Am I in the wrong?

[Namechange313]

NC for this as it could be outing

I’m 26 and when I was around 5, I was told the Man I called dad was not actually my bio dad. My bio dad had left before I was born and wanted nothing to do with me or mum.

It was a shock however I have always thought of him as my dad and have continued to this day to refer to him as dad, and I always will as he had brought me up (he met mum when I was 1)

However I was always told that it was a secret and I must NEVER tell anyone ever. I went through life lying about how my parents met and it always felt wrong.

I met my boyfriend when I was 17 and after a few years I told him about the dad situation. He was fine about it and understood that I did have a dad, he just technically wasn’t my bio dad.

I have always had an overwhelming curiousity about my bio dad, he lives in Australia and I knew his name so a few years ago I searched for him and was looking at the pictures of him and his kids (my half siblings) I wasn’t told much about him by mum and whenever I brought him up I would be told to never talk about it again as it was a taboo subject.

So once my boyfriend knew, I was finally able to talk to someone about it. It felt good and I decided I’d like to message him, I wanted to hear from him why he left us, if he told anyone about me and a few other things. I didn’t particularly want to meet him ever but I just always had the burning questions.

Long story short he responded but didn’t really seem Interested in conversing with me so we left it there and haven’t spoken since (this was 4 years ago)

I didn’t tell mum and dad at the time as I didn’t wanna hurt them and I knew they wouldn’t understand my reasons for doing it.

Last week I was talking to mum and I decided to come clean and told her everything.

Since then my dad has ignored me, we had a chat last night (me mum and dad) where I explained my reasons and in no way was I trying to replace him, I just needed answers and wasn’t interested in meeting him at all.

I was shouted at a lot for being so vindictive and called a “snake” lots of crying. My dad actually stormed off in the end and said I was ungrateful for everything. I had tried to explain that I absolutely loved him to death and was so so grateful for him raising me and I will always call him dad. But he wouldn’t listen.

He was very angry I’d told me (now fiancé) and said I should’ve always kept it a secret. I said I’m an open and honest person and I don’t feel like I should, if people judge us then whatever, I know he’s my dad and surely that’s all that matters. But making up elaborate lies about the situation wasn’t the right way and they cannot expect me to lie forever when it’s my life it affects.

Right now they have both shut me out of their lives, I’m feeling very hurt and I miss them both. I have told them both how much I appreciate and love them but they think I’m ungrateful and just want to chase after my bio dad who doesn’t “give a fuck” about me anyway.

I’m now questioning if I’m in the wrong or not? I need You to tell me, as people reading this with no bias towards either side. Was I wrong for contacting my dad? Or telling my partner? Should I have always kept it a secret? Thanks for reading

You aren't wrong, they are.
The 'Don't call him Grandad' message is spite.
There was no need for any of this, unless...was your dad's 'condition' for taking you on that no-one would know? What about other people in the family? Lying to a child about parentage is barking, but people used to do it all the time.
You had every right to contact your biological father. Be at peace in your mind because everything you have done is right. Their problems are of their own making.

@Namechange313

Little update, received a text from mum. She’s said since I’m so dead set on being open and honest. They want DD (who is 18 months) to stop calling him grandad (she already refers to him as this) and start calling him by his real name. She says when DD is older then she can decide for herself if she wants to call him grandad but until then it’s just his name

Your mam is emotionally abusing you, I would tell her to stop contacting you until the figure it out and think why you wanted to know about your biological heritage.

Your mum is a horrible person.

Oh OP they're being so childish and petty, I'm so sorry. My childhood was similar in that my 'real' dad was a taboo subject (he left my mum for OW when she was pregnant with me), only ever referred to as 'him' and I didn't feel I could ask any questions about him. As an adult I'm aware it would hurt my mum massively for me to contact him but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious in the same way you were and it frustrates me that I don't feel I can contact him because of DM's feelings.

But, while I understand your DP's being hurt in the same way I know my DM would be, no one is considering your feelings here OP. You have a perfectly reasonable and understandable curiosity about your father and your DP's are being incredibly selfish to not even try to understand that from your perspective. The text about your DD is pure spite and I would be hugely hurt and disappointed that they could bring her into this.

I feel really sad for you because you absolutely don't deserve to be treated like this, especially not by your DP's. I hope it helps a little to know you've done nothing wrong but I'm aware nothing will help the hurt they've caused you by reacting like this, I'm so sorry they're being so unfair

Oh no, that message from your mum is awful, they both sound seriously unhinged. Even if there was a valid reason they didn't want you getting in touch with him, they still shouldn't have treated you this way.

I would tell them how unreasonable they are being and I would also speak to another member of the family, an aunt or someone who knows them, just in case they start bad mouthing you and/or lying about why you've fallen out

They are being horrible, mean and spiteful. The only kind interpretation is that still waters run deep and perhaps there is more to this than you know. Years of insecurity that you would trace your bio dad? Perhaps he was abusive? Embarrassment and shame? (not sure why they would feel that way) They have sort of decided not to simply live as the family you were (and who cares if anyone finds out) but to live a lie. It actually sounds like they need some mental health support.

No you're not in the wrong. They're being extremely selfish and immature. They can't rewrite reality and expect others to play along.

