Partners that smoke weed

[Newmum97]

To anyone who's partner smokes weed, how well does your partner control their use, do you support it or are against it? Does it affect your relationship or how do you prevent it from affecting your relationship?

Long story short after a long and difficult journey i quit smoking marijuana during my pregnancy and have no intention or desire to go back to it after pregnancy. After quitting I've come to realise just how much money I used to waste on it, getting very little in return for it and that it made me very lazy.

A couple of months ago after I quit my partner lied about where a small amount of money that was meant for bus ticket to midwife appointment went, turns out he went behind my back lied to me and spent it on weed. It resulted in us having a very long argument and me asking him to quit or leave. He refused at first and then quit for 3 weeks then went back to it after our income went up with him saying that it was more affordable for us now.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and yesterday I had to go hospital for some maternity appointments and then do a bit of last minute hospital bag/Baby shopping. Partner gave me £50 to treat myself and I had some maternity grant money to spend. I ended up spending 3/4 of the money on things for baby, hospital and bf. Spending very little on myself while my bf sat at home smoking and playing video games. While in town I had a random woman with kids offer to help carry my heavy shopping bags as she could see I was struggling and it made me think why the heck is my partner not here, granted you can't bring partners to hospital appointments atm. We live in a high rise where you can see the bus stop I get off at and a 15 minute walk home i have to take. Partner was on balcony waving at me watching me struggle then went inside. I honestly thought he had come down to help carry the bags but instead went inside to play games with his friend. By the time I got home I was in agony and couldn't even stand or make it to bed to lie down. guess it really put things Into perspective for me. I love him a lot and there are many great aspects to our relationship but I am seriously growing resentful towards his smoking and the fact that he gets to spend lots of money on himself whereas I'm always worrying about everyone else/what we need. How do i continue to let him smoke but get a handle on this situation? I'm not looking for anyone to tell me to leave him as we are very much in love and this is the only big issue we have, practical advice anyone?

I don't think my opinion will be taken very well on here but personally I think adults who smoke weed are wasters. I say this as someone who:
1.smoked a lot of weed as a late teen where it made me lazy and unproductive

1. Works for the probation service and see so so many people who smoke cannabis with mental health problems, no job and no drive to really do anything. I also see people's lives being ruined (particularly young males) for possession and supply

It's a shit drug and people justify it by saying it's harmless but it's not.

I don’t want to demonise weed because I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. My partner and I both loved it when younger but as we have a family now we have to priority their needs first.

I’m a stay at home mum and he has a good career and works full time. I think when our usage was most frequent we probably did have some mental health issues that we resolved by ourselves. I think it was a crutch for us, but now it’s a Now it’s just an occasional thing to relax and enjoy . There’s always a small stash in the house just for my peace of mind.

Could you guys sit down and have a really open and not confrontational chat about it. Express your concerns and make a plan on how to move forward? You guys love each other so should be willing to compromise and try to support each other.

Best of luck.

Why did you buy your partner anything? That money is for your baby and it doesn't sound like you have much spare.

He sounds like an addicted loser.

My DP might have a joint maybe every month or two with some mates. That's it. Everyone I know who smokes more than once a week slowly gets stupider and more selfish, less ambitious. Unless it's for medical reasons and even then I think it makes them arsey when they don't have it.

Dump him, this is an unhealthy environment for a baby.

Completely agree with @planetaryexplorer and actually left my ex because I couldn't bear the thought of having children with someone who would always prioritise getting stoned over them and everything/everyone else. People like that don't tend to improve.

How much is he spending and smoking? Is he an addict? If so then his primary relationship is with the weed, not you.

You asked him to quit or leave: he didn’t quit and you didn’t end the relationship. You still have the option to do so.

Him watching you struggle and doing nothing is indeed an eye opener.

Why are you wanting ways to enable him to continue smoking: because you believe he can cut back (unlikely if he’s addicted) or because you think he will once again choose weed over you/your DC?

Being in love is not reason to stay in a relationship with an addict.

Has he got a job or does he sit around playing video games and smoking all day ?

The issue from what I am reading isn't the weed. It's the relationship dynamics around finances and communication.

I've been in both your positions with regards to shopping btw and I admit, I see the person getting off with bags and whatever, I'd go back to doing what I was doing. If partner needed help they'd contact me whilst on the bus. When my battery has died, I've buzzed up and told whoever answers to come down and help.

