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Please help me to understand what is upsetting my toddler?

23 replies

NeonNerds · 28/09/2020 13:40

She is 2 and a half and like many toddlers does get extremely upset over such things as putting sauce on wrong side of her plate, picking up the wrong stone etc etc but generally the reason is easy to identify (if not to comprehend 😂)

In the last week or so though she has become suddenly extremely distressed when I can't identify any cause like that at all. For example one morning we were happily chatting about what she wanted for breakfast, and I was saying she could have it, and we were about to go down the stairs. I asked if she wanted to hold my hand, she said yes and we walked down two stairs still chatting when she suddenly screamed no and rushed back upstairs and wouldn't come down. Absolutely hysterical, running round in circles like she didn't know what to do with herself. I asked things like if she'd like to come downstairs and she would nod and then go to and then get extremely upset again and tell me to go away. Same for offering Peppa on my phone, snacks even. I wondered if it was maybe low blood sugar and she couldn't explain how she was feeling and eventually got a snack near her mouth and then she accepted it, ate it all and calmed down.

The next two times though I'm sure food wasn't a factor at all. We were for example out at a play park she really enjoys, had just got out the car and were on her way there and she was chatting about where she wanted to go first, and then suddenly got very upset again, I couldn't carry her because she was kicking, struggled to get her in the pushchair etc. It carried on on our way in while I tried everything to help her. She'd point to what she wanted to do like swings and I'd help her in but she'd still be hysterical until after about twenty minutes she calmed down and stopped sobbing and then seemed happy to play again. I really don't know what triggered it or what helped her come out of it.

It's happened about three times in total and when I asked her if she could tell me why she was upset she said each time "because mummy" and when I asked what about mummy upset her she said "because of the tiger". I can't think of anything we read or watch that involves tigers really, we haven't been to any zoos, but I do remember for a while if she felt afraid of something like different people she'd describe it as being frightened of "the tiger" so maybe it's the only way she can convey how she feels.

She's always been very attached to me although she loves her dad too and I would say in last few days is responding more to him so perhaps a phase. She sees one set of grandparents now since lockdown and really enjoys seeing them too.

I'm not a shouty mum or anything and she is generally quite an easy, happy toddler so we've not had any especially difficult moments lately, she often comes into my bed etc and is very cuddly. I love her so much and hate seeing her so distressed when I don't know the cause! (Cutting up the roast in the wrong way or whatever at least I know what's wrong and can help her through it)

The only thing I can think of is I'm due DC2 soon and she may have picked up on conversations about hospital etc, could that be it?

OP posts:
NeonNerds · 28/09/2020 13:42

Also have asked her if anything hurts and she says no. She is the first to announce it if anything does hurt so I'm sure it's not that although I suppose if she felt unwell she may find that harder to describe?

OP posts:
NeonNerds · 28/09/2020 13:43

Meant cutting up the toast! But I'm sure the same could happen with a roast!

OP posts:
SerenityNowwwww · 28/09/2020 13:43

How’s her communication skills. Also a new baby on the way!

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NeonNerds · 28/09/2020 13:45

Generally I'd say they are fairly good, about normal for her age. We almost always understand what she's communicating. She says sentences like "I had enough banana now, mummy have the rest" for example

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 28/09/2020 13:48

Have you changed anything about your appearance - new hair, different make up? Baby bump showing?

Maybe she is scared you aren't really you but it only catches her by surprise suddenly every now and again.

NeonNerds · 28/09/2020 13:50

Good ideas but no nothing like that. Baby bump is showing but it has been for months.

I can't think of anything traumatic that's happened recently, like her tripping over holding my hand or anything like that. She did have a distressing hospital experience recently but DH took her and not me (I couldn't as pregnant and not allowed into that area) Could it be that I wasn't there? But I don't know what would make her suddenly think of it

OP posts:
Sunnydaysstillhere · 28/09/2020 13:51

Is she starting to make her own choices? Sometimes ds got upset he had opted for one choice then got upset he hadn't chosen the other option.. Coat/snack /film /etc..

Ozgirl75 · 28/09/2020 13:54

I do remember a trying time with my son, I would say “would you like a drink of water” “no” “ok, no worries” “screeeeeeeaaaAaammmm WATER”

And I came to the conclusion that they were just so fucked up at that age, they don’t know what the hell they want.

NeonNerds · 28/09/2020 13:55

Maybe it's what the last two pps have described! A new phase to enjoy. Perhaps all the options are so good that it's hard to choose

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 28/09/2020 13:56

I think she is very anxious as she knows about the baby and probably has all sorts of unconscious worries about being abandoned or pushed out.

It's stressful for toddlers but also ordinary - you can help her with it by being calm when she's having a wobble and letting her feelings wash around you without getting too stressed yourself. That way she will realise her big feelings are manageable because she sees that you can manage them x

thistimelastweek · 28/09/2020 13:57

Is it an independence thing? She wants to do things without help? Right up until she does want help that is.

