Senior career and third child

[NCcareerorbaby]

NCed but have been around for years (so much so that other MNers know me, thus the NC).

DH and I are thinking about a third. We have DS 3y6mo and DD 1y6mo. They are gorgeous little creatures but I feel like our family isn’t yet complete.

BUT. Both DH and I have quite full on senior careers - him in professional services, me in company management (C suite of a big international company). I am vaguely worried that a third will tip us over the edge. We already have the nanny in place, cleaner etc but now we have come through the baby stage with DD life is looking very neat and tidy and I am wondering if we are just unnecessarily upsetting the apple cart. I am 39 and therefore would like to either go for it or not soon - no ability to wait and have a larger age gap.

We’d also have to do some work on our house which we built anticipating we’d have 2 children, but we can afford it and I am assuming we can do it at some point in the next 5 years and kids can share before then so not so worried about that.

Would love to hear from MNers who have been in similar positions - did you go for it? If you did, how did it work out for you?

I would for sure! You already have a nanny so (as long as they are happy to have a third in the mix) why not? You sound like you can afford it.

I have three and I would have felt very incomplete to stop at 2.

I guess I’m just nervous about the impact of another mat leave and 1-2 years of sleeplessness on the whole shebang.

I have 3. DH and I both have senior full on careers. We spend a large amount of money on help (Nanny, cleaner, gardener (and we don’t have a big garden)).

I feel we are complete as a family and I didn’t after no 2.

Life would probably be easier with 2. 1/3 less running round at weekend. We’d have more money, but we aren’t bothered about expensive holidays. A lot of activities etc are made for 4 so that can be a pain.

Well that’s reassuring. How did you find the transition from 2 to 3? Do you feel very pulled in both directions between home and work or have you sort of found an equilibrium?

@NCcareerorbaby 2-3 was fine. 3 just fitted in. My first was a nightmare baby (cried all the time) so frankly after surviving that it was fine.

I definitely have found an equilibrium now - mine are all at school now, which is a definite milestone.

I tried part time after 1 and it was awful. I was still working full time, but for less money and all my evenings and weekends.

I have my red lines. So for me I don’t want to miss plays/assemblies etc. So I don’t. However I regularly work on a Sunday, but I don’t mind that (and normal for my line of work).

Personally I found 2-3 much more difficult than 1-2

Oops I actually meant the other way round. 1-2 much more difficult 😆

@autumnkate me too.

just me then

I must have had my DC at a similar age to you, and at 39 wondered about a third.

I didn’t, because DH didn’t really want more, and I was put off by £1,000 a month more nursery fees.

I’m now 46 and I’m glad I didn’t. I think when the DC were toddlers it’s hard work but you expect it to be hard work. I didn’t expect it to carry on being such hard work, although it’s more mentally than physically challenging now. Mostly it’s managing their behaviour, getting them to bed, getting them to do some school work, tidying up the mess (although at least we aren’t knee deep in toys any more!).

Also I left my soul destroying job and got a full time less-money but far more enjoyable one, and I’d not have been able to do that if I was still paying for nursery for a third.

You see I don’t really have the financial constraint (we aren’t on the Times Rich List or anything but we both earn very well, have savings etc) - a third doesn’t impact our finances in any meaningful way.

Which is why I’m left with this vague sense it must make things more complicated in some way! @GreenGoldRed our first was also a nightmare baby and second easy as pie...so am worried about rolling that dice on no 3!

I was in this situation a few years back and decided to stick on two. I am pleased I did as I think they need more of your time and attention as they get older, not less.
I soon lost that pull towards a third and I think my existing two have benefitted from the attention I have been able to pay them, which I feel I might not have been able to with a third child in the family.

@NCcareerorbaby my second was also as easy as anything. Third was more like a normal baby, but just had to go with the flow.

It’s such a difficult question, because there is no wrong or right answer. I had similar feelings when my third was about 1, should we have a fourth? I’m glad I didn’t go for number 4. Time and money. I feel each child gets enough of my attention - I think 4th would have tipped that. Mine are Also at private school and fourth probably would have meant we couldn’t have done that (or not all the way through).

If money isn’t a problem I would go for it.

I wanted three and stopped at two. Now they are teens I am glad we did.
They’re not terrible teens by any stretch of the imagination but teens are so much more challenging emotionally than younger children in my experience. They need lots more talking time and I feel I have to be present more, as they are up later and have more complicated issues to discuss. Two teens is enough for me but others might disagree!!

@GreenGoldRed that’s reassuring that you think you can give them enough time and attention etc. I think that’s my real concern - as we come out of the baby phase with my daughter it all feels very manageable and I wonder if we’d be crazy to mess that up. Also DH and I are both from large families so having 2 just feels so neat! But perhaps that’s good!

You want a third and you'll probably go for it.

I think yes definitely go for it but then I have three so I'm biased. Our youngest is a joy to us.

I’m not as senior as you are (I’m upper middle management, in a company with ~2000 employees - household name, you’ve heard of us). DH is a high earner, between us we are very comfortable.

3 is the question we are trying to answer, but I think we are done. My youngest has just gone to school. I don’t think I can handle going right back to the beginning (pregnancy), and I don’t fancy the additional cost (even though it’s easily affordable). But like you, I think this is probably my last chance. And my heart aches for another squishy bundle. I don’t think there is enough of me to go round though so I think we will stick at two.

@Flamingolingo see I am put off by the thought of another squishy bundle - it’s the post baby growing up bit I am liking right now. Tbh one of the biggest drawbacks is being preg again and having a newborn - am not that enamoured.

My first child was a nightmare baby, never slept, screamed incessantly, but is quite a cool (if demanding) 6yo. My second child was an absolute peach in every way (but more challenging as a 4yo). Given the option of spending a year contentedly feeding him and watching crap TV I probably would. But the nappies and the sick and the nursery chaos and the working with no sleep? Not so much!

The baby stage lasts for a second... when you imagine your family in ten years, twenty years, is 2 the right number?

Similar two career couple here, no money issues. Three kids in quick succession. Third is lovely and delicious, very glad we did it. BUT I look at all my friends with two and it just is easier and simpler and I think they are less frazzled. I think I would be able to put in more time with each if I only have two (time is always a constraint in our lives...). So it might be better for them - but I am glad of my sweet third.

I stopped being broody or having regrets when DH’s niece started her family, it felt like it was time for the next generation. I’d have been 42 then. So I probably had 3 or 4 years of vaguely thinking about it. If I’d had an ‘accident’ in that time I’d have been secretly pleased. If I had an ‘accident’ now I think I’d be horrified and DH even more so.

@Lindtnotlint see that is what I’m contemplating. Shouldn’t I just make life easier by stopping at 2?!

I have three, but second pregnancy was twins so went from 1-3. Whilst I wouldn’t change them for the world I often look at friends with two and everything about their life is easier. Meeting the emotional needs of three teenagers is, at times, overwhelming not to mention the practical logistics of three teens wanting/needing to be in three different locations simultaneously. The mental load of three - three teachers to get to know, three groups of friends, three different activities/clubs on any given evening after school then three different sets of homework...can you tell it’s been a stressful weekend meeting the needs of three teens?!?! Sorry, frazzled rant over, I understand the ‘two seems too neat’, but hotel rooms/cars/holidays are all designed for four for a reason!