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Sharing and toy snatching

4 replies

Caseyblue · 19/09/2020 03:44

Hey I've started this post so many times then convinced myself I'm being too sensative. Basically my DD turned 2 last month, we've done all the playgroups and she's at nursery 4 days a week. We've taught her to take turns and share and it's really nice to see that she's not snatching toys but that she's sharing. I have a regular friend i met whilst pregnant and her daughter was born 2 days before mine so we meet up practically every 2 weeks (mostly at her house). I really value our friendship, we have so much in common and I love her company. Over the last couple of months, my friends daughter has been snatching toys and my DD has been saying "no" and getting upset. I did my usual "it's OK, remember what we learned... Share" but then I realised this is literally after my DD has just picked up the toy. So we play with another toy, but the girl follows her and takes this toy. So my DD seems to panic when she picks up a toy and hides behind me. My friend doesn't often engage but when she does she saying things like "kids will be kids" and "well they are her toys". It's just my DD gets very upset and I feel powerless to help her. So I've started taking toys round to her house but as soon as other girls sees them she snatches them and laughs at my daughter for crying. So I've asked my friend if we can meet at a mutual place, like a park as I thought it may be a territorial thing and maybe if we eliminate toys they might play nicely. Well they had moments of playing nicely, but this girl would then follow my daughter and push her off things e.g. The seasaw and slide. She was prising her fingers off the climbing frame and my daughter got very distressed. One time Us mums were right there, and the girl put her arms around my daughter and shouted "off!" and pushed her to the ground. The other mum was watching it, I went quiet so she could see I was watching this situation, she didn't intervene and so again, what am I meant to say to distract or stop this from happening? I just said "aww come on darling let's play with something else" which worked for a short while. I just feel all my child's learning of being nice to others and not snatching or pushing is contradicted when another child does it to her and its like I'm teaching my child not to behave a certain way but then reinforcing that this behaviour is OK if its done to her. When an older boy was kicking my daughter at playgroup, his mum told him to cuddle my daughter and give her a kiss and I didn't have time to process that. Until the other mums were saying "awww how sweet" but I also don't want to teach my daughter boys can hurt you and then kiss and cuddle u and its OK. I know now how to react if that happens again, I was just caught off guard. But with this situation, I'm clueless. I've seen this happen repeatedly with this one girl, and I really love my friend and her company so I don't know how to approach this. People tell me kids forget these things but I do notice a pattern of my DD shouting "No no mine, naughty! Share! Share!" when we are driving back and the reason I'm up now (3.30am) is because she's woke up screaming and shouting the same things. Am I the only person in the world that feels this way? Do I not teach her anything and let her snatch and push kids off things because this is just the toddlers way? Should I have not taught her to share? If I saw her behaving like this to another toddler I would help her understand this isn't acceptable. Like I say, I've started this post a few times and thought I sound petty but this is a genuine bug bearer for me, it's upsetting my daughter and upsetting me watching it, I don't know how to handle it and I feel quite alone with how I've been handling things so far? Can anyone give me any advise on how maybe things i can say in these situations?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/09/2020 03:58

You are doing the right thing by your DD, and your friend is not.
If your friend doesn't stop her own DD from her selfish behaviours (and no, I do not subscribe to the nonsense that "kids will be kids" and they can't be taught to share - clearly yours can and your friend is either too lazy or too unbothered to do so) then I would reduce contact between your kids. It's unfair to put your DD into that situation regularly, when she can see that your friend's DD is getting away with bad behaviour and nothing is being done. It will also undermine your DD's behaviour patterns - why on earth should she share and be nice, when others don't and get away with it?

Your friend will absolutely not appreciate you telling her any of this, so I would try joining some other groups so that you're not available to see her so often. I would also suggest you see her without the kids at all, if you don't want to lose her as a friend.

But you would be unfair to your DD to keep putting her in that situation - she's not enjoying it, and she's effectively being put in second place constantly.

It's harder at playgroup, but hopefully there might be at least one other mum there who is on the same page as you are with teaching her child to behave appropriately! If there is, maybe get to know them better and hang out with them more. Invite them and your current friend to the park, and hopefully they will be less invested and more able to tell your friend that she shouldn't be letting her child get away with it!

I know that sounds wussy, and like you're using someone else to do your dirty work, but your friend might take it from someone else where she wouldn't from you. If YOU bring it up, you're more likely to lose her as a friend.

Motherofmonsters · 19/09/2020 08:13

When I've been at play groups, I've always said DS is playing with that and take it back. Generally if they aren't watching them take it they don't watch me take it back.

DS is a snatcher, however I watch him Ike a hawk and I always make sure he waits his turn and give anything back

Caseyblue · 19/09/2020 10:43

@ThumbWitchesAbroad thank you for reading my post and offering that advice. I think that's really useful and I will start inviting others to playdates to see if this changes anything. Haha! wussy or not I guess it's something i should try before mentioning something to my friend. It would be such a shame to limit time spent with my friend but it's not really a situation i want to put my daughter in anymore. I'm convinced they develop their sense of self worth at a young age and I really don't want her to feel in second place - so mama needs to do what she can.

@Motherofmonsters, that's interesting hearing it from the other side! We need eyes in the back of our head constantly don't we! That's a good way of dealing with that! Exhausting play dates though eh?!

I find these situations very challenging and it's really good to hear from others to gain a little perspective and read up on other peoples experiences

OP posts:
Motherofmonsters · 19/09/2020 17:44

Play groups certainly weren't the fun part of my week but I found them very good for learning opportunities!

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