My mother hates me

[Sophiesmummy20]

Posting here for traffic
I have found out my own mother has been badmouthing me for years behind my back, then sweet as pie to my face. I have read the emails and text messages so it isn’t gossip.
I’m really upset as we used to be close before this. She has called me names, judged my parenting (I have recently had my second baby and I struggled for a while), told people I have a dirty home, said my baby is ugly and deformed, told people my husband visits prostitutes because I’m frigid, made my aunt turn her back on me and threatened to call social services because my daughter fell and cut her knee at nursery.
I will be going NC as this is all unforgivable, but I have no other relatives to turn to as she has convinced them all that I have turned on her now she has been caught out.
I think I’m mainly looking to rant and ask advice on how to move on from this, I didn’t think my own mother would be so cruel and nasty to me for no reason and I can’t stop crying.

That’s just so shocking, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do you have a supportive partner / friends?

Thank you, yes my husband has been great. He is angry that these things have been said but he is also as puzzled as me. She said it is all lies but I have it written in black and white, dated, sent from her email address/phone number to my aunt. I can’t accept that she feels that way towards my children, her grandchildren, most of all.

Thats awful. God, you must feel so deeply betrayed

I think some people do this about everyone regardless and it is almost a mental health problem but given the level of what she’s said I would find it hard to have contact too. How distressing and would it help to talk to your aunt and say how hurt you are?

That's so awful, to be betrayed by the one person who should have your back no matter what. She must be a deeply troubled and bitter woman to attack her own daughter in such an underhand way. Sad as it is, and you must be devastated, you are better off without her in your life.

I’m sorry to hear this OP. Going NC is the best thing to do.
Is there any indication at all why she has been bad mouthing you? Has this been going on for a long time or more recently? Do you think she could be going through some mental health issues if this is a more recent thing and normally out of her character? If not it must be very hard to understand why she is doing this.

Why has your Aunt sent you the messages? Is she showing you why she has turned her back on you because she believes what’s been said?

I think the only thing you can do is ignore it all and get on with your life. You don’t need this nastiness getting you down.

Thank you all, I feel like I have wasted so many years in her life and allowed her in my children’s lives all while she has been talking about us like this.
She had a falling out with my aunt and my aunt sent me everything she’d been saying. There is more, these are just the examples. Since then they have made up and my aunt is attacking me for being angry.
My life feels like I lie. These women raised me. Everything I confide in them about, they use against me and gossip. I’m heartbroken. Will the social services believe anything she tells them? I am scared she will make false reports to punish me for NC.

Some messages go back 5 years, so even before my children were born she was talking about me. It could be mental health related, although I’m not aware of any. She is clearly a vile person and I had no idea.

Keep the details so that you have evidence to show SS that it's malicious if she does.

It's awful when you realise someone who should care, isn't able to. Basically she has a certain pattern of behaving, of making things about her. She says things like that to curry favour with people and get people to feel sorry for her or give her attention.

It's not about you, it's about her. I'm very sad for you that she's like that.

I'm so sorry, you must be devastated.

The first thing you need is distance. If you want to forgive them (your aunt is equally culpable in this) then you will need distance from it first. It's impossible IME to forgive someone for something they are still doing to you, it needs to be in the past.

Eventually you may forgive them, but I'd advise you to still limit contact. You know what they are now, and what they are is toxic. Once you know that nettle sting, you avoid nettles. Do that with them.

Ok, so:

Your mum and aunt gossip about you
They then fell out
Your aunt then sent you the emails
They then made up

Is that right?

It sounds like the whole side of the family is disfunctional, with the disputes and gossip. I wonder if your aunt is trying to prove to your mum that she’s an ally by agreeing with her comments whilst setting up the next falling out with her by sending them to you and the extended family?

I’d definitely be keeping a good distance from them at least for now. Is there a relative that you can trust to keep you informed of what’s happening but without it being awful for you?

Go NC with both your Mum and Aunt, they are obviously as bad as each other. It is very upsetting for you as you believed they were both your closest supporters. It’s a horrible thing to discover. What they have been saying is unforgivable, I can’t possibly see what they could ever say to make this right.
Don’t live in fear of SS, as another PP said keep all the emails and texts you have received just in case you need them as evidence they are both vindictive people trying to cause trouble. I’m sure SS see a lot of this and can soon weed out nonsense reports. So don’t dwell on this at all.

Focus on yourself and your family and moving forward from this. Consider some counselling because what you are going through is akin to a bereavement.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I haven’t got any other relatives ‘on my side’ so to speak, I’m now very isolated. If my aunt hadn’t sent me anything I would be none the wiser so it’s good I now know. I can’t imagine any parent speaking about their child like that. I don’t know what to tell my dd when she asks for grandma.