horrible fear of crossing roads (maybe upsetting content, sorry)

[theotherfossilsister]

I used to walk everywhere. It was my release, the way I kept fit, so so much, I loved it. I have autism and dyspraxia but taught myself to navigate cities.

In 2012 one of my friends was killed crossing a road, buy a driver who may have been drunk (The police didn't breathalyse him as he was in shock, I know, it's nuts.) This made me more cautious, but I still walked everywhere.

In lockdown one of my friends killed herself (I honestly have only lost those two friends, even though it sounds really bad.) I was so ill in the aftermath of her death. I couldn't believe she was of sound mind, and that she intended to do that. She was my closest friend. Her death had nothing to do with cars, but it really fucked me up (obviously worse for her family.)

I've also been experiencing terrible anxiety. I have been trying to conceive for almost two years (not sure if I should put this on hold, realistically, until I am better) and struggling with work, both my day job which I am on furlough from and my other work, which is my life, but which I keep having setbacks in.

I love my day job. I have an autism friendly employer and interesting clients and cannot wait for things to be more normal.

Recently I have developed a horrible fear of crossing roads, though. Even with a crossing it is hard (but doable, even though I might miss several green men) but with an unmarked road it's impossible. I ended up not meeting someone the other night because I literally couldn't get across a road. On my way home I came to another road I'd previously crossed OK, and a driver turning out turned to wave me across, then I saw another car coming the other way and I literally couldn't do it.

I've had things where I've started to cross and my legs feel like jelly and I have to leap back to the pavement. I also (most dangerously of all) will freeze if I see something coming fast towards me. I think it's knowing I do this that scares me most. In early August I had a near miss where a car came around a corner and I did freeze, and it really shook my confidence in myself.

If I cross I either kind of shuffle, or literally sprint. Neither are good, I know, but it's like some horrible trip wire in my brain.

I've been to the GP and been referred to CBT online but I feel like a failure as most people get better as the course goes on, not worse. I had six sessions with a work counsellor after my friend killed herself too, and can afford to speak with a private counsellor every few weeks.

I can cross with other people, almost like I trust them more than myself. It's horrible and so limiting, and it's reached the point where leaving the house makes me feel jelly legged.

When I go back to work I will need to either walk or take a horrible crowded bus, and I love my walk, but I am so frightened. Can anyone help please, without calling me an idiot or saying that sprinting across is really dangerous because I know it is, but the more I think how dangerous it is, the faster I want to run, or stay glued to the spot.

I'm having accupuncture for infertility and the practitioner suggested we treat my anxiety for a few months, and I put aside trying to conceive because of the state I am in. I think she might be right although it upset me at the time, but what if I was pregnant like this, or had a newborn and was too scared to leave the house with him/her?

That sounds so hard. I'm autistic too and have experienced trauma that made certain things physically impossible to do. Jelly legs is exactly how I used to describe thatfeling, plus my body would just turn around and walk away from where I saw the 'danger' coming from. I was lucky in the sense that what triggered me was not something I encountered in usual, everyday life, so I could avoid it while I had hat talking therapy to deal with the traumatic experiences that underlay the physical responses. Obviously that's not really a viable option for you but I wonder if it's possible to have someone with you for a while, until you feel more stable again. CBT can be good, but I would be careful not to try and push yourself into doing things that scare you because it may make the trauma response worse.

It's obviously a big decision to make to stop trying to conceive for now, but I think you're intuition is right. I did have my children while still having trauma responses and I ended up in flight or freeze situations (ie what your experiencing when crossing a road) far too often around them, basically generalised anxiety instead of jelly leg responses to one particular situation. If you think the acupuncture helps, I would try to use it to deal with the anxiety first, so you feel more in control of life when you become a parent.

*to have someone with you for a while when walking to work

Thank you so much, @Timestoodstilll - there is a longer road parrallel to the one I take which has less traffic, but I have been telling myself that to take it would be a failure, but everytime I try to take the straight road into town with three roads without crossings, I freeze more. The other road is currently shared with bikes (bike and pedestrian lane) and they can make me jump out of my skin, but they are less scary than cars. I think you're right about making the trauma response worse by pushing it.

