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My husband is no longer the man I married

18 replies

Lovetochat83 · 19/09/2020 23:21

I've been married to my husband for 7 years but been together for 20, we have two sons , one 13 and one 6 , my youngest is Autistic I feel like my husband picks and chooses when he wants to do the right thing for him and doesnt always want to meet his needs, when my husband is at work we have a brilliant routine everything is so settled and no meltdowns ,but that soon changes when my husband is home and he knows that but doesnt seem to care that he is causing my son distress , I feel like he doesn't put the effort in to learn about him and his needs ,everything I put in place becomes undone. My husband has also become quite a nasty person to be around , he shouts at us to fear us , during lockdown he picked up our tv and threw it across the room ,which he said I caused , he also has argued and slapped my oldest son and scared him to the point he ran out to my parents house , he now constantly raises his voice and threatens to scare us when we something he doesnt like or confront him . He calls me and my son names and then expects us to forget about it and spend time with him . He barely does anything round the house he says it's my job,and if he does get left to do something he gets my oldest to do it and says that's what kids are for . He still expects me to be intimate with him and wonders why I reject him ,he cant seem to see any wrong in what he does he thinks its us that are wrong. We have had another argument tonight which ended in him raising his voice so it would wake my youngest up deliberately and he also threatened to throw the tv again. I'm not sure what to do ,I'm constantly trying to fix our marriage but he,s trying his best to destroy it ,and stupidly I tell him to stay 😪, I think remembering good times and not being able to this alone are what make me stick around

OP posts:
minipie · 19/09/2020 23:27

This sounds awful. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice on how to fix it, I think in your shoes I would be quietly making plans to leave. Do you think he would change if he thought you were going to leave?

NooneElseIsSingingMySong · 19/09/2020 23:31

This is abuse...you know that, right? Yelling at you, throwing things, hitting the children...the man you married was a facade, the mask has slipped and now he’s showing you who he really is. Is there anywhere you can go?

Elieza · 19/09/2020 23:38

Fuck that. Time to get the ole ducks in order and leave. Next time he’s violent towards you phone the police. A grown man throwing tv’s around it pathetic and dangerous. Somehow blaming you for it is a joke. What is he, five years old. What an arse. Leave.

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Weenurse · 19/09/2020 23:46

LTB

Lovetochat83 · 20/09/2020 01:01

Apparently his anger is my fault I cause it , his mood flips like a switch and theres times where he,s nice just normal and it lasts a week or so and stupidly we think he,s changed and he,s sorry ,but we just go round in a circle, he says all the problems are my fault He promises to stop all the time and says he will stick to what he says , if I show more interest in the bedroom and put more effort in ,then he,ll put effort in doing the right thing, he thinks that is the answer to our problems I dont think he,d care if I left he,s locked me out of the house before mid argument

OP posts:
BlankTimes · 20/09/2020 01:30

Apparently his anger is my fault I cause it

Absolute rubbish.
His anger is his alone, HE chooses whether to get angry at all and if he does, he chooses whether to control it or to behave horribly.

They are all choices he is making.

Please leave OP, your sons need a much calmer and loving home, you can give that to them, but it needs to be somewhere their father is a long way away from.

Toobright · 20/09/2020 01:35

Oh OP, I hear you. We have some similar issues between DH and our ASD 6yo. DH can be quite unpleasant to me, and brushing it off is my choice. But I don’t think I can stand for the way he is with DS.

Iwonder08 · 20/09/2020 01:43

Your husband is abusive to you and your boys. You need to protect yourself and your children rather than work on your marriage

12309845653ghydrvj · 20/09/2020 01:54

What you are describing is clear cut emotional and physical abuse to both you and your children. There is no marriage to save here, and you have a responsibility to the children to ensure they are not subjected to this.

12309845653ghydrvj · 20/09/2020 01:55

Please seek help from a women’s shelter or charity to leave him—what is your housing situation? Do you own a house? Do you have photos of the damage he has caused, so you have dates of when things happened?

Poppet1974 · 20/09/2020 08:34

He’s abusing you and your children, make no mistake about it.
If you can’t leave for yourself, do it for your children. They must be petrified of him.

lifestooshort123 · 20/09/2020 08:58

I never understand why people post things like this as it's either a very obvious case of abuse or it's a load of rubbish. If it's the former then get your act together for the sake of your children and if it's the latter - I'm going to hang the washing out.

something2say · 20/09/2020 09:03

On the old 'it's your fault I lose my rag' argument from abusive people, we always used to ask, 'well does he do it at work then?'

lottiegarbanzo · 20/09/2020 09:15

What you've posted is a textbook case of 'nasty, abusive arsehole'. Throwing televsions?! You tell us in your OP that you can do this alone - indeed that it's easier when he's not there.

You even say you ask him not to leave - as if he's offered / threatened. As if all you need to do is take him up on that (I realise it might get trickier if you do), be clear and stay consistent about meaning that.

So what do want? What are you asking us?

All you need is advice on managing the process of getting him out, practically and ensuring your own safety.

Ginger1982 · 20/09/2020 09:25

He got your son, that should be all the reason you need to leave.

Ginger1982 · 20/09/2020 09:25

*hit

Elieza · 20/09/2020 10:41

Go on the womens aid website and see what advice it gives about housing etc. You will need somewhere to stay. They will have suggestions on how to proceed.

There’s a book by Lucy Bancroft that people always recommend, is it called Why Does he Do This, I think that’s the name.

You should see all sorts of things in the book or women’s aid site that will clarify his horrible behaviour for you, if you need any further proof.

If he does anything like throw a tv or lock you out if the house during and argument again phone the police. If you don’t have your phone ask a neighbour to phone them. Nae luck if that embarrassed him. He should have thought about that before. The police can hold him overnight which will give you a chance to pack in peace and escape him for good in safety.

Even if he behaves un-violently his behaviour is dangerous and manipulative. He will not change. You need to make plans to leave in secret.

If he gets a whiff you are going he could turn nasty like my ex who tried to kill me, as apparently in his head my death was preferable to my leaving him. He was another manipulator who basically wanted me to be a nice little stepford wife and see to his sexual needs. And have no feelings, ambitions, life or thoughts of my own.

You only have one life. This is it. Is this all you can be? No it’s not. Get free and safe.

MegaClutterSlut · 20/09/2020 11:27

You need to leave for your sons sake. Your kids could end up fucked up and resentful if you don't. I appreciate its hard to leave but your keeping them in a abusive situation, its no way for you all to live

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