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Three years after divorce - where are we?

14 replies

ADelicateFlower · 22/09/2020 18:02

I had some help on here a few years ago when I divorced my exH for 'strategic incompetence'. I had some support from people at the time.

Was just wondering where we all are? Are you in a relationship now? How do you get on with your ex? How are your DCs getting on?
(Whispers - big question: Do you have any regrets?)

OP posts:
FourDecades · 22/09/2020 18:23

Separated in 2017 as he'd met OW divorced following year as went through the Courts.

No new relationship for me. Not even looking or want one.

Get on well with XH and we co-parent well. OW is actually very pleasant as well.

DC went through some sticky moments but seem to be fine - 17yrs and 13yrs

ADelicateFlower · 22/09/2020 18:44

Sounds like you’re doing really well, @FourDecades! My DCs are the same age. I’m glad you are co-parenting ok, too.

How are you getting by, by yourself? Is life ok? I contemplate this...

OP posts:
FourDecades · 22/09/2020 19:29

I have really enjoyed being single ...although l was really single for years as our marriage had been over for a long time....hence why l wasn't too devastated by the split!

Life is good. DC went to XH EOW and nearly half of holidays which meant l got more time off then l ever have done.

I felt l just existed previously, whereas now l feel like I'm living again

..... or at least did, until Covid-19 put a stop to my social life 🙄 😒

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Backboneneeded · 22/09/2020 19:57

I long to be where you all are...just wish I could fast forward the decision, the split and the divorce!

ADelicateFlower · 23/09/2020 09:17

Thank you, FourDecades Your life sounds good! I know what you mean about feeling just like you existed before. Time to grab life by the horns!

Backbone I remember feeling like this, willing life to move on. Not long, hopefully, for you...

Thank you both for replying to my thread.

OP posts:
user1493423934 · 23/09/2020 14:41

Split from ex September 2017, have had two short relationships since (Not serious enough to introduce to DC, but still fun and don't regret them). Get on OK with ex but not really friends. Have had a few up and down times with DC but co parent alright.
I'm a lot happier (well I was til I was made redundant during covid!) have made some great friends, not really looking for a relationship, focusing more getting a job and DC's.

cuddlymunchkin · 23/09/2020 14:52

Four years on for me. I had a relationship which was definitely a rebound, me seeing if I was still attractive and also being scared of doing life all by myself. I had some time on my own which was good as I built up my confidence and I met my current man in January this year. We're not living together or anything but have plans to do so next year.

I don't regret instigating the divorce, the problems were not going to go away and I simply wasn't happy.

How about you Flowers? The fact you ask about regrets suggests you have some?

cuddlymunchkin · 23/09/2020 14:54

Just noticed the two other questions... I get in with the ex fine, just communicating re dc no other contact. Dc have adjusted really well, early teens.

cuddlymunchkin · 25/09/2020 13:40

Delicate flower? Not going to respond?

ADelicateFlower · 28/09/2020 10:29

Just coming back to this thread @cuddlymunchkin sorry to delay my reply, I forgot I had asked this! Smile

I see you are a little bit ahead still. I expect many of us have rebound relationships. Very cool to have a bit of time alone. Great you have current man. Interested to know how your move goes next year, sounds exciting!

How about you Flowers? The fact you ask about regrets suggests you have some?

I'm not sure... Like you, the problems we had were never going to go away. He told me at the time that they were not enough for divorce, but I could see ahead in a different way.

Current partner makes me happy but creates a different sort of anxiety. I'm wondering whether I am doomed to never be 100% happy in a relationship - just 80% ish.

Things I miss from my marriage:
Big house in beautiful area
Emotional "balance". Not necessarily stability, but more like a sort of indifference.
Same level of old-fashionedness about marriage.
Commitment to family (i.e. our children) by ex.

Things I like about new life:
Partner is a do-er and we travel and eat out
Interesting partner has led me to trying new things, and conquering fears
On the whole generous partner

He is very non-conformist, though, and I think I miss the shell of conventional marriage sometimes. I'm coming to terms with a kind of grief. I don't think I can link myself to current partner financially, and I don't know if I could ever marry him. On some level, it means saying goodbye to a certain life. But I have to be careful not to wear rose-tinted specs about my marriage. He might have been a reliable person, but he didn't always show this at home, and we often played second fiddle to his reliability at work.

Thanks for making me think about this!

OP posts:
ADelicateFlower · 28/09/2020 10:32

Thanks for replying @user1493423934

I'm really glad you are happier! Sounds like you are happy to be without a relationship. Good to be strong alone. Great that you can co-parent ok. Yeah, work stuff could be better. Hope it happens for you soon.

OP posts:
Bbub · 28/09/2020 11:48

3 years on and no regrets here. Maybe regrets about what happened while we were together like how we dealt with problems, but at the end point I had no choice, I was completely done

ADelicateFlower · 28/09/2020 11:58

That sounds very healthy, @Bbub. Sounds like you are in a good place. YEs, there is a certain amount of regret about how problems were/not solved, I guess that is natural. Glad you are in a good place.

OP posts:
Meruem · 28/09/2020 12:11

In the months following the split I hit rock bottom tbh. I wasn’t coping and left myself vulnerable which resulted in some bad things happening to me. It was probably the worst 12 months of my life. But, as is so often said, time is a great healer. We broke up in late 2016 (not actually divorced yet as he’s abroad and it’s been complicated! But is imminent). We don’t have any DC together so I haven’t actually seen him since the day the marriage ended, so us being still married has literally been on paper only.

In hindsight I’m glad it ended when it did because I am now so much happier than I was when I was with him. However I won’t have another relationship. Truthfully I literally only just survived that break up and I know I don’t have the strength within me to risk ever going through that again. It makes me a bit sad, but I am 50, I have 2 lovely adult DC (ex isn’t their dad) and I am content to live out my days peacefully knowing that I won’t feel that level of hurt again.

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