Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I really want another baby

21 replies

RubyAberdeen · 23/09/2020 00:49

I have two lovely girls (6 and 3). I want a third. DH does not. Can’t face the baby stage again, feels life is starting to get easier etc etc. He’s not wrong but the urge is very strong.

Don’t really know what advice I’m looking for to be honest. It’s just upsetting.

OP posts:
Nicknamegoeshere · 23/09/2020 00:59

@RubyAberdeen I felt like that after my second but husband at the time said absolutely no way. He was adamant. I was disappointed he had unilaterally made that decision and it did cause (additional) issues in our marriage. Our sex iife ceased, he refused to take any responsibility for contraception.

Does your husband give you valid reasons as to why?

I can't comment on starting the baby stage again as I type with my three month old daughter next to me - my boys are...ahem...10 and 13!!

I didn't think I'd have any more when I finally left my ex-husband but then I met a man (my now fiancé) who had always wanted children of his own and here we are. I am thrilled she is here and so pleased we made that choice.

Original poster
RubyAberdeen · 23/09/2020 01:03

Our marriage is generally pretty good. But he doesn’t want this. He’s a great dad to our girls. But it’s been rough - the baby stage is hard, we have recently taken on a massive mortgage because nursery fees have dropped, and he’s right - life is easier right now. We are happy and balanced and settled.

But god, the thought of having a newborn again. It breaks my heart to think I won’t ever have that again. He says that’s not a reason- it’s such a short stage - but it’s more than that. I feel like we’re not finished.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyAberdeen · 23/09/2020 01:04

It bothers me that it’s unilateral. But at the same time it’s not right to do this if he’s not on board.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
bottomdrawer · 23/09/2020 01:04

I'm sorry to say this but your DH does not so your answer is very conclusive. If you were to have any more children, he would possibly resent you and the baby.

If you are desperate for a third child, and DH isn't, it would be best if you start a new relationship with someone who does because this is something so big there is no negotiation.

Original poster
RubyAberdeen · 23/09/2020 01:07

I’m not going to do that. My girls are so happy and have a lovely life. We have a happy marriage. I’m not going to split our family over this. It’s just hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyAberdeen · 23/09/2020 01:25

I mean he loves his girls. Loves them. He loves babies. Did his share of the night feeds. Changed nappies. His whole life is those girls.

Why wouldn’t he want another?

OP posts:
mylittlesandwich · 23/09/2020 01:45

I love my son. He's just the best person in the world. He's so cute and cheeky. He's only 10 months so there's so much more for us to do together. I've happily changed nappies. Made bottles at 3am etc. I however don't want any more children. You can love the one(s) you have and still not want any more.

Nicknamegoeshere · 23/09/2020 01:46

@RubyAberdeen Do finances come into it for him if you've just taken on a massive mortgage? Are you both working?

I would ask him to discuss with you the reasons as to why its a no.

My ex-husband refused to do this; he simply said because no was no. I resented this.

Nicknamegoeshere · 23/09/2020 01:49

PS. Now at 39 (fiancé is 44) and with three kids from 3 months - 13 years I'm definitely done!!

Original poster
RubyAberdeen · 23/09/2020 01:50

We are both working. We could stretch to the childcare but it would be that - a stretch. However the way I see it, nursery fees in the grand scheme of things are for such a limited time. One of his reasons is that he can’t face going back to being skint

OP posts:
Nicknamegoeshere · 23/09/2020 02:00

@RubyAberdeen Well fiancé and I have always been pretty skint so won't know much different! I guess it might be harder if you're now in a comfortable position financially and having another meant this changes again?

For us it's about the fact that we can get by and that having a baby was more important to us than, say, nice holidays.

I will be having to return to work when she is nine months but the plan is only part-time (I was full-time from when i left my ex up until I had her).

So no we will never be "well off" but the kids won't go without by any stretch.

Are there any other reasons he gives asides from financial ones?

For us also age was a factor as I was heading towards 40 so not years of fertility ahead sadly.

Treesofwood · 23/09/2020 07:29

Is your desire hormone driven? This does go eventually.

NoSauce · 23/09/2020 09:33

But god, the thought of having a newborn again

This is such a short lived stage. 4 weeks tops. I agree with your husband unfortunately.

AriesTheRam · 23/09/2020 09:36

I got a puppy Smile I felt broody but I knew that I had it good.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 23/09/2020 09:38

So he's stepping up and getting the snip then? And using condoms every time you have sex? Men who decide this (and women) need to be responsible for birth control.

ComicePear · 23/09/2020 09:40

I have three DC, but I really wanted another baby after DC3 and DH said no. The broodiness does pass OP (at least it did for me). These days I'm very thankful that my DH put his foot down and would be horrified by a positive pregnancy test!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/09/2020 09:41

The newborn stage is so short, what happens when it’s gone again and you want a fourth, fifth etc.

I agree with him. It would be madness to add financial pressure during the current climate and I don’t get why anyone would TTC during a pandemic anyway.

Stradivari · 23/09/2020 09:46

I agree with PP. Your DH doesn’t want anymore, he has given his reasons to you being that he feels his life is on track. You want another because you feel your life is incomplete. You are at an impasse. Your choice is to concede that your family is complete, or to break your family up to have your third child. Perhaps some general counselling will help you reconcile your position? For what it’s worth, I have one child and my DH wants a second. I am not so keen/ambivalent about the idea. I would be more keen if I could skip the pregnancy and first year of the baby’s life, that’s how much I disliked the newborn stage.

aSofaNearYou · 23/09/2020 09:55

*I mean he loves his girls. Loves them. He loves babies. Did his share of the night feeds. Changed nappies. His whole life is those girls.

Why wouldn’t he want another?*

I think you need to reframe your thinking, and understand that the desire to not have another child is just as strong as the desire to have one. Wanting one isn't always a stronger feeling. You seem to be thinking about it is though your feelings must be the strongest and not wanting a child is just passive disinterest, but if you think about the impact having a child has on your life (without the warm and fuzzy feeling of really really wanting one), why would anyone be passive about that?

The thought of starting again after six odd years, when you're not into the idea, is frankly mortifying. It's like you're resigning yourself to at least another five years of being exhausted, stressed, poor, and never having a second in your own head space. I love my daughter but I couldn't do that.

StylishMummy · 23/09/2020 10:12

I'm in the same boat but further complicated by my pregnancies being extremely risky. We're sticking at 2 and getting a pair of kittens instead. Then I have something for continuous love and cuddles and the kids are old enough to respect them. DH has agreed to consider fostering children when ours fly the nest, we felt this was the best compromise

pinkpetal2 · 23/09/2020 14:38

My husband was like this adamant no more. I started watching one born every minute one night and he started coming round to the idea of a third. I was shocked as he was so hell bent against it, I'd actually stopped asking him about it. We now have a 9 month old again.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread