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Original poster

Do only children have it harder?

14 replies

WatchingWithDisinterest · 21/09/2020 18:41

Not financially. But emotionally and socially.

I never really wanted additional DC but thought it best for DC from a social point of view. I was an only child for 11 years, didn't really like children but loved adults. The downside was a very precocious little girl, which a lot of people don't seem to like!

We have tried giving DC a sibling for a while, but this pregnancy is the last shot if it's another late loss. I can't have anymore babies delivered too premature for survival. I can't cope with that anymore.

I feel really sad for DC if he ends up an only child. Have I ruined things for him? Will he be really lonely?

OP posts:

AllPlayedOut · 21/09/2020 18:44

I love being an only child. I've never wanted siblings. Having a sibling is no guarantee of anything, there are so many I know who don't get along and some who don't talk at all. You haven't ruined anything for him. He can be as happy as anyone.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/09/2020 18:45

DS(15) is an only. Doesn't seem lonely, wouldn't call him an extrovert but then neither am I or DH. He has friends but is happy in his own space too. Only children appear to be more common now and acceptable (more people actively choose to have an only)

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2020 18:47

I'm an only and have always loved it. I had a brilliant childhood and was never lonely. I never wanted a sibling, either.

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hilariousnamehere · 21/09/2020 18:48

I love being an only! Better relationships with my family, closer friendships, I'm good at being on my own and super independent. No downsides so far. He'll be fine if he is an only and fine if he isn't :)

for your losses.

Original poster

WatchingWithDisinterest · 21/09/2020 18:49

Thanks all. I really enjoyed being an only child for so many years! I guess it's a case of you don't miss what you don't have.

I have 2 very little sisters and a little brother. They all claim they can't stand each other But one recently started secondary school and wrote about her sister as her 'best friend who inspires her'

OP posts:

Standrewsschool · 21/09/2020 18:49

I know a lot of ‘only’ children and they have turned out fine. They tend to have a close relationship with their parents.

Regarding loneliness, I know the parents tried to ensure they socialised a lot, lots of clubs, play dates, mixing with cousins etc.

MotherWol · 21/09/2020 18:52

Be kind to yourself; it’s incredibly hard to go through pregnancy loss. You haven’t failed your son, he undoubtedly has a happy and loving family and plenty of opportunities to spend time with other children. Other posters more knowledgeable than me will be along to share their experiences of single-child families, but I just wanted to ask you not to hold yourself responsible for everything that’s happened.

NotGenerationAlpha · 21/09/2020 18:59

DH is an only and he loves it. I never got along with my brother but I always wanted 2. I think it’s what we are used to isn’t it? I convinced DH and we have 2. Don’t worry about having a only, many turn out fine. Mine get alone really well and it’s lovely they play along so well and keep each other entertained. But it doesn’t mean only children have a bad time. I think the parents have to work harder though! You have to be the playmate when they are younger. And work harder to set up play dates.

Original poster

WatchingWithDisinterest · 21/09/2020 19:04

Thank you. All I can remember thinking when I lost DD was 'you've left, you were all he had and I can't do this again'. It's all very confusing to know what's best, but I've promised myself no more if this is anything more than an early miscarriage

OP posts:

BoogleMcGroogle · 21/09/2020 19:12

Another one here who loved being an only child. I have a very close, relaxed relationship with me parents and a few very close friendships. I have so many happy memories of the things we did together during my childhood. The only times I've found it hard have been during adulthood. I remember when DH lost his father in April (to my shame) feeling deeply jealous he had siblings. But on the whole, it's a positive part of my life.

sorryforswearing · 21/09/2020 19:16

Mine is an 'only' but not from parental choice.
I decided to take him to lots of activities, have lots of play dates and encouraged him to build up a big frienship group. It helped that he was very sporty. Now he has loads of friends and is very popular (to my relief).
I once asked him if he wished he had a sibling and he said he'd rather have a dog. I still wish he wasn't an 'only' but he doesn't seem to dwell on it. I was amazed how many friends he had (particularly in primary school) who were only children.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 21/09/2020 19:32

If you're both in good health and relatively young (unlikely to be ill or pass away when they are young) and they have cousins that they see regularly or have plenty of family around them then I don't see the problem.

I'm an only child born to older parents who had both passed away by the time I was 26. No other family. I was very lonely when I was growing up and it was incredibly isolating when I was caring for a parent in my early to mid 20s on my own with no support. I had friends but they didn't have a clue and were too busy working and enjoying life.

It's something I worry about OP as I now have one child. I'd definitely have another (if I wasn't single and presuming I could actually conceive again).

RosieLemonade · 21/09/2020 20:09

DD is an only. I felt awful for her during lockdown as she went months and months without playing with other children. Apart from that it doesn’t seem to bother her.

OverTheRubicon · 21/09/2020 20:19

I have three primary age DCs and with the benefit of hindsight see some major pluses about being an only, especially because I am.unexpectedly a lone parent and because of their personalities and needs, mine are not particularly close and rarely play together.

One was naturally very introverted from a young age, liked to have adult type discussions and struggles with the volume and chaos of younger siblings. One has significant additional needs and both requires more time than I have, and greatly reduces time available for siblings. One is incredibly outgoing and sociable but still enjoyed hanging out with parents and on zoom during lockdown, and in usual times she is absolutely fulfilled on a day to day basis by her many friends. I love them all to bits it is true - but am not sure if having siblings is really a blessing for their own sake.

There are pluses to multiple children, mine have certainly learnt about patience and getting on, and in some senses it's good to know that my child with extra needs will have someone to look out for them (in another sense I worry that responsibility for a sibling's life is a heavy a burden to bear). But to me these are pretty evenly balanced or more by all the pluses of the extra time, ability to follow a child's passions, flexibility, financial freedom, reduced parental overload, that comes with having an only child.

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