‘You’ll never get what you’re looking for from him’

[Thisisntwrong]

Is what my uncle said tonight about my dad ... he phoned me the other night and gave me a barrage of abuse, a lot directed at my mum, my grandma, uncles and aunts too ...

He’s my dad but he’s very, very rarely shown me any love, affection, kindness or consideration . In his life the only person who is important is him, he does everything in order to look better to others .

I’ve been told time and time again that his behaviour towards me is abusive; there was concern that abuse has been of a sexual nature at times, not that he hurt me but he was inappropriate and still is at times .

He was certainly abusing my mum in every single sense . I was shown my social work files once and there’s paperwork showing I was witness to physical/sexual abuse and brought up in a home unfit for habitation - we didn’t have a working sewage system .

My uncle has said he can’t advise me but he said everything my dad says is absolute nonsense and I’m better off keeping away from him if I can .

So why, why, why at 30 years old do I still feel obligated to contact him, apologise when he’s angry with me and concern myself with what he thinks ? Why am I scared to ask him to go away ? Why do I still hang onto photos of him, and try to pretend in my head that he does care and does love me?

Bumping for you.

I'm no expert but it sounds like you are trauma bonded, where the victim defends the abuser and is still attached to them.

You don't have to ask him to go away. You stop contacting him or answering the phone or texting when he contacts you. It's a hard thing to do and may take many tries. Don't announce it he will use it as a stick to beat you with. Start low contact and feel the peace in your life. Notice the stress when you have had contact and eventually you stop all together. My Dh took till he was mid 30's and hasn't looked back.

Have you had counselling as it sounds like it could help you.

Your Uncle sounds about right

Look up co dependency, therapy is bandied around extensively on this site. But for people like yourself having been there myself you do need therapy to understand why. Your uncle is sadly correct.

I agree there is no point announcing it hoping that if mentioned he would change. Just back away, I did this with my Mother as did another sister one lovely sister couldn’t at all and was a dutiful daughter to the end and when my Mother died she had a breakdown whereas I felt as if a veil was lifted and was much happier as was the other sister who backed away. My Mother allowed sexual abuse of her daughters. I’m the only sister to have had extensive therapy out of us. You owe him absolutely nothing.

Also look up trauma bonding. Check out the organisation MIND, a really decent MH charity. Take care.