Emotionally struggling - are they doomed to miserable childhood because of me?

[Readysetcake]

My DD (pfb) has just started reception and I’m bawling my eyes out as she said no one wanted to play with her at lunch time. I know it’s only been two weeks but it dredged up lots for me. And it’s what I’ve been dreading.

I struggled at school and I’ve never had many friends. I’ve also suffered with episodes of depression and anxiety since my teens. We moved across the country in lockdown so now I really don’t have any friends (that I can see in Person at least) so I will be settling a terrible example.

I’m quite shy and socially awkward so I can’t see me making friends with the school mums who all know each other it’s seems (smallish village, but next to big city, with a pre school nursery all the kids went to last year). Which is fine. I never expected to.

But i’m terrified my children will be as unhappy as I was as a child. To the point that I now really regret having them as I’m just not good enough to deal with the emotional side of things and won’t be able to facilitate an active social life for them.

Are they doomed because of me?

No. I am very similar to you and my DS also had problems in y1 finding people to play with but he did and now he has a solid wee circle of friends. I speak to 1 school mum on and off, the rest are all a bit stand offish.

I recommend clubs, they have really helped us.

I'm sure they aren't. But it is important that they get good social role modelling from you. You don't have to go through shyness/social anxiety/depression by yourself - it is a treatable condition and with some help you should be able to manage it so that you are less inhibited by it, with positive effects on your children. Can you seek some help from a counsellor?

I worry about this too. Ds says he hasn't been playing with anyone or knows their names. As you say it's early days and those who aready know each other will be at a natural advantage. I would just be mindful of how much you project your feelings on to the situation as your daughter is not you (I find this really hard not to do).

I'm sure in the coming weeks she will settle down and find a buddy. Hopefully the teacher will help them mix and integrate a little.

@Thecomfortador I’m so mindful of not projecting my feelings and experiences on to her. She is so different to me as a child. She is so confident and will talk to anyone. I’ll be so sad if she loses that. At least I known it’s not through lack of trying that’s the others aren’t playing with her.

I’ve tried counselling over the years @shieldedsally but doesn’t seem to resolve my issues. My anxiety isn’t debilitating and I talk to people I just don’t have many friends.

I just a spend so much time worrying about them. I can’t imagine how I will cope. This worry is never going anywhere and I’m going to have no good advice for them.

It might also be that she is playing with other children but is remembering the 5 minutes that she wasn't when she talks to you later. This is very very common, it isnt that they are lying just remembering it funny. My own son said to me once that he hadnt played with anyone the whole day but I'd actually seen him with my own eyes when I was walking past the playground at lunchtime - he was charging around with 2 other children playing some sort of tig. If you are worried maybe contact the teacher. They will either be able to reassure you or hopefully offer some extra assistance to her in making friends if needed!

No, of course not.

Deep breathe, have a word with her form teacher tomorrow or send an email if that's easier. A decent school will offer a bit of support to get her started, and then she'll be fine. Don't worry

Are you 100% sure she is telling the truth? My daughter use to tell me she just sat on her own at play time and didn’t play with anyone. I had to go into the school one day at break time and there she was having a rare old time running around playing like she had been the whole time she told me she sat in her own.

Is their Dad involved? Is he more sociable? I only ask as I am similar to you, and I let DH deal with that side of things which works well, and stops me feeling too guilty. As a PP said though, it is likely that she did have people to play with. I think DC tend to remember and mention the 5 minutes of a day when they had no one to play with rather than the rest of the time when they are so absorbed in actually playing they don't think about it. Might be worth checking with her teacher, you may find that puts your mind at rest, and if not they can keep an eye on the situation.

Thanks for your kind replies. They mean a lot. I’m sure you’re right and she was just remembering the few minutes she was at a loose end. We went to the park after school and was playing so nicely with another girl for ages, so my sensible parts tells me she will be ok at school. She’s just such a happy child it would break my heart for her to lose that and turn into me.

DH is around but he’s also not very out going and a bit socially awkward. We’re not complete recluses just find small talk hard and shy to make the first steps.

I think I carry so much trauma from my time at school. I was so suicidal as a teenager and self harmed etc. I’m terrified of my kids going through that. When she said she had no friends and said she felt so small it took me right back I had no self worth back then and now often find myself thinking I’m not worthy of being their mum and that they deserve so much more than me and what I can offer.

Just remember that the problems/challenges you will face with your children (and you will, everyone does) will be completely different to the ones you expect to face. So you can be worrying about her following in your footsteps re social anxiety but you will likely find thats not a problem only to be completely side-swiped by something you never expected. So theres no point in worrying.
The other thing I wanted to say is that I was also super shy in school (and still am although I hide it better). My son is much more sociable but an only child and my main worry was him being alone in the holidays. I found actually an honest approach with other parents worked better. So saying directly "Hi, X gets a bit bored with just me to play with, he would love to play with Y" rather than making sort of sideways approaches. You do risk rejection (and its not personal, other people have their own stuff going on which may mean play dates etc arent convenient) but in the end I ended up with a good core of parents whose children my son meets up with and I ended up friends with some of them too although that wasn't even my initial priority. The best way for me to establish contact with parents was by throwing parties for the whole class. On the one hand its not my thing AT ALL and its much pricier booking a soft play but when parents RSVP you get their number and when they come (reception is still an age when parents are likely to stay) you can then chat a bit etc. As I said, I find that sort of thing intensely stressful but it was worth it long term. And of course not everyone can come, and I panicked a week before the party because hardly anyone had RSVP'd but 15 people RSVP'd 2 days before and it was fine. And then your child gets invited to other children's parties reciprocally and you have some parents contact numbers.
All of that is hugely out of my comfort zone but I found it easier to remember 1) I am not at school anymore. It doesn't matter if the other parents don't respond because Im not doing it for me Im doing it with my child and he doesnt know Ive contacted them. 2) Nobody knows what Im like so they don't know Im shy. 3) Yes some parents won't want to become involved in playdates/parties for their own reasons, some might even be bitches, but out of 20-30 parents there are bound to be some who are friendly, perhaps feeling the same way as you and whose children your child gets on with

Sorry, that was super long. Its just I realised I'd been in almost the same position as you a few years ago and wanted to post what worked for me! My son mostly arranges his own friendships/play dates now anyway.

I’m out the other end of this now with teenagers. I’m super shy and found it nearly impossible with my DS in reception and KS1 to get to know other kids mums and do play dates. DS is quite like me and didn’t want to socialise when young. It really worried me. DS is now 17 and has a social life with a small circle of friends, sports clubs really helped him and he remains very sporty and has got friends through running, tennis and cricket. Another thing that helped was him going to a childminders after school, he met quite a lot of kids that way. I did find it much easier with my outgoing DD, she would quite literally drag me over to parents to make sure play dates went ahead. As a result I got to know several parents in her class, which helped. Looking back I worried for little reason!

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to be in the best place for you. I feel the same about my son and realised what I wouldn't do, what I wouldnt give to help him with his issues.

I realised that I needed to care that much about me too. He can never know self care and self love if I dont demonstrate them.

Do as I say, not as I do sprang to mind. And the New Testament thoughts on love thy neighbour as thy self.

Brene Brown is a wonderful place to start - she has some incredible books and a couple of amazing Ted Talks on you tube.

Thank you so much for your replies. @yetanothernamitynamechange you’re right there is no point worrying. I’ve worried and catastrophised about the future as long as I can remember. I’ve been much better in recent years but some things set me off again. I would have thrown a whole class party if bloody corona hadn’t of been around. But that’s definitely something to do in the future and with my youngest. Thanks for highlighting that it’s not for me it’s for my DD, and you’re right I’m not at school now. It really doesn’t matter if any of these people don’t want to be friends as long as my DD has some friends.
@MilkRunningOutAgain hobbies sound like a good way for her to meet people. She’s keen to try gymnastics so I need to sign her up. She will probably go to an after school club when I’m back in the office (whenever that will be!) so maybe she’ll get friendly with people then. She’s so happy, funny and kind I can’t see how she won’t have friends. But then in bias I guess.
@AntiSocialDistancer you’re very right. I can’t teach self love if I’m not there myself. I need to work harder on getting myself to a place of contentment.