Always on the periphery...

[Sittin]

...and it makes me sad.
Any hints - how to feel and be part of things. Moved to the area 5 years ago, been in job for 3 years. I still feel like the newbie - but other much more recent arrivals are ‘part of the furniture’ and great friends with colleagues. I don’t know how they do it! Everyone is nice but I just feel tired of being not quite part of it all, like I haven’t moved past the initial small talk stages. It has been the same where ever I’ve been too, apart from uni where I had a blast. I think I’m friendly, ask about people, smile etc. My closest, oldest friends have all moved abroad so it’s extra sad not to find new ones.

You have to be your own centre. What do you have that will attract people to you? Are you cheerful, funny, interesting?

Yes, I think so! Can you explain further - it sounds interesting and a different way of thinking? I do find it difficult to time my contribution to conversations accurately.

You're maybe overthinking it. Is having friends at work a big deal for you are you looking to transfer those to deeper friendships outside of work as well?

I don’t expect work friendships to transfer to ‘real life’ but I’d like to feel less invisible and more part of the team. I applied for an internal promotion a few months ago, colleagues were discussing who might have applied - didn’t occur to anyone that I might have done.

How big is the team? What sort of workplace is it?

It’s a smallish secondary school.

Asking for favours is one way of making people like you. The Benjamin Franklin Effect.

Also, could you be slightly socially awkward? Your comment about timing in conversations may give a clue as to why you dont quite fit in.

Could you ask a trusted friend or family member how you come across socially?

Is it possible that everyone at work is like this? Most of the places I’ve worked small talk is the norm. Occasionally I’ve made friends with a colleague but most of the time we’re just colleagues and tend to chat about light things and get on with our work otherwise.

If your colleagues were chatting about who might have applied for promotion, I wouldn’t expect them to just think of you - you could have said ‘oh are you chatting about the promotion, I applied for that.’ Insert yourself into the conversation if appropriate.