What is it about the MIL?

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

It's way past my bedtime and I'm pondering life's mysteries.

What is it about the MIL that means that she is almost always hated? Please note, I say almost - I'm very aware that some people have excellent relationships with their ILs.

When I'm reading threads, the reasons for people disliking their MIL are all over the shop. Too bossy, or too timid. Too interfering, or too relaxed. Too nosey, or too disengaged. There's never a common theme (at least that I've seen).

So that leaves psychology and human nature. Why do you think such a large proportion of humanity conflict with their MILs. Surely a lot of MNers on here are MILs themselves, and I'm pretty sure most of them don't feel hated by their child's partner, or there'd be a lot more threads about it. Is that blissful ignorance? Is it some kind of territorial battle that we're wired to fight?

What's the deal?

My late MIL was a wonderful person who I got on so well with. When DS was born she never uttered one word of ‘advice,’ tried to boss me around, alienate me etc. My ‘D’M on the other hand, was a total bitch and I had to order her out of my house and have been NC ever since.

I used to be gutted at how my relationship with my MIL has turned out, but I won’t play silly games to garner attention. I still get cross

I had a very up and down childhood and teen and it’s been well dissected and discussed with my mum and we’re in a better place and, like others, I can speak more freely to her which is good.

I thought that MIL was so warm and lovely and mostly inclusive - everything I felt I was missing from my own family. There were a few “family only, sure you understand” situations during the first 18 months which other new partners were included in - but the relief of joining a ‘normal‘ family was so immense and nice(!) that I ignored.

When I was either pregnant or with a newborn (the timeline is a bit jumbled due to illness) she said that wives steal sons and that daughters are always there.

If her priorities, care, showing love were a ladder, DH (myself and our children) would be the bottom rung, maybe even the ground. The examples are plentiful and it’s depressing. It’s not me be an overbearing Son Stealer, DH chooses minimal engagement and will take the children round if they offer the opportunity but refuses to keep asking and being rejected in favour of his siblings and their children.

DH on the other hand finds my mum to be a bit of a pain in the bum with how needy and she can be (think shopping request when she has accounts for the same online stores as us and no budget, asking for numbers she could look up herself) but feels she tries harder than his own mum.

I agree with lots which has already been said. But also:

In a lot of cases it is STILL the females who do the bulk of organising and arranging family get togethers and how time is allocated. It's natural for a person (woman) who has just had a baby to turn to their own parent (mother) first. This can throw up a feeling of having to fight for attention or equality in the MIL.

This dynamic also throws the wife and the MIL together in a way which can be uncomfortable. The MIL will want to hear details from her son, but has to get info/convey advice through her DIL.

I feel sorry for MILs of sons who don't keep up good communication. I'm sure it can feel like being sidelined. I didn't like my XHs mother, but with three uncommunicative sons (and no DD) her struggle to feel important and included is understandable in hindsight. She became defensive and trod on all three of her DILs toes and alienated herself even more. I was very young and just put up taller and taller walls. A vicious circle.

In fact being brutally honest i'm glad i only have DDs. Both my XH and my DH are quite crap at telling their mums about the important stuff in life. Yes, i see it happening and can tell MIL myself, or cajole/coach DH into doing it - but it's sad it has to be that way.

Why is it so?

My mil is very tricky.
I have an old dog who has osteoarthritis, he is on new medication and is fairly perky. He’s also the love of my life and very loyal.
The last time I saw mil, she had some friends over and they were asking me about him. Mil interjected with ‘What a dreadful life’
Brief pause, and then I carried on the conversation. This is mild for her. But her desire to hurt me is constant.

My ex mil can be a total nightmare, ex dp has cut contact now, but I still have to deal with her, because ds adores her and vice versa. She's a mix between the classic ignorant, barely literate, thinks addidas is the pinacle of fashion chav stereotype, and the bucket woman. Thinks she is something because ex fil makes enough money for her to be a house wife, yet doesn't realise the only thing stopping her from being a regular council estate fish wife, is his cash. She's controlling, demanding, rude, has little moral fibre, no values or real character, and no real strength of mind, gets herself worked up into a crazy frenzy over every little thing. Yet is convinced her shit doesn't stink.

