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Original poster

Family drama, WWYD? Please help

30 replies

familydramaaa · 13/09/2020 10:47

I have a 2 month old DD. She is the only great grandchild of my grandma, and her health has declined in the last 18 months. Grandma lives there hours away near some other relatives. I would like DD meet grandma, but I am worried about making the situation worse and would like advice on what others would do.

The other relatives near grandma have an issue with my DH. Won't go into details, but out of all friends/family it is only these relatives who have an issue. I suggested meeting halfway ie. 90 mins away so my grandma can meet DD. I feel like a three hour trip there is quite long for a young baby, and I've got pets at home and I would need to find someone to come in and see to them etc, so it's just not the easiest option.

Anyway, these relatives stipulated that it has to be me and my DD only, DH can't come. They have also now said grandma doesn't like him either, although this is news to me, grandma asks after him etc. I haven't asked grandma directly how she feels about him as I haven't wanted to put her on the spot. This stipulation from the relatives has put my nose out of joint. DH is DD's father, and this isn't about them meeting DD, it is about grandma meeting her. Ideally I would like DH to come even if we met 90 mins away so I can sit in the back with DD, but with this stipulation it forces me to go on my own. DH might not be able to get time off work for the right day anyway, and I would cope, but IMO that's different to them refusing to bring grandma and meet if DH comes with us.

I've already been given the 'we don't know how long grandma has left...' emotional blackmail to try and get me to banish DH from coming. This has made me really cross, and I feel that they are using grandma as a pawn because she can no longer drive so can't meet us halfway herself.

Ultimately I have a few options:

A) go to see grandma three hours away. Can't really afford to stay overnight anywhere so would have to come back the same day, and I wouldn't want to add the extra pressure on grandma to put us up for the night. So it would mean six hours of driving in one day with a two month old baby. Even with breaks, is that a complete no?

B) see if a friend from near grandma will bring her halfway to meet us. The odds are it would probably be me and DD only, but if DH could switch his day off he could come as the relatives won't be there. I think my friend would do this and deal with the wrath of my relatives if there is any, but I worry about how shitty the relatives might be if I do this. Sort of feels like they own grandma right now.

C) abandon the idea of grandma and DD meeting for now, but I do worry how long grandma May be around for.

D) suck it up and meet halfway with relatives even though I feel incredibly unhappy about it. Also, if I'm on my own and need to go to the loo etc it kind of forces me to leave her with them for a few mins and I don't feel comfortable with that (would feel ok leaving her with friend). Part of the issue with D is I think given how strongly I feel that I would find it hard to be on good form for grandma because I'd be having to fake nicey nice conversation with the relatives and I would feel quite anxious about the whole thing. And that is without worrying about DD being inconsolable and me being able to figure out why and other genera new mum worries!

WWYD? I am grossly overthinking I know. I am worried about making the situation blow up even more, but I am also fearful of missing grandma's chance to meet DD. Grandma absolutely wants to meet DD. Really for me, I think it's between options A and B, but I feel option A could be out just because of the time driving with such a young baby.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 13/09/2020 10:51

Can Grandma come and stay with you for a couple of days?

MillyMollyFarmer · 13/09/2020 10:51

Anyway, these relatives stipulated that it has to be me and my DD only, DH can't come.

The answer to that is a flat no. Never do it. You are a family unit. It’s incredibly disrespectful of you and your relationship. If you ever went along with it you would be disrespecting your own husband. Don’t do it. Ever.

I would abandon the idea and try and sort a FaceTime or similar so she can see your DD and talk at least. Some things are just more trouble than they’re worth. It’s not the end of everything if they don’t meet, it would be nice but your family are making it difficult. Manipulative arseholes.

ellentree · 13/09/2020 10:52

I did A (but with my husband) so mine could meet their frail great grandparents. Went up early with two breaks and same on the way back and it was fine. So I would do that.

B sounds ok too but wouldn't want to keep as few people involved as possible with the virus.

