Who pays?

[Getbettersoon]

I have a car that I use regularly for work and DS uses occasionally, socially. DH is also insured to drive it but rarely does.

The "spare" key is missing. No one knows when they last saw it but the balance of probabilities is that DS has misplaced it. If he has, it must be in the house because the car has never been unlocked when I went to it in the morning, but it can't be found.

It's possible that DH has put it somewhere after moving the car off the drive or similar or that I've used it when leaving the house in a hurry, for example, although if I did I don't remember.

No one knows how long the key's been missing, DS hasn't used it much since the start of lockdown.

Anyway, DS seems to be getting and accepting the blame, although there's no definitie proof.

It will probably turn up as soon as we replace it, but it makes me uneasy to have no spare "just in case". It's £140 to replace!

It's not going to break any of us to pay it, but it is a lot of money. DS works full time and has a decent income for a young man with no real expenses (he does pay a token keep and contribute to the cost of adding him to the car insurance).

In these situations I am always torn between being far too soft and "there are life lessons to be learned".

Would you take the money from him?

Go halves. No proof it was him.

Whoever pays, as soon as the new key arrives you’ll find the old one, I speak from bitter experience and say check inside everyones shoes.

In that situation I would probably pay a third each.

You don’t know who lost it so you should split the cost between all 3 of you. It’s unfair to make your son pay for it

Under what circumstances would the spare key be used? For example if it’s only him that ever uses it then I’d suggest he pays. If not half each.

It’s not at the MOT garage is it? We did that once with ours. Left them the spare key as we used the original key to collect the car late at night after work. They still had the spare until we remembered!

1/3 each.

I would go halves.

You don’t know who jt was and it sounds like he can afford it so to go halves seems fairest.

It seems harsh to make him pay when you don’t know it was him!

The spare key is used by DS and DH or, maybe by me if I hadn't got my own key to hand but very rarely, I don't remember the last time either I used the key or DH drove the car. (DH has had a major op, been unable to drive for the last month and was isolating ahead of the op before then.)

We were thinking 50/50.

It’s got to be shared equally. Annoying but as you don’t have a definite culprit it’s not fair to blame one person.

As a parent I’d just pay for it, I think it’s very tight to get him to pay, but then maybe I’m too giving? But equally my son is really good with money as rarely ever asks for anything

As the car owner, I would just pay it.

To be clear it's absolutely not about the money, more about the "lesson", I.e. running a car costs money, things go wrong and you have to pay, even when the blame isn't clear. The easy, more comfortable, thing for me would be to pay it myself.

DS appears to have accepted he will be paying the full amount, although we've never said that, which is making me feel doubly bad about taking the money, but I don't think you do kids any favours by making things too easy for them.

I don't think you do kids any favours by making things too easy for them

You're absolutely right. As the blame isnt clear on this one though I would definitely not make him pay more than a third.

Unless you've got proof it was him it's a pretty shite life lesson to make him pay 100%.

Whole point of a spare is it sits in a folder with all your car paperwork and only comes out in an emergency. If it becomes a threple key, with no actual 'owner' with sole responsibility, this was always going to happen.

I’d never charge my DD for that and it’s pretty shitty to make it obvious you blame him with no proof. I would pay.

To be clear it's absolutely not about the money, more about the "lesson"

But you don't know it was him, so how is that fair?
Pay 1/3 each and teach him that adults take equal responsibility and do things the fairest way possible. You'll look like a right tit if you make him pay for it and then find it at the bottom of your handbag.