I tried really really hard to like her, until I found out how much she bitched about me behind my back. I wish I'd not talked ex dp out of cutting contact years ago, and stopping contact with ds, but I hadn't realised just how bad she was yet. Ex dp was abusive, and she had the cheek when I took him to court, to tell me I was "just as bad as him". I was in my early 20's and he was older and regularly lifting his hand to me, and abusive in other ways. And she knew this damn rightly, it wasn't until court though that the truth threatened to out, and she was more worried about the family reputation by that point forgetting that was trashed when her other son spent 18 months inside.

She's nice as pie to my face now, buys me little presents and shit, but I think that's a mix of guilt, as my ex dp's behaviour has now spiralled out of control, and it's obvious to everyone he really is a twat I wonder where he gets it from... and fear that I'll stop her from seeing ds (the only non adult gc she's still allowed contact with). I don't doubt she's actually still as two faced as ever though.

God that was cathartic.

I think partly it's just an age thing. After all, how many people 30-odd years older than you do you regularly hang out with (except your own family members, which is a completely different relationship)? It's not really surprising if you don't have much in common with them.

*I forgot to add irrational, full of
false pride, crass, gauche, has been known to make a spectacle of herself in public, etc.

My two ex mils were absolutely awful. The first one was what I can only describe as rough. Constant swearing, punching her younger children, my ex said she hit him so many times. She thought I was a snob. She cheated on benefits. I asked my ex how on earth you could because I honestly had no clue about such things. Her children went to school with holes in their clothes. She ensured she had enough money for cigarettes and her hobbies but food and clothing was the cheapest she could find. The second one was not as bad in that way but my ex was a mummies boy who she supported. Even when he went inside for dv it was all my fault for calling the police! The mil I have now is a very lovely woman!

@SuckingDownDarjeeling

Hmm. I wonder if it's because they're as forthright and opinionated as if we are their own children, but we don't feel as comfortable telling them to back off as we would with our own mothers. So we're stuck in a weird place where they're thinking 'mother knows best' but we're put off because we feel they're crossing a line.

There have been things that MIL has done, and DM has done exactly the same, but with DM I find it endearing and with MIL it gives me rage. It seems harsh, but I can't help it

This is what my MIL is like. She treats me like an extension of her DS and talks to me like I'm one of her children. It really gets my back up, I don't feel like she has the right to talk to me like this (she also talks to her sons like they are still children).

If she was my own mum I'd tell her to wind her neck in (and my DH does to be fair to him) but she's not my mum and she never will be. For me this is a big element of it as I lost my mum as a young adult, she'll never know my children and they'll never know her. My MIL just makes me sad that she's the only gran they'll ever know and she's a miserable, judgemental bitch.

@mrsmuddlepies the PFB comment was tongue in cheek it acknowledges that I was being over doting on my first baby and probably being hormonal about who I trusted with her. The thread was about why we have conflict and I feel that is one of the issues just because a MIL is trusted by the DH partner whatever doesn’t mean a new mum will share that bond.
Of course my MIL had lots of involvement with her sons children and as I said I love her but it caused friction as we were not as close as I was with my mum when I had my first baby.
I think all parties need to grow the relationship and some MIL’s just go full throttle want to be in your life all the time and you barely know her.
Over the years my MIL and FIL have become very close with their grandchildren and me and they are very much a part of the family bond. It takes time though.

I'm not a MIL because none of my children are married, but I am a grandma and so I have a relationship with children, their partners/ex partners and my grandchildren.

I try to be supportive of all of them. I don't cause problems, but I watch the circus and get dragged in by people calling me and telling tales, and somehow if I'm no careful I end up getting the blame for just being there.

I can't win no matter what I do and I think it is down to petty jealousies and also the fact that if someone hurts me because they can't hurt the person they want to hurt, it always backfires.

These days I do not get involved in anything but I am always here.

It's hard trying to play peacemaker. I have found that by trying to help it gets twisted and I am accused of interfering so I don't get involved any more.

I have lent money, I have helped people move house. I have looked after grandchildren, and I have taken people on holidays. I expect nothing back except respect. I respect them. I have bent over backwards to be a good source of help, but the moment I confide in anyone it gets repeated.

