Was the sexual assault or am I just an idiot?

[user191264]

I have no idea where to post this. And I have name changed.

I am 30 years old and didn't think about this for all these years until I saw the man who did this about 3 years ago.

When I was 13 I was so naive and hadn't even kissed a boy. Me and my Friend met a group of boys a year older and hung around with them for a few weeks (when I say hung around I literally mean barely spoke just hung around in the group)

One day they asked me to meet and I went, we got on a bus and I didn't know where we was going (felt to scared to ask). They took me to an empty house (one of theirs) and one of the boys asked me to give him oral sex. I became really scared and i knew I was in a terrible situation. I didn't know how to do that or what to do but I said yes out of panic. Without going into detail You can imagine it wasn't very successful. But I knew all the friends were watching and laughing behind me. I was so humiliated and terrified. Thank god there wasn't camera phones back then.

I can't even remember how I managed to get out of there.

I feel like this is my fault because I said yes, even though I said yes out of fear.

Can anyone help me clarify my feelings. Now I have my own daughter I feel differently about it, like this wouldn't be her fault.

@Ohjustboreoff

It was horrid what you went through but according to law no you were not sexually assaulted. If your OP is as you described you did not say no or try to get away and were held back or forced to give oral sex. I don't say this to take away from you how scared you must have been but if the lads were around your age and they asked and you gave saying they should have known you didn't want to isn't the same as saying or acting like you don't want too. You were not sexually assaulted.

Absolutely wrong. She was too young to consent.

Thank you all so much. This has helped me put it into context.

[quote jdoejnr1]@BogRollBOGOF

Where has the OP said anything like that? In the example you gave there was fear of violence there's no suggestion of that here. Besides, whether or not it was legally sexual assault changes nothing. Its happened and its how the OP fells now and how she can be helped thats more important.

OP this is clearly affecting you and MN is unlikely to help you process the feelings you have right now. I urge you to seek some professional help be that counselling or something else.[/quote]
My point is that consent is not genuine where there is a percieved pressure or threat. In OP's case not violence, but there is a fear of negative consequences from a peer group when in an unfamiliar and unsettling situation.

I raised a different kind of scenario about "consenting" to give an object away under pressure which most people would rightly recognise as being a crime and not genuine consent.

There is so much "morality" about female sexual behaviour. When I was assaulted, it took a moment to process what was happening and I initially froze. I then happened to have a fight reaction. Afterwards I questioned all the stupid stuff like what I'd been wearing, my behaviour around other people, but really it only comes down to not having given him permission to do that to my body and nothing else.

OP's situation is different, but social pressure is highly relevant in whether consent is truely given and it is a natural process to question your actions. It shouldn't be and I hope that post #metoo it gets easier for females and males to be clear about what consent is and how so many other factors are not relevant.

[quote CorianderLord]@jdoejnr1 ok so what was she scared of then? Being embarrassed? Shamed? Yelled at? Still not OK.

She felt threatened in some way and was 13 surrounded by multiple older boys - therefore coercion in my eyes. [/quote]
I was the girl that said 'no' many time, the 'fridged virgin' as some said and I got beaten up many time by the GIRLS that heard about it later for being 'uncool' even though the boys never really cared, they accepted the 'no' just fine and many condemed the girls actions or would be the ones to come help me and tell the other girls to leave me alone

theres lots of reasons a person can be 'scared' but it doesnt make it automatically the guys fault, your just assuming she is scared of the boy or that the boys are abusing her fear of something else (that they may not even know about)

I feel sorry for the OP but that doesnt automatically mean someone else has to be blamed just as no is 'no', yes is 'yes' and the onus cannot be put on a young teen boy to be expected to know that 'yes' secretly means 'no' in this instance, people can only go off what they are told

Linda Ellen - so was the boy and technically it was her doing it to him so by that logical he was sexually assaulted

when it comes to both parties being consenting underage minors it is not sexual assault as they are equal in the law

You were outnumbered in a house you didn't know. Any 14 year old boy who was decent would know that a girl of 13 (or any age really) wouldn't want to perform a sex act on someone they hardly knew in front of his friends who were laughing and jeering.

They purposefully intimidated you op, purposefully invited you to an empty house without telling you their intentions and purposefully only 'asked your consent' when you were isolated, in a stranger's house being watched by a group of older boys.

It was not your fault and what they did was coerce and intimidate you into performing a sex act.

What they did was very, very wrong and unforgivable.

My eldest son is 13 - he would know what these boys did was wrong as would any decent teenage boy who was not on a path to become a future sexual predator.