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Gift for friend that miscarried

14 replies

thetangleteaser · 03/10/2020 22:23

Sorry I had no idea where to post this, I didn’t feel the pregnancy forum was appropriate.

Just after some impartial advice. My best friend sadly miscarried a few weeks ago, it wasn’t a straight forward process and had scan after scan as the hospital was unable to determine the baby’s viability. It’s been hideous for her and she’s understandably very sad.

I stupidly got overexcited a brought her a really small gift when she first found out that I planned to give her when I next saw her. It’s a small version of the soft toy she brought my daughter, the toy itself is also a bit of a joke between us as it’s not your conventional bunny or bear but she knew I’d love it for my daughter and I did!

Now she’s lost her baby I’m really unsure whether I should still gift her the soft toy, it’s really small and she’s a sentimental person who I feel would find comfort in it but having not been through this myself I really do not want to come off insensitive.

Please let me know if you feel it’s appropriate or not, I keep going back and forth!

OP posts:
Rainbowsoup · 03/10/2020 22:30

No I wouldn’t. I think it’s got a greater chance of causing her further upset than comfort.

beelzeboob · 03/10/2020 22:32

I wouldn’t OP. Tell her that you’re there for her, and give her company if she needs it. Don’t give her gifts like that though, it will probably upset her. You sound very thoughtful though

mineofuselessinformation · 03/10/2020 22:34

Don't give her the toy - it will remind her of why she bought her version for you. (You could always save it for a pregnancy with a positive outcome, but never let her know when you bought it.)
Your biggest gift to her will be to quietly support her by letting her know that you are there with a listening ear if she wants one, and practical help if she needs it.

peonia · 03/10/2020 22:37

I wouldn't either, I think the risk of upsetting her is greater than the comfort the gift would bring.

If you live close by maybe you could bring some meals for her so she doesn't have to think about cooking or just offer your company?

byvirtue · 03/10/2020 22:39

I would say no to the toy. I’ve always sent my friends flowers to tell them I’m thinking of them but they’ve not been local to me so I couldn’t just pop in.

olderthanyouthink · 03/10/2020 22:39

Put it away somewhere and as PP said don't let her know which baby it was bought for.

PurpleDaisies · 03/10/2020 22:40


It’s a kind thought but I don’t think this is the right time for that gift.

Viviennemary · 03/10/2020 22:41

No I absolutely wouldn't give her this toy. It's far too big a risk.

gypsywater · 03/10/2020 22:45

No way in hell

TokyoSushi · 03/10/2020 22:47

Do NOT give her the toy! Give her some really lovely bath stuff and some chocolate.

Bourbonbiscuits20 · 03/10/2020 23:10

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think I would appreciate it. (I have miscarried before). I like the sentiment that that was her baby and should be remembered.
I see most others saying not to so I suppose more risky to give it, though you could give it with flowers.

Rainb0wDrops · 03/10/2020 23:18

Tough one, I can see how it might be upsetting. Not the same situation at all but a friend who had a stillborn full term baby told me she appreciated people still sending baby gifts. She wanted people to acknowledge her baby's existence. But with an earlier miscarriage it could be different.

Ontheboardwalk · 03/10/2020 23:19


frillseeking · 03/10/2020 23:27

I definitely wouldn't give it to her. To me, it would symbolise what should have been and be a horrible reminder, even if meant in the best possible way. I'd recommend a care package- chocolates, face mask, something alcoholic, maybe a candle, some magazines. People always say no flowers on MN as they die and symbolise loss but I always felt they marked the baby I had lost in a subtle and respectful way so I'd also suggest flowers or maybe a plant.

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