Friend and money

[Whatadoa]

Long term friend, pretty much always there if I need her and I’m there for her too.

I’ve always known that we had a wildly different perception of wealth and a different financial upbringing...a year into our friendship she said that her sister had married into a very very wealthy family as her brother in law’s parents owned a 300k house...this was said with a sense of awe and as it it was something that she could only have as a pipe dream. I know wealth is all relative but I remember thinking she must have very limited views of what she can attain if that is deemed out of reach to her. There’s been other things such as her saying that 40k was a huge amount to earn in a year and she’d say well obviously I will never earn that it’s just crazy money...there’s been lots of instances where she will pick out something that someone owns (for instance my sister has a smeg fridge) and she would go on and on about how this fridge must mean they are absolutely minted it’s all a bit strange and seems to have a superficial view of what having money actually means. Lots of people with fancy kettles and toasters aren’t rolling in it!!

I was brought up to believe money isn’t something you talk about...And now I wonder if this has caused an issue in our friendship. I never told her how much my house was worth and it only recently came to light when I sold it for 380k. Similarly, all the times she was amazed by people who earn 40k, I didn’t say anything and I guess implied I thought it unattainable, despite the fact I have been earning close to double that for a while now. Maybe she feels like I’ve lied to her but I wasn’t exactly going to start chatting about money when she never seems to have much of it.

When I sold my house recently she made comments like ‘I would have thought it was quite cheap where you are..’ and then when I sold it, she said she was surprised it had sold

When I bought a new car a few weeks ago, she came over and I was actually nervous about her seeing it that I nearly moved it off the drive. As predicted she said in a jokey way ‘are you having a mid life crisis..’

We are both 34 and have known each other since we were 21. I feel like we have always had a different perception of money but what is frustrating is that she goes from admin job to admin job and then complains that other people can afford things and she can’t. She has a masters degree and could be paid more if she tried. Don’t get me wrong...nothing wrong with an admin role but if you are going to complain about money then do something about it!! It’s never bothered me until recently and I have started to feel like she doesn’t want to share milestones in my life anyone, or if she does it is to put me down.

I was promoted last week at work and I feel embarrassed bringing it up - I know you don’t need to tell friends everything but the dynamics of our friendship seem to have changed since I’ve progressed with these things.

I don’t know what to make of it all and after many years of a lovely friendship, I feel like we are on such different pages and she seems to dislike people who are in my financial circumstance, yet she is on the surface friends with me. So often she will make comments about people who have a certain amount of income, in a really derogatory way, and it is becoming more and more awkward and I feel more and more defensive as I’ve worked for this, it’s not like I have sat back for the last 10 years doing nothing.

Has anyone else been in this situation and it resolved itself?

[tectonicplates]

what is frustrating is that she goes from admin job to admin job and then complains that other people can afford things and she can’t. She has a masters degree and could be paid more if she tried. Don’t get me wrong...nothing wrong with an admin role but if you are going to complain about money then do something about it!!

Once you've done admin for a few years, it's very difficult to get anything else. Employers put you in a box. However much of a career change CV you make, employers still phone you and say "Well we don't have such a job available in your chosen career, but we have an admin position for you if you're interested? We thought you might be good at it seeing as you've done it before". It's absolutely disheartening. I spent ages trying to make the career change and eventually gave up. You actually don't know what it's like seeing all your friends in these successful jobs that you've tried to get yourself but nope, no employers ever think you're good enough.

[Whatadoa]

Thanks tectonic I guess it is hard to know when you’ve not been in that position, I just see us both having been able to have applied for certain jobs back then and she chose not to. But I appreciate it isn’t as simple as that and I wasn’t aware it was difficult to get out of admin roles once you are in it. That must be frustrating.

[tectonicplates]

It's difficult to get out of practically any role once you're in it. I don't know if admin is a particularly strong one, maybe worse than others? No idea. But I do know that admin is something that a lot of people get into because they don't know what else to do. No matter what choices she made in the past, the consequences of those choices stick with you for life. The easiest career changes are ones for which there's a shortage of qualified staff, e.g. teachers, nurses and computer programmers. For everything else, you have to constantly prove yourself to people, constantly have to push the "transferrable skills" which everyone else already has, constantly battle against 22 year old graduates who'll work for free, constantly be told you're a great administrator but not good enough for anything else.

What exactly do you expect your friend to do? Unless she wants to become a yoga teacher or open a bakery, it's very difficult to have any motivation. I know a lot of people like you, OP, and none of them seem to get it.

On the other hand, I don't go around commenting on people's fridges and toasters! So I don't know what to say about that bit.

[Whatadoa]

Thanks but I think you are focusing on bits around the edges to my main point which is my friend’s comments and attitude towards me recently.

I get what you are saying but my speculation has only come about after she’s said these things and it’s started to make me feel irritated as I’ve worked hard

[Stompythedinosaur]

I'd keep your friendship the same and not talk about money tbh. Certainly don't attemot to offer career advise - its fair to assume if she is struggling to get a better job then theres a reason for that.

[LoveEatYoga]

Does she seem rude in the way she talks to you or jealous or just frustrated?

Could you confront these comments head and ask why it bothers her next time she says something

It might be hard to move from an admin role into other things but it's not impossible and I wonder whether she has tried

It doesn't matter if you have a different attitude to money but it does matter if it's making you uncomfortable

[NailsNeedDoing]

I wouldn’t want to be around someone who made derogatory comments about people she doesn’t know because of their income. Snobbery and snobbery in reverse are equally unappealing to have to listen to, it’s draining.

If you’re sure you want to be her friend then you’ll have to either put up with her comments or try to avoid them by tiptoeing around her, but if she can’t be supportive of you she isn’t a good friend. The fact that her income is lower than yours doesn’t make it ok for her to be derogatory.

[lifestooshort123]

I'd say to her, 'actually it make me uncomfortable to talk about money and how much things cost' and then change the subject. Blank every comment she makes about money and hopefully she'll get the hint. I agree with the poster who said her career choices are not your business unless she asks for advice.