How to get baby to attach to the dad?

[Laura55]

Me and my baby’s father just got back together recently. He went away when baby was 4 months old and he came back now when she’s almost 10 months. Our relationship was very toxic and I just chose to be away from him until he gets back on his feet (mentally) so it doesn’t affect my daughter. She’s seen him in these 6 months but just for a 2-3 hours at a time, however she was very calm and happy. Now that he moved in with us and he’s here everyday she seems very scared and very stressed all the time. As soon as he goes to pick her up and play with her she starts screaming looking for me and holding her hands towards me so I can “save her”. I don’t know what to do, I feel like he won’t create a bond with her because she’s a mummy’s girl and isn’t showing any interest in him. She’s not like that all the time but 80% of the time she’s very moody around him.
I feel bad for the way I didn’t let him come stay with us but I just considered that us arguing and screaming everyday was way more damaging to her than them not spending time together everyday. She’s also way more attached to me since he came, if she sees us hugging or just playing around she screams so bad it’s like she’s trying to argue with him.
What can I do to help them have a bond? I don’t want her being 1-2 years old hating her dad or not feeling like jumping on him to hug him like a little girl should do thank you!!

Are you really, honestly sure that living together is a good decision? In just a few months your baby daughter has learned that he is an upsetting and frightening person. If you both genuinely have her best interests at heart your partner will move back out and you can work on building their relationship at her pace.

I’m not going to get into questioning your choices to have him in your life. But 9months is pretty much peak separation anxiety time. Your dd won’t recognise him at all, he is a stranger. Plenty of time and positive interaction will help.

I just considered that us arguing and screaming everyday was way more damaging to her than them not spending time together everyday. She’s also way more attached to me since he came, if she sees us hugging or just playing around she screams so bad grin it’s like she’s trying to argue with him.

I'm trying to be gentle, because you did remove yourself and your daughter from a toxic relationship - but honestly, damage IS done.

She connects him with screaming and upset. That's what she expects when she sees him. I'm not a professional so i can't give professional advice about how to change this, but please don't keep making her go to him. She's frightened and i'm afraid pushing it will cause more damage :(

I'm hoping someone can come and give you some constructive advice.

I’d be letting her go to him in her own time. He’s been pretty much absent for most of her short life and when he was around doesn’t seem to have been a positive presence in her life.

As he lives with you, and you both build your relationship with each other, she will start to see him as a safe person, you really can’t force that attachment. You and he will need to work to care for and support your daughter.

You describe your relationship as toxic, and while you both maybe in a different place and hopefully are on a non-toxic even keel, she doesn’t know that - in her mind you’ve let someone unsafe move into her house, of course she’s going to be scared and stressed on a purely instinctive level - wouldn’t you be?

Take your time, do things the three of you together but always be prepared to step in and “save” her, let her get to know him again, keep things calm in the house and she’ll learn that he’s a safe person for her.

She’s also way more attached to me since he came, if she sees us hugging or just playing around she screams so bad grin it’s like she’s trying to argue with him.

She’s screaming because her mummy is hugging someone that she thinks isn’t safe, perfectly understandable. She isn’t going to change her feeling about him because you’ve decided you want him back, it’s going to take time and consistent, predictable care from you and him - which is precisely how all attachment forms in babies.