Recovering mentally when something awful is finished?

[SinkGirl]

I know this sounds really stupid but I am in a really bad state emotionally and I wasn’t expecting to be and honestly don’t know what to do about it.

For the last 12 months we’ve been fighting the battle for EHCPs / specialist school placement for our twins. For the last 7 months, we’ve been in the tribunal process to get decent plans and the proper placement they need, as the one proposed would have been a disaster.

I’ve been completely consumed by this battle for the last 7 months, I have thought if nothing else other than trying to keep my twins safe and surviving lockdown. We couldn’t afford a solicitor so I had to study up if I had any chance against their barrister.

They spent the whole process lying, and just generally being a nightmare. They put us through a day and a half of hearings before they finally quit.

I should just be happy and relieved that it’s over which is what I thought I would feel if we were successful but I’m not - I’m just flitting between absolute rage and crying my eyes out about how absolutely awful this whole thing has been. There are no repercussions for them at all, they yet again just get away with wasting a ton of money and time and nothing at all happens other than their barrister getting a telling off from the judge.

I want to just be over it and move on but my brain is not having it. I don’t understand why I feel worse now than before when I should be relieved?

Is this “normal” after a really stressful experience? I’ve spent so long being stressed and angry and anxious and I just want to feel better now, and I should do, so why do I feel so awful?

Yes, it’s absolutely normal. Give yourself time to get used to not having to think about it all the time.
You won-there’s nothing more you need to do.

Can you either distract yourself but doing something nice or go the other way and just sleep?

It's definitely normal, almost like a post traumatic stress reaction. Time is the healer here and try not to allow yourself to get too bitter as it will eat you up.

That all sounds awful and I'm not surprised you need some more recovery time.

I don't know whether there is any actual recourse, but I have some practical suggestions for your own mental health but you might have other ideas.

1. write a letter to them saying EXACTLY what you want to say, and pour out all your feelings. Then stick it in a drawer for a month and think about whether you want to send it. I would recommend burning it ceremonially.

2. Think to yourself that you have been through something dreadful but emerged victorious. You need something to mark your victory. Buy yourself something special like a sword letter opener to remind yourself of how powerful you are.

3. Visualise as clearly as you can the meeting room with everyone in it. Then imagine things going perfectly in such a way that you can have peace. Like, imagine them all apologising, or seeing they got your files mixed and laughing, or a meteor crashing I to the room and destroying them all. Just use your imagination to help you process it.

These are just suggestions of course. You might think they sound mad. Best of luck with recovering, regardless.

I'm not surprised you feel rough - it sounds infuriating, even though you won.

I think looking forward is the only way - it would be easy to dwell on how much time and energy this has taken from you, so I'm sure it's hard to look ahead. Maybe just finding a phrase to come back to 'It's over' or 'That's in the past' when feelings about it start intruding. It may have to happen a lot at first, but then get easier and you won't need to do it.

Good luck with everything going forward

Thank you all for being so kind.

I think perhaps that’s part of the issue - we didn’t win so much as they quit, so the formal judgement doesn’t rip them to pieces as I suspect it would had they not quit. And although the judge made absolute mincemeat of the barrister and the LA witnesses which was quite satisfying, no one from the LA was there so they are all very insulated from it. The main appeals officer emailed me today to tell me how to arrange transport, as if nothing horrendous has happened and I quite wanted to send a not too pleasant reply but there’s no point.

I’m sure when they’ve started and it sinks in I will feel better. I will certainly try those things in the meantime :)

It is normal to be traumatised after traumatic experiences. Be kind to yourself and let yourself have yime to process what you have been through.

I'm echoing those posters saying that you are traumatised. It's abhorrent the system forces parents into these literal "battles" for services.

Thanks all. I suppose you are right and is traumatic in its own way. We are lucky that the boys are so young and have never had the trauma of a failed placement, and if this school works for them they can stay there until they leave school so I am hoping we never have to go through this again. I have been through objectively worse things and have never felt like this - I guess it’s the longterm nature of it and the fact it has consumed my life.

We are going to visit the school tomorrow so I’m hoping that this will help a lot :)

You could make copies of the judgement and send copies to the school, your MP, and so on. That might be satisfying. But obviously I don't know how much info might need to be redacted.