I think it is possibly a generation thing.

These days I keep to myself and am here if they need me.

I find your op, strangely worded.. What's it about the Mil that she is hated?.
The mils that are hated are usually the ones who have been so abhorrent and Vile and ruined so many precious moments that they are hated!

There are many beautiful, wonderful, supportive mils out there.

@deflationexasperation

I find your op, strangely worded.. What's it about the Mil that she is hated?. The mils that are hated are usually the ones who have been so abhorrent and Vile and ruined so many precious moments that they are hated!

There are many beautiful, wonderful, supportive mils out there.

There are so many MIL posts on here and the headers are a dead giveaway.. such as 'MIL again' etc etc... I get fed up of the MIL bashing and the posters who jump in before they know the facts.. oh hang on that happens all the time on here :(

I love my MIL - not all are bad

In real life I don't know anyone who has a deeply problematic realtionship with their MIL. None of my friends, cousins, siblings, acquaintances. Their relationships range from very close (this would be me and my MIL - she is a close friend and I would do anything for her) to cordial but not close and everything in between. I have honestly never encountered any of the stuff you read on MN in real life.

I have no doubt the posters are real but they are the exception rather than the rule I don't post threads saying "MIL just sent me a wonderful book" or "MIL saved my life when I had dc1 by coming and staying" because why would I? You hear the hard stuff. not the normal stuff.

I've had two MILs and both have been such spiteful, manipulative and determinedly nasty individuals that it has influenced how I intend to send my retirement.

I would never wish to have such a negative impact of my ds's life and I worry I might do it without realising. I intend to retreat to a good distance away (several hours) and leave it to them to come to me if, and only if they want to.

@PeaceAndHarmoneeee

I think if you are suddenly expected to have a close relationship with someone not of your own choosing once you hit 'marrying age' - someone you have nothing in common with apart from a mutual loved one- there's a fairly high chance you won't get on very well!

My mil is a nice lady, lots of friends, very active in the church, lots of interests etc but we are like chalk and cheese so never going to be close.

This, exactly. You’re thrust into a semi-familial relationship with someone you didn’t choose, whom you know only because of who you married, and who may be a very different person to you, with very different ideas about how family works.

Really great perspectives actually. And lord above @LomasLongstrider what a piece of work. I'm glad you found it cathartic to share. She's lucky she still gets to see her gc, I wouldn't be so kind!

@deflationexasperation

I find your op, strangely worded.. What's it about the Mil that she is hated?. The mils that are hated are usually the ones who have been so abhorrent and Vile and ruined so many precious moments that they are hated!

There are many beautiful, wonderful, supportive mils out there.

I'm only pondering based on things I see here, along with my own experiences. I mean, my MIL is a racist. So I don't feel guilty for disliking her. Everybody has real reasons, always different ones, but it's such a common phenomenon that I feel there must be more to it. I hope to be a MIL myself one day, so if I crack the source then I can cure the problem! Then DILs and MILs can live in harmony

People don't make threads on social media on how well they get on with their MIL, like they don't make threads about their good bosses, husbands, next door neighbours, bin men, couriers etc.

A lot of MIL threads are personality clashes. Some are even stuff that they wouldn't mind their own mother doing (especially with babies- but maternal protection can explain that).

Obviously not all MILs are nice. The majority are probably perfectly nice people though.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves very good point. A couple of times when I've seen threads about how good somebody has it, they're torn apart by posters telling them not to show off. Misery loves company and all that.

The best advice to MILs which I read on mumsnet was,

‘Keep your mouth shut, your wallet open and wear beige’

Mine lives in my street - I haven't seen her for months! I am very LC with my inlaws but DH sees them a lot.

She can be manipulative and eventually I just decided to have very little to do with her.
We have nothing in common and when we got married, she addressed my Xmas presents to 'my new daughter' which I didn't like at all.
I think because she has no DDs, she thought I'd want to do the stuff she likes, like shopping/entertaining etc which I definitely don't! 😆

I am still in touch with DS's ex GF, even though she lives abroad & am hoping to go visit her next year, Covid permitting.

I'm different to my MIL in that I don't think my DC can do no wrong; I acknowledge their faults, as well as their good points. 🙂