‘you will never find someone who matches your income now at your age’

[whattapott]

Last night I went out with a friend for a belated 35th dinner.

I’ve been single a year and she knows I would love to settle down. I told her about a recent date who had lied about his job in texts and it turned out he works part time in a bar. To be clear I have no judgement about whatever job someone chooses to do but I am not ashamed to say that I would like someone to match my income roughly so we can share a similar lifestyle. I don’t earn loads, 60k.

What has upset me more is that the suggestion was that there would be no professional men or ambitious men still available now and I should just settle.

I didn’t think of myself as THAT old until this conversation. Is this true? I was in a long term relationship up until a year ago so dating is new to me in general.

With my London perspective you aren't old or exceptionally super well paid.. if you live in other countries where the culture is different or there is poverty/small town then yes maybe for there.. it's all relative to your circle.

She might be true. Who knows until you get out there and date more. But personally why does it matter compared to other factors such as compatibility, desire for a family etc. I mean a teacher might only earn £30k so you are discounting a significant proportion of the professional workout population.

I say this kindly, if you want to marry and have Dc - you need to focus on getting that ASAP as at 35, you are getting into a smaller and smaller group of men (unless you want to be wife no 2 with lots of SC). Now, I know many people will come on and say I am lying but I say this from experience. My friends and family - those who focused on getting a proper LTR in their 30's did achieve it. Those who waited for Mr. Perfect and concentrated on their career are now single in mid 40's. So I am only saying this to you from my personal experience, if you want to marry and have DC - you need to take this seriously right now, as you do not have time on your side.

However, there are still lots of other types of relationships so if you are not looking for the marriage plus DC, do not worry - you have loads of time (except if you want a man with no DC - my friend in her 40's has only been able to find me who already have DC and she does not want to be a step mum, especially as she has never been a mum). Again, not everyone feels like this. So decide what is key for you, and look for that.

Your friend really believes no men exist than earn the same or out earn your 60k wage really?? 🤣

Your 35 hardly dead and buried ffs.

Also you don’t have to be with someone earning the same, Love doesn’t go on someone’s earning does it well not real love anyway. Some one earning less doesn’t mean they are lazy or anything. Take for example a paramedic does an amazing job for shit pay, they still have a degree and work fucking hard. However if you want lifestyle over Love well that’s a different matter...

There is a chasm between part time bar work and £60K. The higher up the totem pole of finance you put your mark, the fewer men will make it.
Someone with £40k and no kids will have a more similar lifestyle to you than someone on £70K with a contact schedule and three lots of school fees to pay.

Ruling out bullshitters at the first opportunity strikes me as wise.

Do you actually want a husband and a family?If so you need to get a wiggle on. Mother Nature doesn't wait around, unfortunately.

If children aren't part of the plan, then take your time, don't date indiscriminately, but on the other hand, don't reject someone simply because he is on a lower income - he could be absolutely perfect for you.

You earn well above the national average wage, and you have achieved that at a relatively young age. You will find lots of single men are earning less than you, and that may be a problem for you. It was/is for me and I am older. I refuse to date anyone now who earns significantly less than me, or is in a completely different situation capital/ assets wise. I have made this rule through experience of the conflict arising from dating men who earn less, and who expect me to pick up the tab. At 35, you still have a good few years left for babies...and you could look into sperm donors etc. Don't let your friend sway your views on this, or settle for less than you deserve. Having children with the wrong man causes a whole new layer of stress to life, so it is best to wait it out to find a man worth it.

@scoobydoo1971 a sperm donor is not exactly going to bring much to a relationship in the way of financial or emotional support. A caring man in a minimum wage job would be worth a thousand sperm donors imho.

I know a few women in their 30s who have married minimum wage earners when they are high earning (£100k +).

Typically the spouse then gives up work and does all childcare-sometimes with a a few side shifts at their old job- cheaper than a nanny by far. Don't rule it out. You will need a minus of 11 years of childcare for 1 child.

no professional men or ambitious men still available now and I should just settle.

You do know that this is bollocks, right?

Is your friend one of those women who settled down young and now delights in telling other women that all the good ones have been snapped up and you’ll have to drop your standards blah blah? I knew a few of them. I soon worked out that they were envious and didn’t want me to be too happy.

Whilst it’s correct that the pool of single no baggage men does diminish as you get older, lots of them come on to the market again following divorces or the end of relationships. I was single and on the lookout at your age (I’m now 49 and married) and found that there was no shortage.

There’s a difference between being an idealist who will only settle for Prince Charming and somebody who doesn’t want to settle for eg a man who lies about his job.

@Leimarel

Do you actually want a husband and a family?If so you need to get a wiggle on. Mother Nature doesn't wait around, unfortunately.

