What is it about the MIL?

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

It's way past my bedtime and I'm pondering life's mysteries.

What is it about the MIL that means that she is almost always hated? Please note, I say almost - I'm very aware that some people have excellent relationships with their ILs.

When I'm reading threads, the reasons for people disliking their MIL are all over the shop. Too bossy, or too timid. Too interfering, or too relaxed. Too nosey, or too disengaged. There's never a common theme (at least that I've seen).

So that leaves psychology and human nature. Why do you think such a large proportion of humanity conflict with their MILs. Surely a lot of MNers on here are MILs themselves, and I'm pretty sure most of them don't feel hated by their child's partner, or there'd be a lot more threads about it. Is that blissful ignorance? Is it some kind of territorial battle that we're wired to fight?

What's the deal?

I think MIL are fine until children are involved. Then there tends to be a bit of an expectation from them that they can 'mother' your child, like its their 2nd chance at parenting. For someone who is having their first child that sort of behaviour turns some DIL very defensive. There was a story on here the other day about a MIL who had bought a Next to Me cot for when her GC stayed. WTF?! That's overstepping the child minding boundaries. The other thing is the judgemental comments from MIL who see their GC about 20% of the week but will tell you they don't eat enough meat, veggies, get outside whatever even though they aren't with the children all the time.

I once got shouted at by my MIL by calling DC a very mild name (think sod or blighter). I was furious - that is my child and their behaviour at the time was appalling. It was said low and not loud enough for DC to hear but MIL thought they could wade in.

I think some of it has to do with the "DH manages his family, I manage mine", "I hate confrontation", and "but DH is so bad at communicatio, is't it funny, hahaha" mentality.

MIL and I have zilch in common but - after some growing pains - our relationship strongly improved once I started treating her like family. Which in my case means very strict boundaries, clear expectations, and very direct communication. DH has some health issues which mean he is not always 100% and MIL can be intense. She means well but "just can't control herself." Making it clear that I won't tolerate her taking advantage of him or, by extension, us, cleared the air and we've been getting on much better since then. But it was a pretty big blow-up at first so doesn't go well with the "but I hate confrontation"-approach.

I love my MIL. We get on really well and chat / text when ever. There was only 1 time in 25 years that was a close call. PIL took offence that I was going back to work. They took great offence. I politely explained that times have changed blah blah. They now congratulated on my job and support me.
I am now a MIL. I get on well with both DIL. We text we walk dogs together. I even baby sit the step grandkids - if that's what they are called?!
I was grateful that someone decided to take my adult kids off me 😂 (lighthearted)

My mother and SIL have basically been competing for my brother's love, attention and money for the past thirty years! They have very similar personalities and interests and my brother effectively replaced our mother with a younger model when he met his wife. They no longer speak. Neither of them are nice people.

My MIL is lovely but our relationship has been easy because she has little interest in advising or competing.

I think a lot of comments here make sense re you can't respond like you would your own mother.

However, I think another element is that when you meet and marry someone, there's this sense that you should be close and loving with his extended family but the point is that they are not necessarily people you would choose to have in your life. Which gets confusing because it's quite an intimate relationship.

On top of that, I think that all couples adapt and change for each other. Obviously, as someone grows up they have influencers that aren't their parents, but the strongest one is the person they go on to marry and have a family with. And that causes confusion because it changes the dynamic. If DH's family have always done x but over time, you and your DH decide that's not what you want, the rest of the family can find it frustrating that x is no longer happening. And without a lot of understanding on both parts, that can get really tricky.

@Bmidreams, my lovely Mil had only boys, 4 of them, so it was a very male household. By the time she had DiLs I think she was so grateful for anybody who’d take the slightest interest in e.g. her new kitchen curtains!

My mil makes comments about my weight a lot so this gets my back up a bit.

@NomadNoMore

My mother and SIL have basically been competing for my brother's love, attention and money for the past thirty years! They have very similar personalities and interests and my brother effectively replaced our mother with a younger model when he met his wife. They no longer speak. Neither of them are nice people.

My MIL is lovely but our relationship has been easy because she has little interest in advising or competing.