I'm in the same situation except I'm the mum. When my DD told me she'd make contact with her bio dad I was shocked and very upset, but I kept it to myself as she had every right to do that. I was more worried about the damage he'd do to her though than myself. Thankfully her head is screwed on right and she very quickly realised what an utter shit he is and cut him out herself.

You're update is horrendous. Your parents want to punish your DD, a baby, to hurt you. Fuck that shit. Tell them to fuck off until they grow the fuck up. Unbelievably nasty and cruel people.

Yes on reflection you should tell them that neither of them will be being grandparents at all if they think they’re going to upset a toddler as “revenge”. Tell them to get over themselves and grow up. That they should be ashamed of themselves.

Wow their reaction and your update. That's unacceptable.

They are wrongly making this all about them and what the want. Of course you are curious about your bio dad - most people would be. If you hadn't been forced to maintain their secret this situation would have unfolded totally differently - but they don't seem to be able to see that. Are they usually very controlling? Do they usually make you feel bad if you 'break their rules' or act independently?

You are not in the wrong though and I would not be placating them in this situation. I would back off and give them time to cool down.

Given your mother’s reaction, I would have to wonder what else went on at the time, and why your bio father had no contact. Is your mother usually this controlling? Might she have behaved really badly towards your bio father?

@Honeyroar

Yes on reflection you should tell them that neither of them will be being grandparents at all if they think they’re going to upset a toddler as “revenge”. Tell them to get over themselves and grow up. That they should be ashamed of themselves.

I would send them exactly this in a text

How utterly utterly horrid for you op, I really feel for you do they not realise that actually THEY have created this issue, not you! They decided not to tell anyone, they decided to keep it from you until you were 5! None of this is your fault. Of course you're curious, why wouldn't you be, of course you need to talk to your df about this, why wouldn't you! This is your dp issue not yours. Plus using their gc to lash out at you. I'd be seriously considering letting them see your dc ever again after that remark

Why was your dd calling him grandad in the first place? That was incredibly disgusting on your mums part to allow this man to be called dad and grandad when he isnt

Have you misread this missbipolar

The man has been the OPs (non bio) dad for all her living memory. Of course the OPs daughter would call him grandad.

Your parents are being really cruel and unfair. You have done nothing wrong and they are being so hurtful. It sounds like they buried their heads in the sand - the only strategy they had for the situation was that there'd be no fall out to deal with, because no one would ever know. Rather than thinking of course this day would come and being sensitive to your natural curiosity.

They are wrong OP and in time they will see that. They are lashing out in fear and defensiveness because they feel their lack of control. But this is not your fault. You did not ask for any of this. It is not of your doing xx

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's so, so unfair of your parents.

You are 100% right to have shared your history with your partner, and also 100% right to have tried to connect with your bio dad if that's what you wanted to do.

Have your parents been over bearing in other areas of your life? I can't believe they've been balanced throughout and now behaving in this completely unreasonable and unwarranted way.

I'm so sorry for you x

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and your parents — all of them — emerge very badly from this. The spiteful request to stop your toddler calling your non-bio dad ‘Grandad’ is incredible. They seem to think this is their secret you’ve ‘betrayed’, rather than something key to your own life and identity, and which you’ve a perfect right to investigate and talk to your partner about.

Be very kind to yourself.

My dad called me tonight and asked me, “what will you say if DD ever wants to contact bio dad, as it’s technically her grandad and she might be curious like you” I said that I’d tell her that’s fine. He got angry and put the phone down.

To the posters asking if they’re overbearing, yes they were always like that while I was growing up, wasn’t allowed out as a teenager etc

My dad said his reasoning behind DD calling him by name is because when she eventually is told (at an appropriate age) she might decide she doesn’t want to call him grandad, so he would rather that heartbreak not happen and just not have the name grandad in the first place. It’s all so bizarre and I never realised what drama queens my parents are. I’m taking a break from it all for a few weeks. I hope that they’ll cool off and realise they’ve been stupid but I’m not confident about that

I think you probably have to put your foot down. They’ve spent your life dancing to their tune. This is your life, you’re a parent, you decide now. Enough jumping through hoops. You’re right. They’re being really silly. Don’t pander to them. They need to get over themselves. If not they’re going to lose special people..

[quote MilkTwoSugarsThanks]@Namechange313 - I come from a family that isn't so much broken as smashed to smithereens and so does DH so I do realise how hard it is.

From personal experience my advice would be to step back a little, let your mum & dad work through their hurt and use that time to work through your own. Keep regular light contact so they know you're open to getting back to how things were but don't push for more.

And remember that also applies to you. Don't be pushed for more than you can give either iykwim.

Good luck.[/quote]
I think this is really good advise.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I'm in a similar situation with my DD but we haven't hidden it from her. I can't lie, I will be upset WHEN (because I'm realistic) she decides to make contact with her bio dad but that's because of how I feel about the situation BUT I know that it's natural for her to be curious and would never take it out on her! They are being completely irrational.

Please don't underestimate the trauma your parents are putting you through at the moment. If possible get some therapy so you don't carry these feelings around for years in the same way they clearly have.

Wish you all the best xxxx

You have done nothing wrong at all and they are really showing their teue colours. I think I'd distance myself quite a bit from them and let them know that whilst they couldn't behave like adults, they have no place in yours or your DDs life. They sound like a right pair of arseholes.