I'm going for a walk with DP today as he has the afternoon off, and we're going to a hill. I know he will get frustrated if I either freeze on hearing something coming, or run flat out across the road.

I would love a child, but I do have so many worries, and it could be that I can't conceive because my body knows I am not ready? I don't know, it just feels like everything is so scary.

Thank you for replying x

It is not failure to take care of yourself. One of the things I learned in therapy was that my tendency to keep pushing through difficult things was what was making my anxiety (and ability to make healthy choices) worse. I sometimes think that us autistic people (maybe women especially) are so good at pushing through our bodies screaming 'noooo' because we've been taught from a young age that our reactions and emotions are 'too much' or even simply 'wrong'. But they're not, they're just different and/or stronger because of our neurology. As long as you don't give up on going out completely, taking a longer route that allows you to stay somewhat in your comfort zone will be much better in the long term than pushing yourself into overwhelm repeatedly. You've experienced serious trauma and your body and brain have the right to respond to that. It's normal and happens to lots of people who've experienced trauma, autistic or neurotypical.

As an aside (and maybe too blunt but, oh well...), if your DP can't handle you going into flight or freeze I wonder if he should be with someone who's autistic. Managing this neurotypical world is hard enough without someone who can't accept you for who you are.

Thank you so much. I think his anger comes from worry, ie if I freeze or run across the road he thinks these responses are dangerous and he's like 'you need to not do that.' I know he's right but also I feel like I can't help it.

Have a Google for survival response: fight, flight, freeze and flop/fawn. They are universal and something you literally cannot stop your body from doing. It's why, for example, people sometimes don't fight off attackers. So he may be right that it's dangerous but he needs to understand that not doing it is not an option.

Thank you. I wish so hard that I could find a way not to be like this. It's so hard and it's easy to understand why he is scared and angry. He has anxiety too, although his manifests differently.

I just hate this fearfulness and how naturally it comes to other people.
It's like I have lost something and something is broken in my brain.

It's good you understand and makes me feel less alone. I'm sorry you've struggled though.

Its very difficult and I’m sorry I don’t have an answer for you. I’ve had to spend years building up courage with crossing roads. You were completely in the right not to cross when the driver told you to. Its nice to give way, but in my driving lessons I was told not to wave pedestrians across because there may be something coming that I can’t see.

I’m sorry to hear what you have gone through OP. I think continuing with the therapy is the best plan. Have you considered hypnotherapy? I’ve never tried it but it might be worth thinking about.

Could you try building up to the busier roads by maybe going to much quieter places like industrial estates on the weekend or something like that? Make sure it is somewhere you can feel safe. Get used to quiet roads again and then build up to busier residential streets and so on.
Your DP doesn’t seem to understand your fear and really needs to be more supportive. I can see he is worried about your safety but him getting angry doesn’t help you.
I think you are right to put TTC on hold until you have got the anxiety under control as it will just add more stress otherwise.
I hope you feel better soon and get your confidence back.

Thank you all for your replies. It is really scary. Sometimes weirdly busy streets are better because they have lights or traffic islands in the middle. So are very quiet roads. It's the in-between ones with no lights or islands that I literally cannot cross. With traffic lights I can do it if I sprint, just, although I have to psyche myself up and know sprinting is dangerous. Sometimes I need to.wait for a few green men to time then too, which I know is very weird and I get weird looks but it helps to know how many seconds. I never used to be like this.

Maybe hypnotherapy will help. I am already spending money on acupuncture and counseling though, which makes it feel hard to justify. I love walking, that is the sad thing.

There are hills I can take a bus to though, unless frivolous bus travel is banned.

I just wish there was an inbetween for freezing and sprinting.

With traffic lights I can do it if I sprint, just, although I have to psyche myself up and know sprinting is dangerous. Sometimes I need to.wait for a few green men to time then too, which I know is very weird and I get weird looks but it helps to know how many seconds. I never used to be like this.

By pushing yourself through your flight/freeze you are putting yourself in danger. When in survival mode your frontal cortex doesn't engage and you're unable to make rational, calm decisions and observations.

