Help I can't cook

[madcatladyforever]

Help! I've invited friends over to Sunday lunch because they've had me over for Sunday lunch twice now and I HAVE to reciprocate.
I can't cook to save my life as I've never had any interest in it and have other hobbies I prefer doing.
My greatest achievement was broad beans in white sauce that tasted quite nice and now I'm all burnt out.
How can I cook a roast as easily as possible without burning the house down or poisoning my guests
Also I'm 58 I should have mastered this by now.

Poor you! Starting with a roast is a bit hard as it’s in the timings...

As easily as possible? I would get an M&S ready prepared chicken to just chuck in the oven. The seasoning is already on, it comes on a tray thing.

Couple of veg - peas are easy, from bag to boiling water for few minutes, and broccoli.

Buy ready made mash.

Hacks all the way for you!

Buy in local pub Sunday roast.

Does it have to be a roast? For a non-cook, might be easier to do a stew or some other one-pot thing & to serve with ready-made rice or mash!

Honestly im a terrible cook but make good food because i have good recipies!

For me the key to a good roast is timing. Basically a roast is complicated (imo) because its a lot of seperate things that need to be ready at once. I write out a time line in five min spaces with the right timings on it . So i can always look it it and say oh its 5.30 this is where im meant to be.

If you are a novice cook then i would advice on taking some slightly easier choices. The other bad thing about a roast for me is that it can be a bit of a difficult dish to cook with company as its a lot of in and out the kitchen so using some "cheats" will allow you to spend more time with them and less worrying. I would use instant gravy (or you can buy fancy gravy in sachets now), premade yorkshires, and theres some awesome premade roast potatoes you can get (not the frozen ones in my opinion as they dont pass for home made but the ones that come in trays).

Good quality veg is key and can help boost your meal. Over cooked veg is dire in my opinion. Consider making something like roasted carrots (we use a honey roasted recipie that i find really easy as its just sticking them in the oven for 20 with some honey and garlic which leaves the hob free). Microwave veg is rarely anyones friend so avoid it.

Cant help with the meat im afraid!

Go and buy a cooked chicken, bag of frozen roast potatoes and Yorkshire bung in some veg. Defrost a cheese cake tip on some cream. Keep topping up there wine glasses and you are welcome

Also when i go to a friends for dinner, im there for the company and will forgive all kinds of terrible cooking. Your friends know you arent a cook and are there to spend time with you. Some overcooked chicken wont apall them

Do you have to do a roast? I’d do a mixed Meze grazing plate and buy in dips, olives, nice breads, cured meats etc and serve it
They want your company not a meal that’s causing you stress. Also not where you’re stuck in the kitchen all the time and a frazzled mess
Find something that works better for you.

Why not do something different? Big gammon you can stick in the oven (finish it with something sticky / sweet if you like - marmalade, mustard & treacle etc), with wedges (microwave some large jacket potatoes, leave to cool slightly, cut into wedges then drizzle with oil, salt & pepper, into oven), a nice salad, some pickles, nice bread...? Perfectly adequate substitute for a roast I think!

Make one thing the star - I often do a broccoli and cauliflower cheese that I make the day before, then on the day it takes 20 mins to warm through in the oven.
As pp has said, buy a chicken that is ready to cook in the bag, easy peasy!!
Potatoes and carrots to add to it and you’re done!!
And a yummy dessert - shop bought is fine! Your friends are coming to see you and won’t worry if the food isn’t restaurant standard - especially if the wine is flowing

Good ideas thank you, ready made food that just needs chucking in the oven, Aunt Bessie Yorkshires. Off to M and S I go.
The other problem I have is the oven. It was left by the previous owners and has no instructions, it burns everything and just has weird symbols on that don't look like any I've seen before.
Last time I cooked something in there it was burnt in 5 minutes so I think that may have been the grill.
I'm hoping the brand of oven is online along with an operation manual. Its all gas, my last cooker was all electric.

Put the meat in a slow cooker!
Gammon is probably the best for this. Add a sauce if you'd like to.
Pineapple juice or sugar?
I've just chucked it in plain before and it's been lovely 😋

I'd buy a takeaway in your situation

oh no! Nothing worse than a rouge oven. Don't give yourself the stress.
Order some cooked chickes from supermarket counter. Nice potato salad/green salad. Loads of jars of nice pickles/condiments. Fresh bread and loads of booze ;)
Keep away from the oven!

For future reference, get an oven thermometer, one that hangs on the shelves, then you know what the temperature is.
Also, I believe in the UK you can book professional oven cleaners, why not do this before you embark on the adventure that is applied chemistry/cooking?
Cooking is very easy, once you know the basic techniques, but a full-on Sunday lunch with guests is definitely not the time to start as it is far too stressful for you.
However, I agree with other posters, buy in this time.

Have you got pictures of your oven dials? Maybe we can decode them for you.

Our local Carvery pub does takeaway food. Might be worth trying to find one.

Keep it simple and cheat! Buy ready stuffed chickens you roast in the tray, full instructions are on the packet. But frozen roast potatoes, again instructions on packet. Buy carrots (cut in half and throw in with the potatoes), green beans (steam in microwave proof bowl with a couple of tbsp water covered in clingfilm), and serve with bisto.

For dessert, if there's blackberries locally pick, chop up a couple of apples, add both to a pan and add a little water and 3-4 spoons sugar, cook 5 mins on medium, add to an oven proof dish and top with ready made crumble mix, serve with ready made custard. Hide all your cheats!

Look on your oven, there will be a knob (often on left) which is the settings, you want the one with two parallel lines (above and below) not the one with just above, put in middle if possible

Yes, post a photo of your oven dials! We can help then!

You can't be that bad if you can make white sauce without lumps! Do something like a boeuf bourgignon that won't spoil while you concentrate on vegetables. (Dauphinois potatoes can cook along side the meat, then steam some green beans at the last minute.) Good cheese and crackers rather than pudding.

There is a shop called 'Cook' that do amazing ready made meals. There is a vegetable lasagne that tastes home made.

What do you normally cook? Quite curious now.

I'd wing it for this lunch with pre-prepared then start to learn a few things and get to grips with your oven. Some people here have said they can assist with dials if you can post the options.

Another who wouldn't give yourself the stress.
Could you not make a 'one pot' dish on the hob (better still, slow cooker if you have one).....casserole, chilli, curry, etc all far more forgiving in terms of adjusting both tase and also cooking times.

Agree, now is not the time to risk the oven. If you phone the manufacturer, they will send a manual, or direct you towards the pdf of it...

Roasts are easy when you know what you are doing but tricky for a novice. I'd be tempted to do a casserole (one pot slow cooker) and buy in some ready made mash to go with it.