I'm 30. And sure my DH will cheat

[BlueJay99]

Married three years, together for a few years beforehand. Two DC.

We're both 30 now. Generally have a good relationship, we get on very well and everything is great. I just have this overwhelming sense that we won't be together forever. He will cock up, cheat (I can't see it being me). We will divorce and I'll end up alone. He'll probably go on and have more children with someone else.

I think about it quite a lot and in pretty a matter of fact way. I just know it will happen.

Anyone else have this? Is there anything I should do?

It sounds like you have very low self esteem. Are your children very little and draining and do you feel physically not yourself? Turning 30 is a milestone and it sounds like you're a bit down.

I've got through phases of catastrophe thoughts like this and it helps me to: not repeat accusatory fears to DH (seems unkind to tell him he seems like a cheater? Why would you do that?) and also get off social media including Mumsnet!

I suspect you have young children. They make you feel so so old. Ancient. And you also feel powerless and trapped. Those feelings make you feel extremely vulnerable. Do you get much of a break from your kids? Do you get chance to go out for a coffee with a friend or do you have family you can visit?

Hi OP

I think I'd see this as a choice. You have the awareness that many marriages do not last. Use it. Read up on why. Look at doing the Gottman course to strengthen your bond and reduce the risk factors for divorce. Then every day put it into action so that whatever happens you will be in the best position possible to navigate the challenges of life, hopefully with your DH.

Think this is a classic midlife crisis op, especially as your paranoia seems linked to your age and attractiveness (and being alone).

Yes it’s a well-known condition called ‘Spending Too Much Time On Mumsnet’. In about 13 years of being with my DH it had never occurred to me that he would cheat on me and then after discovering mumsnet a year or so ago it started to feel inevitable! But you have to remember that people don’t come on mumsnet to write about their loving husbands and wonderful marriages, you only see the people who are complaining about their horrible situations. Take a step back from the internet and really look at your actual real-life marriage. OR start a thread asking women to tell you all about their successful marriages, maybe that will make you feel better 😂

Also beware of the self-fulfilling prophecy... if you start going on to your DH that it’s inevitable he’s going to run off with someone else you are going to push him away. He will feel distanced from you if he knows that you think that this isn’t forever and eventually that distance could grow and he might feel like he doesn’t have anything to lose and might as well cheat if you are expecting it / accusing him anyway. Then you’ll be all ‘oh see - I knew this would happen’ when actually it only happened because you thought it was going to happen. Not that there’s ever any excuse to cheat, obviously. But it would be pretty miserable being married to someone who didn’t believe the marriage was going to last forever. Why even be married then?

Geeze time to off ease off on Mumsnet. Not everyone is like that. Poor bloke you are going to drive a wedge between you. Some people have loyalty and won't cheat not all men are like that, what's your evidence of this man as an individual to feel like this? 30 is young by the way?!!

Just a thought OP and this will come across as very 'woo' to some, but do you generally perceive things that others don't notice? You could be sensing something before it happens. This happens to me.

You will get a lot of naysayers saying otherwise however. I think instincts are key.

Either you have turned into Mystic Meg or you have some kind of depression / anxiety thing going on and you need to seek help for it.
Of course your DH reacted that way when you told him he was going to turn into a cheating, betraying, uncaring liar. Wouldn't you be upset if someone you love had that low an opinion of you?
Be careful, or the expression 'what I fear I create' might well apply to you.

You are pretty much sabotaging your own relationship OP! I’d be heartbroken if my OH had that opinion of me!

You are in self destruct mode thinking that way.... and if you continue it will only go one way!!

Thank you all for the advice. It's been really helpful.

Yes, my DC are little the youngest is 7months. And I didn't consider PND but I might speak to someone about this as a possibility as I do feel more tense than I usually would.

DH had an EA a few years before we married, while we were both m at Uni. It went on for almost a year but I only found out about it after we were married and had our first DC. She was a few months old when I found the archived messages. I don't think anything physical had happened and it was years before. But it haunts me a bit.

In that case I definitely recommend doing the Gottman relationship course as he is someone primed for cheating ie could not express his needs and took them elsewhere.

Definitely speak to someone about possible PND. I had pre natal depression whilst pregnant with my first. This is a bit embarrassing now, but whilst I was pregnant with my first I became convinced that someone would knock at the door with a child that was my DH's! Some long lost child that DH didn't know about. I used to run through the scenario in my head and cry about it. Looking back I think I spent too much time watching Jeremy Kyle. The feelings were overwhelming though. That was nearly 14 yrs ago now and my DH is still here and no other children have popped up!

OP re the EA. Were you together when it happened as you say when he was a uni? Was he quite young at the time?

There’s good advice here OP.

The too much time on MN thing is interesting. There have been posts off and on about happy marriages and when they’re on the relationships board - which people presumably can use for questions or thoughts on all relationships including siblings, parents, friends, spouses etc - and they’re usually quickly torn into for being smug bitches and told to remember the relationships board is for women who’ve been screwed over by bastard men so to fuck off. While that contingent is intent on chasing away people who are happy and want to take a moment to share that, it’s going to remain a board awash with pain, heartache and betrayal. It’s a useful resource for those who are struggling but it’s hardly representative of marriage in the whole.

Yes we were dating while at Uni. So we were together (exclusively) but I suppose it was more casual in that we didn't live together / had broader social circles.

But it went on for a year-ish so it felt very deceitful when I eventually found out.

To me it sounds like these thoughts you are having are the biggest threat to your relationship. It’s doesn’t sound like your husband is doing anything wrong.

I would also speak to someone about the possibility of PND/anxiety. I have anxiety and OCD that manifests as intrusive thoughts, your situation sounds quite similar. It helps me to literally say out loud ‘these are just intrusive thoughts, it’s not a warning or me seeing the future’!