Housework- what is reasonable?

[HotGlueGun]

I'd like to gauge what people think is reasonable in the following scenario:

Family of 4 with a 6yo and 2yo. One parent works 4 days a week; the other doesn't work at all (I'm talking about paid employment here, not domestic labour). The non-working parent is at home with the 2yo for 3 days of the week. The other 2 days, the 2yo is at nursery. The non-working parent does all the cooking, making of breakfasts, getting eldest to school on time etc. The working parent does all of the laundry, folding, putting away as well as organising the food shopping, sorting out school things, uniform, washing up after dinner, tidying the kitchen etc.

The house is a mess and the bathrooms not cleaned in weeks (apart from a quick wipe down). What would you suggest is a fair and reasonable way to divide the remaining chores (eg. Hoovering, cleaning the bathrooms, tidying toys away, meal planning etc). Should these be split equally between both adults or should the non-working parent take most of these on, given 2 full child-free days.

The non- working parent here does all this: cooking, making of breakfasts, getting eldest to school on time etc. [.....]all of the laundry, folding, putting away as well as organising the food shopping, sorting out school things, washing up after dinner, tidying the kitchen etc plus Hoovering, cleaning the bathrooms, tidying toys away, meal planning

Also, we used to have a cleaner but the working parent is reluctant to have a cleaner now given reduced household income and the other parent not working.

The non working parent should be doing those things. All of them.

The non working parent should do everything during the week.

Weekends should be split between parents so they both have a bit of free time.

Non working parent should be doing 90% I'd say. Two year olds are hard work, but two childfree days a week means you can clean the bathroom!!

What does non working parent do on their two days “off”? 🤔

So the "days off" have only come into effect recently and the intention is for them to be used to decorate the house and also keep on top of housework. But in the past week, neither of these were done. The working parent is not 100% sure what is done on these two days by the other parent. It seems to take the non-working parent a long time to do tasks. Plus the non-working parent likes to do exercise during the week with the 2 year old. Also days out with grandparents. That kind of thing. Working parent (which you might have guessed by now is me!) is feeling more than a bit resentful. The state of the house really affects my anxiety and whilst I'm grateful that my other half does loads with the kids and does all the cooking etc. I still feel that I have to drive all areas of the household as well as working in a demanding job.

Surely the whole house could be cleaned thoroughly on the 2 free days?
Laundry can be done daily even with a small child around.
Cooking, general tidying and can be shared.

Is the non-worker depressed?

@dimdarkashian i agree re: the washing. I used to do a load a day, dry and fold every day. But now don't have time to do this every day without help from DH. Sometimes he tries but I have to literally write everything out that he needs to do, otherwise nothing gets done. I shouldn't have to do this.

YANBU. The other parent has two child-free days. They should do the cleaning then. Or they should go back to work again so that the family can afford a cleaner.

The job market isnt exactly rosy at the moment!!! And we'd then have to pay for nursery full time. And in answer to the question as to whether he's depressed... no, absolutely not. Just very very very laid back

If you need to write out a list then just do it :)

On free day 1 a, b, c needs done
On free day 2 x, y, z needs done

And it needs to be done every week.

See how he gets on with that!

@dimdarkashian I think this is what I'm going to have to do but really really resent having to do it. A grown adult should be able to organise his days/ weeks effectively. He understands that "the home" is his job now.... but he seems to spend forever washing up/ making lunch whilst listening to the radio/ music. Like an extended holiday I guess. I need to get firmer don't I?

The person not working should do most jobs on the child-free days. Jobs at the weekend (cooking, washing up etc) should be shared together.

I’ve just started having half a day child free a week, during which I am hoping to clean three bathrooms, hoover the house and mop several floors and change three lots of bedsheets. I’d love to have two free days to do it in!

You can get a lot of housework done when you don't have toddlers undoing any tidying.

Your DH is being completely unreasonable. 2 completely child free days and I assume no disability to hold him back? Ridiculous.

He should be doing everything really. How long did your previous cleaner take? And no, don't get another one, he should be doing it.

I do all the house stuff, laundry, cooking. H has quite a stressful career, will do washing up occasionally, bins, hanging out washing. Does a lot with our child but keeping things running here is completely my domain.

Why aren't the bathrooms being cleaned? It takes all of ten minutes for whoever ends up doing it.

We have a full time working parent and a non working parent although importantly no toddlers anymore.

Working parent, DH works away a lot. When he's here he empties the dishwasher every morning, makes a cup of tea, does the ferrying round of DC to clubs etc, cuts the grass and other heavy gardening, does dishes with DC after dinner, will do shopping and light cooking if required, takes DC out at weekends, will do homework/reading with them.

Non working parent (me) does everything else, including decorating and most DIY although DH/older DC assist with heavy lifting

There really shouldn't be that much left to do at weekend TBH sounds like time isn't this issue it's being organised.
You can scrub a bathroom top to bottom in 20 minutes.

Any parent at home should be doing jobs to keep the house clean and on track, whether they have a two year old with them or not. The only jobs you can skip out on with kids at home is DIY and decorating, IMO.

My dp doesn't notice dirty bathrooms or washing to be done. He was off last week for the whole week I worked 7 days in a row and all he did was wash up, cleaned the hamsters, cook, take the bins and general tidy up, hoovering. No washing, not much cleaning was done apart from the kitchen hob.
He only really moans if the place is a pigsty otherwise to him it's tidy.

Some men, not all, some have lower standards, especially when they are doing it themselves then need praise that they have done something to help "us"

You will probably need to give him a list of things to do but you may need to either lower your standards, blitz the house yourself once a week or find the funds for a cleaner once a fortnight or something.

Even though yes he should be doing the housework properly.

Don't think the division is quite fair, op. Is NWP a bit lazy, has different standards or is just generally being laidback? Do they understand what the end goal is ie that you are a team as a family and if most jobs get done in the week you can enjoy some family time at weekends? Or do they maybe feel that domestic work is beneath them or not valued for doing it? Maybe you should talk to him about these kind of things.

As an aside, I work 4 days per week and do around 80 percent of household chores as DH works 60+ hours per week at present (inc. Commuting time). So he could 8n theory say I should do all household tasks as I work around 20 hours less per week outside the home than him but he does jobs at home as it stops me from feeling the burden and drudgery that can come with housework and he gets this. So it is not always as simple as a mathematical division.

He's definitely not lazy and he's very much a good person... he just prioritises other things over the house (like exercise). But having a clean house and a nice home for the kids is massively important to me and the mess exacerbates my anxiety. He also faffs and gets easily sidetracked. So jobs that should take 30 minutes easily end up taking 2 hours. He has one speed and will only go at his own pace. He genuinely struggles with organisation and basic planning... to the extent that I wonder whether he has any sort of undiagnosed condition. Or maybe he's just so laid back that it doesn't matter to him. Anyway, we've talked and he's apologised for not doing the bathrooms. He has done one of them today but only after we had a heated debate about it last night. He's agreed to be on top of things going forward but it remains to be seen if he actually will. I think part of the problem is that his parents have massively enabled him... not doing cleaning as such but things that a grown adult should be able to do.