Why don't you both have similar amounts of money to spend on yourselfs?

Disclaimer - I'm a weed smoker who functions daily to do everything people need to do depending on my health. My mh and a lot health issues pre-date my weed usage. For me it's got me off some prescription meds. Other health issues have been as a result of accidents.

Yes there is a bad side to it including the criminal element to it. Tobacco, alcohol, petrol and more have good and bad sides to them including criminal not just health.

@Planetaryexplorer couldn't agree more!

I don’t care what my DP spends his money on (he spends most of it playing rugby and socialising with the rugby team), and he wastes LOTS of it.

I waste mine on treats for DC, clothes, beauty treatments etc.

What we spend our personal money on doesn’t impact our joint spending though. If it did, I would have a problem irrespective of what that money was being spent on.

As a separate issue, not related to money, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who smokes Cannabis, because to me, that’s a poor life choice.

I find cannabis very helpful, medicinal, therapeutic etc and I'm very hopeful about this😇
www.thetimes.co.uk/article/cannabis-card-to-help-millions-in-pain-60tq9nrx2

OP’s DP doesn’t have a painful health condition.

Neither do I but I still find cannabis hugely beneficial😊

@Fl1mflam do you also stew your partners bus fare to get to a midwife appoint so you can get your weed? Or lounge around not helping her?

I don't think it's beneficial to her partner.

Steal*

No way would I be having drugs in the house and that would be a thousandfold with children in the house. Also he sounds awful. You surely can do better?!

I told my last ex I have no problem with stoners but there's a fine line between being a stoner and a waster. I'm quite partial myself but I have too many responsibilities to be getting wrecked.
He had no control of his habit and no money to fund it either and I would not sub him so he's off sponging off his mum nowadays.

How do you know he doesn't have any pain? Although the health benefits include more than pain relief.

It’s called ‘dope’ for a reason. Him using your bus fare for your hospital appointment is beyond the pale. Weed is a one way ticket to poor mental health and lack of ambition.

I wouldn't even date someone who took illegal drugs tbh, never mind have a child with them. As a teacher I've seen what weed does to the attitude and motivation levels of teenagers. I certainly wouldn't tolerate a manchild who prioritises his habit over his partner and child.

You really should have had this discussion before starting a family, you knew who he was, he hasn't changed, you have (for the better).

It is his decision if he ignores your discussion and continues to smoke or not, and his decision if he helps his heavily pregnant partner or plays video games. You can't change what he is. The decision you get to make its whether you stay and put up with it.

I dont see it as much different to alcohol. Smoking it during the day, all day, every day isn't on - just like drinking would not be. Drunkenly waving at you struggling down the road not different to stoned waving at you. Getting high when your partner could go into labour at any moment, also not ok. Yes it does have some health benefits in certain circumstances, but being stoned should not be any more socially acceptable than being drunk.

Well leaving you to struggle ,when he can clearly see you needed help is very thoughtless IMO. TBH .When you are an Adult I cant see what benefit this drug brings really .With a young child and being pregnant as well .I think I would consider life as a SP! If you were married to a heavy Drinker it would be similar I think .The thing is with young children their welfare has to come first .If he is stoned a lot of the time ,then he will be "out of it" and unable to play with DC or take his fair share of the chores.Will he smoke in front of them? Also residue fumes in a flat will be in the air with the baby as well

He's lazy and selfish with the weed, but you don't know what he'd be like without it. he should quit, and you should find out, because the current situation is unsustainable.

Even if he isn't magically Mr Helpful when he doesn't smoke, I don't think you'll get anywhere while he does. In my experience stoners can't even see that they are outrageously lazy and selfish and if you try to point out the huge burden that they are offloading onto someone else by doing so little, they honestly think you are getting uptight about nothing. So they see it as them being aggressed by your bad personality.

Weed smoking and children are not a great combination.

He is going to have to address his addiction - you are already noticing it causing problems with his ability to care for you and your unborn baby.

I have known fathers who have smoked a lot of dope and their wives have ultimately left them over it, partly because the increased stress of children caused them mental health problems that were exacerbated or perhaps caused by their drug use.

You have given up which is an amazing achievement - you can't force him to do the same but you will probably start to notice now the impact that it has.