Well your mother shouldn't have been competing, she should have been happy for your brother to be with someone he loved ..

Just to add I think many women never ever get the actual love they want from the men they marry, date and have dc with. So they become obsessed with their sons and the DIL is a threat to that love. It’s obviously a different sort of love. But all these women competing over the love and attention of men the MIL and DIL, no wonder men have over stuffed egos.

I do love my MIL and we have a very good relationship now, at first it was difficult as she wanted to take over and it was a bit her way or the highway. That woman was married for 20 year before divorcing FIL who was really not a nice person. She says she loves visiting us as she can be natural around us and loves the way we are with each other. At first I think she was a bit jealous, she never had that but now she is happy to have a son who loves and is loved.

@mrsmuddlepies

The implication in some of these posts, talking about 'my PFB', is that your child is your alone and has nothing to do with their father. Your child is a blood relation of your in-laws and it cannot be healthy to behave as if your in laws are a stranger and a threat. There are so many threads on here complaining about lack of support from grandparents and it is clear from some of the views expressed on here why some grandparents feel excluded and switch off. Families grow and change all the time. If you work at excluding grandparents and blood relations, you effectively exclude your husband's experiences of his childhood. When your children go to nursery , school or childcare you may well be grateful for support. It is shortsighted and unkind to exclude family members unless you are prepared for the consequences.

we are talking about how we feel not the correct actions to take...

I think if you are suddenly expected to have a close relationship with someone not of your own choosing once you hit 'marrying age' - someone you have nothing in common with apart from a mutual loved one- there's a fairly high chance you won't get on very well!

My mil is a nice lady, lots of friends, very active in the church, lots of interests etc but we are like chalk and cheese so never going to be close.

But the same is true for your husband and his in laws. I was grateful, when my father died, for my husband doing so many practical jobs for my widowed mother. He took on responsibility for the garden and for mending things around the house. However, I had stepped up with my in laws and taken a turn in driving them to appts and so forth. We are a team and supported each other throughout. It has kept us close.

If you work at excluding grandparents and blood relations, you effectively exclude your husband's experiences of his childhood.
Iirc, not one poster on this thread has said that they are deliberately excluding one set of grandparents. One poster has even said she is no longer speaking to her in laws, but her children go to see them with her DH. You are reading things into posts that no one has said.

I started off liking my MIL, she seemed very warm and welcoming. When I was pregnant she was looking through a pregnancy book I'd been given and said "They get everywhere, don't they". When I asked what she showed me a photograph of a black mother and baby. I said "What's wrong with that?" and she waited till my baby was three months old to 'get her own back'. Actually she'd been doing little things before that but that was the thing that made me realise how intentionally toxic she was being.

Her son never stood up for me because he didn't want to risk 'losing his inheritance'. Well he hasn't, he has inherited her narcissism and abusive nature.

Mines brill - infact more so since having ds. She follows my (and my husbands) wants about how to care for ds and doesn't criticise. She's brill in a last minute emergency and came to sit with me when I'd broken my ankle once. She helps with decorating and cooks a Sunday dinner for us every week.

Sure she has her quirks but so does everyone.

I've been thinking about this more. I think there's a lot to be said for a slow build up of relationships with in laws too. So that by the time the real intimacy starts - children etc - you have some kind of shared history and understanding with them. I can categorically say that none of DH's family are people I would choose to have in my life normally BUT over the last 15 years I've learnt to appreciate them, and vice versa, and there's been some give and take on both sides. But in the beginning it was harder. Luckily, at that point, we were all less invested so we've had time to sort of work out the kinks. Even so, when DS was born, there were a few moments but DH having my back 100% really helped with that. And in my case, for all her faults, I really appreciate the effort MIL has made to adapt for me and my quirks and I am fairly certain she'd say the same about me.

We've also developed a few little things that are "ours". Nothing major. But it gives us a little bond separate to the rest. In our case, we have a little routine in terms of me taking her shopping that works for both of us. We both enjoy it and most importantly, it gives us an opportunity to hang out without any outside influencers and it's now become our thing. We have our favourite coffee shop, our little routine etc etc. All of which work. (and I have to thank my mum for this - she did not have a good relationship with my grandmother but they did something similar and my mum was always very open about how important it was and I think it helped a lot).

