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Original poster

Play date etiquette

22 replies

ItsmineAllmine · 20/09/2020 08:42

OK - realise I sound a bit daft asking this but it's all new to me!

We moved in the summer and are now living in a new town where we don't know anyone. Previously any play dates would have been with kids/parents I already knew, so not had this dilemma before.

My daughter (very nearly 7) has been invited to a play date after school. Which is great, I'm pleased she's making friends. The mum messaged me on FB and we've agreed a date next week.

But, what's the norm? I'm assuming it's just for my daughter to go round, not me. Am I assuming the other mum picks the girls up from school together and takes them home? Do I offer to drop my daughter off?

I know they live a short distance from the school by car. I feel a bit funny about my daughter getting a lift in a car from someone I don't know.

This prob sounds ridiculous. But not sure how it all normally works when you don't know the parent. Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

ItsmineAllmine · 20/09/2020 11:14

Aaaah - anyone?

OP posts:

CuckooCuckooClock · 20/09/2020 11:19

Have you ever met the mum?
I personally wouldn’t let my 7yo go to a house where I haven’t met anyone without me. I’d invite myself to go round too at least for 10 mins to scope the family. I know I sound paranoid but some people have very different values.

Original poster

ItsmineAllmine · 20/09/2020 11:24

I've met the mum at the school gates and had a nosy at her FB profile. She seems like a 'normal' mum.

I'm not sure if she is expecting me to come round as well. I'm happy to, but she's just called it a play date for the girls so I'm not sure! Also not sure how to word me asking her to confirm!

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Piccalino3 · 20/09/2020 11:36

I have a 6 year old and it's normal for parents to attend with their children where I live. However, even if that wasn't the etiquette I would not be letting my child into a house on their own where I didn't know the parent really well. Do you know if the house is safe? Do you know who will be in the house when your daughter is there? It sounds like you don't know this woman really well anyway so you can't know her stance on anything or who will be there. Your daughter is really young still and won't be equipped to deal with situations she finds uncomfortable.

I'm probably overprotective but I don't care, I would rather be that way than some harm come to my child. If I were you I'd just reply and say something like 'looking forward to the play date, hope it's ok with you if I come along too, I'll bring biscuits!. If it's not ok she can make an excuse to cancel and you could invite the girl to yours another time.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/09/2020 11:37

We’ve never allowed play dates where we don’t know the parents or haven’t seen the house.

SD is still in place for both adults and children here though and we aren’t visiting others indoors so if mine were that age it would be a no for that reason alone.

Piccalino3 · 20/09/2020 11:40

I read a really good piece about this. It is American so not all applies but it might give you something to think about: www.scarymommy.com/tween-no-drop-off-playdates/?fbclid=IwAR1NUgqBIJA31fsEgjKquyo1dCGNmSgivKcc24bL6neRk0vxGMS7KMl45OM

BoattoBolivia · 20/09/2020 13:08

I suspect she is just expecting to pick your daughter up from the playground after school, but if you are not comfortable with that (and your daughter your rules) what about saying something like: 'as we are new to the area and I don't know anyone, would it be ok if I dropped her at yours and came in for a quick coffee?'; ' daughter is a bit nervous as we are new, can I come too this time and we won't stay for hours?'; 'she hasn't done any playdates without me, so I assume it's fine if I pop in as well?. I like the idea of bringing biscuits 😊 At that age it can be hit and miss with/ without parents so I think you would be fine, but she may not be expecting you, so best to clarify.

Catapultme · 20/09/2020 13:21

She's expecting to take your daughter home from school, feed her, they play a bit you go and pick her up. Then you return the favour in a couple of weeks.

If you feel uncomfortable with that then suggest you all go to the park together- blame it on covid.

snowgirl1 · 20/09/2020 13:25

@Catapultme

She's expecting to take your daughter home from school, feed her, they play a bit you go and pick her up. Then you return the favour in a couple of weeks.

If you feel uncomfortable with that then suggest you all go to the park together- blame it on covid.

