Ending up with "friends" you don't actually like - anyone else?

[BridesmaidDilemma]

Because I don't like offending people I've ended up with high maintenance "friendships" I didn't mean to even have in the first place. For example at uni there was a "bonkers" girl who most people found a bit much, and so she was left on her own and I felt bad so would sit with her etc and then went out with her on her birthday and now I am in the position where she's asked me to be her chief bridesmaid. She's no less bonkers, she does my head in and whilst well meaning she's really hard work - like a toddler.

It's not the first time. Sounds really crap but I just feel like I don't really like many of my friends and never really did - I was/am just too wet to move along or say no thank you.

Anyone else? - perhaps I'm a bit of a loner or just don't know how to form healthy friendships! I feel envious when I see pics of a big girls night out with people seemingly genuinely enjoying the company of others, or having true best friends. I'd love to have that fun/platonic connection with someone else or others.

My relationship with DH is lovely, (we've been together over a decade) maybe that's all I need!

You must have some friends you like? Can you work on those friendships and let the others slide. Having said that I have a long term friendship that's gone stale and I'm too much of a wimp to do anything about it.

I have a few (less than five tbh) friends I like in a "they're nice/interesting/friendly" way - I'd definitely call them if something amazing or shite had happened to them, or send a card or present - but I'd not phone them in an emergency myself or organise a night out with them. Maybe I like them because they don't make demands on me, and I don't make demands on them. Realising I sound really antisocial!

Think of it this way, if they didn’t like you then surely they would cut you loose wouldn’t they? Sorry to be harsh but your time is too precious to waste on people who you can’t be bothered to spend time with. Oh and by the way, it’s absolutely fine if DH is your best friend.

Yes! I was thinking this today. I seem to often end up with friendships I don’t enjoy. I always end up feeling guilty when I try to put them on a back burner. I did manage to walk away from a particularly toxic example A few years ago but I totally understand what you mean.

I actually think you sound quite cruel. Imagine someone liking you and wanting you to be her bridesmaid and secretly you don't like her at all. If you have spent ten years putting up with behaviour you don't like and you have never walked away and said enough is enough, she probably just thinks you find her ways quirky and charming. I'd be devastated if I found out that someone who I thought was a close friend only came near me in the first place as a sort of patronising sympathy vote and has never liked me from the start.

It is fine to be a loner, big groups of friends aren't compulsory. But stringing people along is school bully behaviour.

I have an old school friend who's just downright racist. I've had to tell her to stop sharing stuff on FB or I'll block her. I've been really quite strong telling her what I think of her views but she still thinks we're "best" friends.

I never noticed it when we were young and I can't place when it started, until about mid 30s we really were very good friends.

I haven't seen her for ages but every few months I get a "must meet up" message.

I actually think you sound quite cruel. Imagine someone liking you and wanting you to be her bridesmaid and secretly you don't like her at all. If you have spent ten years putting up with behaviour you don't like and you have never walked away and said enough is enough, she probably just thinks you find her ways quirky and charming. I'd be devastated if I found out that someone who I thought was a close friend only came near me in the first place as a sort of patronising sympathy vote and has never liked me from the start

This.

Sounds to me like you are on some sort of power trip.

I am in exactly the same position and I'm so glad you wrote this.

My theory is that when I was younger I really wanted to feel secure and needed by my friends so I made friends with needy people. Now I'm older I realise that this is not a good basis for a relationship and with DC, DH, big job and demanding wider family I just do not have time for the neuroses.

I don't know what to do either as I feel absolutely cruel breaking up with my old friends but equally cannot spend any time with them without feeling drained. Not sure what the answer is - but in the future I plan to be much more careful when picking friends.

BTW I also made friends with the most difficult girl at university- by a long shot. I do love her in a way as she has some great qualities but wow she is is hard work. Helpfully she now lives in NZ.

I've not initiated anything. I've gone along with what they wanted, largely.

I generally do an annual check on my friendship group to see if there are any I no longer want to continue with (mostly becaduse I meet lots of people through events).

I ended a friendship with a person once and they started some social medai argument about how rude it was blah blah so I pointed out that they make no effort and we barely talk so we aren't really friends. Only for her to say well I never wanted to be your friend anyway....

I found that quite disgusting really, I went out of my way to make efforts to see if there was a friendship there when all the while she didn't want to be friends and then have a cheek cos I let her go.

Honestly if you don't like them move on from them and find people you want to be friends with.

Less draining on your energy and you stay authentic to yourseld