he has suicidal thoughts and anxiety. Not surprising when he lost all of those things in April and the future is so uncertain for young people. You need to support him working with the MH services,don't dismiss what's happening by calling it 'acting out'. Hope things improve for him soon .

He will not speak to me at all. I have tried but he will not communicate with me.

My child told me he couldn't talk to me which was a surprise because I thought we had a good relationship. I think he meant I just tried to smooth things over, make things ok , tell him we all feel like that etc. Now I just really listen and say I can see why he is finding what ever hard etc and this seems to reassure him that I am trying to understand.

Can you speak to his friend's parents and just make sure he's ok to stay there, and then send him a message saying you're here if he wants to talk, but don't put him under any pressure. I agree with the others that the bag really isn't the issue here.

Not meaning to be critical, because obviously if you don't have another room there's not much you can do, but at 17, I think it'll be quite difficult for him not to have his own space. He's got nowhere that's exclusively his where he can go and chill after work or just have some privacy to chat to mates online etc.
How long has your DP been in his life, and has your ds had a good relationship with him and you up till recently, enough to confide or offload any problems? Maybe something's happened at school, or he's worried about the workload?

I have a 16 year old DS and like you up have been really pleased that we seem to have swerved the usual teenagery behaviour, but am always on the look out for it starting tbh! Am also not oblivious to the fact he may be living one life with us and behaving differently elsewhere but hopefully not.

His reaction does sound extreme and tbh he may just see you as a bit if a punching bag for his emotions, a safe space for him to express his frustration and anger with his loss of all the things you mention so it might not be you he now confides in - although hopefully that will change as he gets older.

Could you get someone objective to suggest he source some support from places like Shout (a text chat support line Shout text number is 85258? If he doesn't know it's coming from you he may be more prepared to try it.

I am sorry you are going through this, he will realise you only have love for him eventually, ir may just take some time.

I didn't mean 'acting out' as in bad behaviour, I meant he is acting out his distress and I am aware that his behaviour is a communication. But he will not enter into any kind of transaction with me. I am trying to just offer unconditional love and give practical and emotional support but it isn't enough.

But I have to balance his needs with that of my other two children too though, his 9 year old sister was terrified last night. I feel terrible about that too.

I don't have another bedroom unfortunately, live in a 3 bedroom semi. We were looking to move but the pandemic has put that on hold as houses where I live are really pricey.

Hi OP. I was just confused because you asked when other teenagers acted out. Alot of teenagers feel low or have periods of anxiety and do stupid things but self harm and talking about suicide and drinking alot when it hadsnt been an issue aren't what most teenagers go through. Your youngest shouldn't be made to feel scared though .It is hard with competing needs in the house. Can either of the child's school refer you on to social care early help services? Sorry don't know what it is called in your area.