I think often it’s because the wife wants the husband to always side with them and when they don’t they get grumpy and blame MIL.

I’m happy for my OH to speak up for his mum when he feels like he should, even if it goes against my values/preferences

I'm very fond of my mil. She's a lovely lady, always has been, has never tried to interfere either with DH or the children. (Except to lament that DH and his DB have a better relationship with each other than with her precious DD, who on the other hand, erm, yes, we've had our moments. . .)

FIL on the other hand.

@OverTheRainbow88

I think often it’s because the wife wants the husband to always side with them and when they don’t they get grumpy and blame MIL.

I’m happy for my OH to speak up for his mum when he feels like he should, even if it goes against my values/preferences

You see I was thinking this... but then I've observed a lot of DHs who also have a problem with the MIL. Not the FIL, which would make more sense surely? Male competition etc? My DH can't stand my DM. I really find it hard to believe that once you're a MIL you instantly become a monster. Everybody's reasons are so unique and valid though, so it's almost insulting to suggest that it could be for some deep seated emotional reason as opposed to the real experiences that upset you!!

My MIL was great - she was a blunt, honest woman in many ways like me. We disagreed on lots of things, but she made it very clear that she respected our choices in how DH and I did things even though they were different from hers.

My DH's relationship with my DM was also great - to the point where my DM really didn't want me to divorce him although I had told her he had become an alcoholic (MIL had passed, her death was probably the trigger).

The key was that they both left us alone to do our own thing in our own way - they understood the boundaries but also knew we loved and appreciated them.

For me I thought my MIL was great, just a nice woman, welcoming etc. And then we got engaged and it was like she had a personality transplant. She really really struggles still 20 years later with the fact that we are different and I will never be the same as her.

I do not keep DC from her, never have, never will but I do not like the woman because she refuses to acknowledge that our marriage has nothing to do with her. She refuses to acknowledge that we have a very happy healthy marriage and we make decisions together by talking and weighing up all the options etc. She firmly believes that I make all the decisions and her poor DS just does what he is told. This is because they are different decisions than she made so obviously it is all my fault and not that DH wants different things to her.

She uses tears to get her own way and has all her DC and FIL programmed to give in when she cries as they don't want to hurt her. DH noticed that when I disagreed and did not give in to the emotional abuse she got really angry and would then tell FIL to tell us what to do. FIL would tell DH and he would say no and that would be the end of it so she lost her power and now we rub along as well as is possible but we are very selective about what she knows about our life. It is sad as I really did like her.

I am NC with my own mother as she is a control freak too but unlike MIL does not back off so she never sees DC. I actually prefer MIL but that would not be hard.

Someone up thread nailed it with my MIL isn't into advising or competing. That makes an awesome MIL.

Mine was a fabulous woman who was very easy going and adored her granddaughters.
There's a big age gap between me and DH, so MIL was absolutely delighted to finally become a grandma at the age of 79.

She never gave me any advice, and just said she couldn't remember a thing about DH being little. She fed the kids sweets and biscuits, but it didn't do them any harm and gave her great pleasure. I miss her a lot.

Any of my friends absolutely loved theirs, mine sadly is dead.

I had to read about the absolute horrors on here to know they existed.

The whole, no boundaries, screaming, abusive, vicious, pulling babies off you, demanding new borns stay with them, interfering nightmares on MN to learn what some people marry into.

Thankfully no one close to me has had that.
Infact, they all sound very kind women who hugely support their children and grandchildren.

I wasn't expecting to see such lovely stories of MILs, but I'm really glad to see them! It's nice to know that it's not all doom and gloom.

Too much forced intimacy perhaps. When I got married, all of a sudden I had to have a person I'd previously had polite conversation with, in our house for extended times. Really, she's not my sort of person, and in other circumstances I'd have been able to have short, polite meetings. I have always been kind and supportive to her, but it's a struggle.