Gigglr · 28/09/2020 14:00

She might be overwhelmed my the options. I'd start offering less choice and see if that helps.

NeverTalksToStrangers · 28/09/2020 14:01

My 8yo niece has epilepsy (thankfully seems to be getting better now) and her episodes when younger were similar in that she would suddenly get very upset etc. Possibly similar?

Spreadingcomfrey · 28/09/2020 14:02

I'm definitely no expert at all (only have an 'only' dd) but there were definite times when:

(a) her imagination and wishes outstripped her manual and physical ability to do things which led to frustration (maybe she wanted to go downstairs by herself but knew she couldn't quite manage that yet so retreated)

(b) I perhaps overdid the "do you want X or y now", "shall we go and see the ducks?", "would you like some fish fingers for tea?" . I wanted to involve her in decision-making but I'm sure at times it was annoying to her when too many things were negotiated, with the result of frustration arising out of tedium? When that happened I knew she was ready for the next stage/a more mature approach?

(c) there is a time in early years development when DC realise they are their own person, separate from you, and that leads to them asserting themselves and their own identity, but equally that process can be scary? Maybe that's been exacerbated by the impending birth of your next child?

Don't know if any of those apply op but you sound like a lovely mum who has a great relationship with your toddler, so I am sure you will eventually work out how to handle things. Sometimes you just need to "be there" and trust in your close relationship and not not intervene too much and (within reason) give them space to work through it themselves with a few "nudges" here and there. I agree with pp about remaining calm and "modelling" how to handle unsettling feelings etc.

BertieBotts · 28/09/2020 14:08

Have you talked her through her hospital experience? That can help them process it even if it didn't seem to bother them that much at the time.

Spreadingcomfrey · 28/09/2020 14:08

Forgot the most important bit! Before a development "surge" there is often a period just before when things are unsettled. It's like a signal that they are ready to move on, which often only makes sense in hindsight.

Hardbackwriter · 28/09/2020 14:13

How is she sleeping at the moment? Is she generally under the weather at all? I only ask because DS (2y3m) has had a big eczema flare-up in the last few days and the discomfort and the disruption to his sleep (he keeps waking up itchy) has turned him from a normal toddler level of irrational to completely unpredictable - and he gets upset rather than angry when he has one of these sudden changes of mood, which I find much harder. He was quite similar when he had an ear infection, and obviously there were fewer outward signs of that than there are for eczema. Might be completely irrelevant but since you describe it as a sudden and short-term thing it might be worth thinking about if there's anything physical that she isn't able to communicate to you.

NeonNerds · 28/09/2020 14:21

Thanks for all these replies!

I'm trying to think back to the choice thing now. I think I only offered one or two breakfast things or maybe she just announced what she was having but either way she seemed to want it! I realise however as has been pointed out that doesn't always mean she does 😂 I will keep that it mind

She's been sleeping about normal and as far as I know not under the weather but I wondered too. She really really struggled with an ear infection last winter but it was really clear what was wrong. Did also cross my mind about things like epilepsy as it just seems so sudden and out of character but I know it's far far far more likely to be a toddler development matter

I'm just a bit baffled about the tiger but that's probably a red herring as we know she refers to it when she hasn't the words to communicate the real issue

We did talk through the hospital bit and that it was scary etc but nothing hurt and she sort of relives it cheerfully like "I not like that, I went ahhhh" and does an impression of herself crying

We do have a few hospital visits for her from time to time and I'm worried about that somehow being conflated with the baby and that she may have heard I am going to hospital to have the baby etc

OP posts:
Dramalady52 · 28/09/2020 14:37

The tiger might be something misheard and built up in a toddler mind as scary. There's a story of a little boy being terrified of going to his granny's because of the nasty giraffe, turned out granny had spoken about a nasty draught coming from the door, child misheard/didn't know about draughts and was in fear of the animal that might attack him!

CoronaBollox · 28/09/2020 15:12

I was going to ask does she poo regularly as my DD same age is going through a stage at the moment of holding in her poo and not wanting to go to the toilet, screaming crying saying No. Then making up silly reasons (the toilet has water inHmm)

But if she keeps mentioning this tiger then maybe it is something that is scaring her. Toddlers are useless when it comes to explaining things so I feel your pain.

NeonNerds · 28/09/2020 15:21

She does poo regularly although I have some concerns about her bowel movements

Had a thought! I think in these scenarios she knows I hold her hand to keep her safe (down the stairs, in the play park car park etc). Does she think it's because there's a tiger coming that she needs protection from?!

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DeciduousPerennial · 29/09/2020 13:09

With both of mine we went through a delightful phase at about this age where they had almighty tantrums when we allowed them to have exactly what they’d asked for.

Such fun.

E.g.
“I want green cup”

“Ok, no problem, here you go”

Tantrum. While we looked on in bemusement.

This phase is common with toddlers. Is it that?

ScarMatty · 29/09/2020 13:52

And I came to the conclusion that they were just so fucked up at that age, they don’t know what the hell they want.

This.

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