If children aren't part of the plan, then take your time, don't date indiscriminately, but on the other hand, don't reject someone simply because he is on a lower income - he could be absolutely perfect for you.

One of my colleagues married an Ocado delivery driver- and another a fitness coach.

Both women were high earners. Both men are really nice and fabulous dads.

Entirely depends on where you are looking. I dont think its unreasonable to think you'd find a 30+ single male earning in excess of £60k if you were looking around your place work (im presuming your salary isn't unusual at your place of work, and that you don't work in a female-dominated industry). Im a barrister and there are loads of single men at the Bar earning a decent income. Of course most work ridiculous hours and struggle to keep a social life and are married to the job. But they are there.

It depends on where you live. If you are in an area where a good amount of people have similar earnings, your likelihood of finding someone is higher, but if you don’t, the chances are much smaller.

Another thing to consider is that at your age it is likely the men you could meet are divorced or have children from a previous relationship so even if you find someone who earns about the same as you, it is very likely that he won’t have as much disposable income as you do because part of his is now committed to child/spousal maintenance and that his lifestyle is still somewhat “basic” if he is starting again after a costly divorce.

I think you are young at 35, but I do also think you need to adjust your expectations as you age as the older you are there are less people available. Just see it as it is, the older you are, the more likely that it is that Mr Absolutely Perfect is already taken.

You are getting a smaller pool to fish from and I agree with Annasgirl hindsight is a wonderful thing, I’m in my fifties now and that’s pretty much what happened amongst my friends. Some were a bit hasty and are now divorced but they got what they ultimately wanted and that was children. I would say they wanted dc more than the man and it did cloud judgement, their words not mine. I had five years between 30 and 35 where I went to multiple weddings every year. Average wage in UK is 29k. Just look for someone who is a hard worker. Two of my friends did end up living with cocklodgers, it wasn’t so much the disparity in income it was the men’s attitude.

Well, to me £60k is a high earner. I earn £30k as does DH and the majority of our friendship circles. We're in our late 20s/early 30s.
So from my POV, i wouldn't even know where to start looking for a man who earned over £60k.
Tbh, you should probably just look for the right person and not their wage.

I don’t think you should focus on wage when choosing a partner, that’s not to say it’s not important to have similar lifestyles, but ruling a partner out unless he earns more than double the average wage may be reducing your chances of meeting someone you could be head over heels for, especially as you’re getting closer to 40. I’m sure there are plenty of ambitious hardworking professional men in their 30’s who earn 30-40k, yes money is important, but you will be fishing in a very very small pool if you limit yourself to men earning the same as you, and you could have a wonderful life with someone who earns half that imo.

She isn’t looking purely on the basis of salary though. She has stated a preference: somebody who earns similarly to her and has a similar lifestyle. Which is not unreasonable. I knew the thread would go this way.

Well £60k is loads.

But you can hold out for whatever you like. I’m sure there are available men out there with similar incomes to you. However, someone who does bar work might do it because they enjoy it and yet has a mortgage free comfortable lifestyle through inheritance or previously high income (this could have been me - I’m now actually disabled so can’t work at all but just putting the scenario out there) so I wouldn’t discount someone based on job etc. You just don’t know.

I think it’s pretty shallow to have a criteria based on £ alone.

Wouldn’t it be better to look for someone that has the same interests as you. You say you want someone with a similar lifestyle, a lot of that is affected more by interests more than salary!

I said something similar to what your friend said to you, to a friend of mine years ago. It followed years of dates where there was always something wrong with the person she met. Followed by agonising about how she’d love to settle down /have children. She wasn’t happy with what I said and reacted very spikily saying that she didn’t want to sell herself short.

She’s now in a long term relationship with someone and they have DC. He earns less than her and doesn’t own his own house, is divorced with children - all criteria that were on her ‘rule them out’ list. She’s very very happy. She admitted that when she got to a certain age she stopped looking for ‘mr right’ and started spending time with people because she wanted to, and that’s when she fell for him.

There’s a big difference between settling for someone you’re not that bothered about, and dropping your tick box criteria on what you think makes a good partner.

Yeah...he might not have the same ability to spend money and contribute to a family home though, breeding resentment slowly and steadily...different incomes means either accepting that one partner will spend their life paying for the other, or get a sperm donor and feel confident that someone nice may come along one day who matches your aspirations etc and accepts any child already in existence.

Only around 5% of people earn £70k+.

I don't know the numbers for £60k, but it seems likely that if you want someone earning at least that much, you're limiting yourself to around 10% of potential dates. It's all a matter of priorities, and only you know the answer.

I don’t earn loads, 60k I do find the more a person earn the more they believe it is normal. 60k is well above average.

My issue would be the lying. Look for someone with a career/income but don’t stress about how much. Most couples have a higher earner. Dh and I earn within 5k of each other and that seems unusual in our friendship group.