It makes sense to me that quiet or busy but regulated roads are better than the in-between ones. In those two situations, there is structure and predictability, while in the in-between ones you need to engage your frontal cortex to do the structuring for you. Autism obviously makes the lack of structure (and corresponding need for executive decision making) even harder.

What sticks out to me in your posts is how tough you are on yourself, talking about failure and weird when, as you say yourself, you are simply petrified. This is how PTSD and complex PTSD works. Your body and brain respond as if you're facing a sabre tooth tiger. There's no space for thinking when you're triggered, only automatic reactions. Those are not your fault. And they are normal (as in the usual human response, embedded into us through millennia of evolution).

I wish I had a recommendation that is a quick fix. But treating (C)PTSD is hard and as a fellow autistic person, I've found that many neurotypical professionals don't understand well how PTSD can be extra difficult for autistic people to manage.

Just know that you are normal with this. It's hard, but you've been through hard times and this is where they have led you. The way out is to be kind to yourself, learn to understand yourself and help your nervous/lymbic systems calm down. Psyching yourself up to across roads in a petrified state is not doing that.....

Don't be shy about asking for help if you need it. Most people are kind and when I was paralysed with fear on a doorstep a few years ago someone actually took me home for breakfast then drove me safely.

If you said to someone please can I hold your arm whilst crossing they'd probably do it.

But it sounds like your treatment for the underlying cause will take longer.

Sorry, just realised how much I've been typing and I'll calm down a bit now. This topic has become a bit of a 'special interest' (hate that term) of mine. You deserve to feel better, though.

Thank you so much @timestoodstill. Everything you're saying makes so much sense. I was wondering why it was getting worse forcing myself rather than better but maybe exposure isn't the way right now.

I do sometimes ask people who look kind if I can cross with them and they generally say yes, although sometimes they seem concerned about me after too, even though once across the road it is ok.

Currently on a bus home instead of walking and trying not to be angry about the lovely day I am missing out on. I would love to get better.

Unmarked crossing are horrible. Tried crossing one with DD where it had white lines to show you could cross there and the bumpy bits on the pavement. Cars able to come from 3 roads onto this one. No lights. I was waiting, looked clear, went to walk out with DD and she escaped my clasp just as I realised a car was coming, even though it had looked clear, I stopped, DD ran, car nearly hit her and I screamed. She made it across only because the car slowed to a stop. I was terrified and will never cross that road again.

Roads are terrible for me in general and I don't have autism. I just can't handle it. Don't think I will ever learn to drive. All I can think about when I'm in a car is that it could crash and we will all die.

Yeah we don't have any proper crossings here and it can get busy as it's near city centre and a few major organisations nearby. The cars can go so fast and it's swirly roads so you need to be careful as you don't necessarily see them coming. The Romans didn't come through here. I sometimes cling onto a lamppost and breathe until it's safe to go.

You're not alone OP. Just be as careful as possible and ask for help if you need it. Sorry about your friend.

Are there any better routes where it's safer to walk?

Have you a friend who can walk with you? You’ve been through a terrible time and this is coming out as anxiety, be kind to yourself

Roads without proper crossings are horrible aren't they, Frownette? Although it seems like everyone else can just do them naturally, while I stand on the pavement and shake.

I have some friends, and DP and a friend went for a walk with me yesterday. DP doesn't have that much energy and isn't crazy about long walks though. Maybe I can ask one of my colleagues to walk with me when we start back at work properly?

Just an update. I emailed my councillor to ask about the unmarked roads. Maybe over the top as a lot of people seem able to cross them
The issue is they're far busier now as we have tram works and all traffic has been diverted down my street and the one it turns into. I hope other people would like road markings too.

Since earlier posts I've been trying to be kinder and not force myself into situations where I'm terrified. I'm grateful for this advice. The problem is I badly want to go for walks. I want the freedom of my city back.

There are lovely green spaces but you need to cross lots of scary roads to get to them.

@theotherfossilsister something I found useful is to steady yourself beforehand by holding onto railing or lamppost or whatever, then as sure a coast looks clear march across thinking left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot until you're over.

No it's not very helpful when you don't have designated crossing areas and it is busy! You have background trauma so it's understandable it frightens you.