This

AdoreTheBeach · 20/09/2020 13:28

My DC are now grown but as @Catapultme has described is how it was for all of my children ;large age gaps so over many many years)

As suggested, if you’re not comfortable yet for your DC. to go On such a play date, explain and suggest meeting in the Park first. Get to know the mum. Then allow the play date In their home when you’re more comfortable. You could also volunteer them to come to your house first. Specifically both of them

Stompythedinosaur · 20/09/2020 13:41

Nothing wrong with a quick text to clarify the arrangements. I'd assume she was collecting from school and will feed them. I would be ok with my dd going on her own, but if you arent you can suggest an alternative

GreyishDays · 20/09/2020 13:46

Normal would be for her to take your daughter home, then you pick her up, probably about six, probably after dinner.

But it’s also down for you to deviate from any of that if you want, you just need to say daughter can be a bit funny in new houses or something and can you stay for a while to get her settled in. Or ask the friend to yours first?

It’s all very well feeling you need to know the parents, but unless it’s a pit of drugs and exposed wires, you’re not going to find out from a few conversations that they are dodgy. So I mostly grit my teeth and get on with it.

GreyishDays · 20/09/2020 14:20

*fine for you to deviate!

RedskyAtnight · 20/09/2020 14:27

I agree the norm would be that other mum will pick your daughter up from school, give her some tea and you collect later.

but .. you can always message her and check arrangements.

Flynn999 · 20/09/2020 14:33

Can’t you just message her with ‘what time would you like me to bring dd round?’ Then that gives her the option to either say ‘don’t worry I’ll pick them up from school’ or ‘4pm would be great’, then you can come back with ‘are you happy to have dd on your own or would you rather I stay?’ I think half the fun of play dates of that age are leaving school together etc. If your not friends with the mum it would be a bit awkward going to their house.

Grobagsforever · 20/09/2020 17:19

[quote Piccalino3]I read a really good piece about this. It is American so not all applies but it might give you something to think about: www.scarymommy.com/tween-no-drop-off-playdates/?fbclid=IwAR1NUgqBIJA31fsEgjKquyo1dCGNmSgivKcc24bL6neRk0vxGMS7KMl45OM[/quote]
Wow

I hope that blogger gets help for her anxiety, paranoia and control issues.

Her poor kids.

Speckledhen617 · 20/09/2020 18:33

I would say it's just for the girls but I would text the mum and say you'll pick you dd up as normal, take her home yo get changed into play clothes and then drop her round. At least then you can see the home and you know where they live.

Piccalino3 · 20/09/2020 20:38

@Grobagsforever I knew someone would say this but she has some good points. I suppose we don't know what goes on in other people's homes do we? We don't know if there are drugs in the house, unlocked medicines, we don't know if there are older children who may expose the younger ones to inappropriate things, we don't know the level of supervision or what they might be able to access online, we don't always know who else will be in the house. 'Normal' people do all manner of things. Yes it is paranoid I suppose but it does happen. In the course of 100 play dates if it happens once then once is too many times for me. It may not be for others.

I don't know how I'll handle this as my daughter grows up but I do want to be aware, I'd rather be paranoid and my children come to no harm. It's a tricky one for all parents to balance, letting them have some freedom and being able to develop and grow without us whilst considering and protecting them from any harm that may come their way. I suppose it comes down to your experience of life and perception of risk.

The great thing about parenting is that we can all make our own choices about what to do with our children and we hope to mess them up the least along the way.

Fast90 · 20/09/2020 20:42

Please don’t let your 7 year old DD go into a home with a family you don’t know the first thing about. Scoping someone’s social media isn’t an adequate safeguard for your vulnerable child

Grobagsforever · 21/09/2020 09:41

@Piccalino3

Your child, your choice of course.

BUT. I will bet you any amount of money that that blogger regularly drives her kids on motorways etc, Statistically speaking that is MUCH more risky than anything that can happen on a play date, the odds of her child being seriously harmed on a play date are vanishingly small. Humans are very poor assessors of risk, we restrict low risk activities and happily indulge in high risk ones. Her children are suffering because she cannot get her head round probability.

Also, we don't have guns in houses here, which seems to be her main issue.

RedskyAtnight · 21/09/2020 09:45

@Fast90

Please don’t let your 7 year old DD go into a home with a family you don’t know the first thing about. Scoping someone’s social media isn’t an adequate safeguard for your vulnerable child

At what age is it ok for a child to go for a playdate with a school friend then?

Not to mention that most cases of abuse are by family members, not parents supervising play dates.

movingonup20 · 21/09/2020 09:57

When my kids were small it was normal for the hosting parent to collect from school and you just collect at the appointed time from their house

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