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ellentree · 13/09/2020 10:53

*would want as few people involved, not wouldn't.

Pipandmum · 13/09/2020 10:54

Option A. And ask your grandmother direct what SHE wants. It's none of the other relatives business. Would your husband come if she's happy to see him?
I took my six week old to Spain so I think you should be able to cope with a the drive - your baby will probably sleep for a good part of the trip.

HeddaGarbled · 13/09/2020 10:55

Does your grandmother want to see the baby? Sometimes we think seeing our babies is some sort of benediction that it’s necessary to bestow upon people, when actually they’re not that fussed.

If she does, I think you need to go to her, not get involved in this meeting half way with difficult relatives complications. Go with your H, make it a day out with stops on the journey both ways.

ChicCroissant · 13/09/2020 11:00

I haven't asked grandma directly how she feels about him as I haven't wanted to put her on the spot.

You need to ask her. At the moment, you want to meet up with just her without the other relatives and unless you drive to her house that's not going to be possible. The issue with option A is that is it a long drive for your baby, yet car sharing with someone outside of your support bubble isn't recommended either for your grandma (which might be an issue if your friend takes her).

If you are not prepared to fake nicey-nice conversation (to use your phrase) with the relatives that you don't like, but you expect them to do that for your husband I don't think that's going to be a winning strategy! I think C is your only option at the moment, presumably the friend who might provide a lift hasn't met your baby either?

WitchWand · 13/09/2020 11:03

I'd do what I wanted. I wouldn't do what everyone else in the extended family wanted.
But, I would also prepare myself to cope with the shit they might throw my way after - holding my head high Smile
Great way to start off showing my DD how to go about living in a family. 😊

giletrouge · 13/09/2020 11:04

Can you not just cut them out of it, and go and see grandma with your dh on a day of your choosing? Better to have both of you for the journey, looking after little one etc. I'm thinking that's option A?
No point arguing with people who are hostile, and it's too upsetting. You can manage it with dh, stop for breaks if you need to etc, make it as relaxed as possible.

BlueDream · 13/09/2020 11:14

Why do they have such a problem with DH?

kierenthecommunity · 13/09/2020 11:14

I appreciate you said granny is frail but has she all her facilities? If so why are these third parties involved? Is she capable of making lucid decisions? How old is this lady? Can’t you just call her yourself?

I’d make the effort to visit her if she is indeed on her way out, as asking a frail person to endure a 90 minute car journey there and back is a bit much.

Can’t you just say ‘is it right you don’t want DH to visit?’ And If she asks what on earth you’re on about and of course he’s welcome, just say you must have got the wrong end of the stick?

HyacynthBucket · 13/09/2020 11:16

I would do Option A but with DH to share the driving. If he arrives with you, there will be nothing your relatives can do about it then (just do not say he is coming).

TSSDNCOP · 13/09/2020 11:21

C

Unless you're prepared to have a 1:1 convo with granny. If DH isn't a problem for her, get her to ask a relative to drive her to the rendezvous.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 13/09/2020 11:23

I don't think it's fair to expect an elderly woman to travel that far or to a public place at the minute. If you want granny to meet the baby then you need to travel to her and certainly not expect other relatives to take a 3 hour round trip to do so.

Beautiful3 · 13/09/2020 11:50

I wouldnt drive all that way with a baby unless I could share the driving with my husband. Think it would have to be a regular phone call and a letter with a photograph attached. That would make her feel connected.

EnoughAlready2020 · 13/09/2020 12:04

Go with your DH. Nothing to do with your relatives. Unless you're going to drip feed and there is a massive backstory between your DH and nan, your relatives have no say.

Call your Nan and say you're all going to come up and see what she says.

Catapultme · 13/09/2020 12:13

Anything that doesn't involve the other relatives.

The drive should be doable so long as you plan for as many breaks as you need and maybe try to drive back at bedtime. If you went to see grandma would they be likely to ambush you when you got there? If your friend is willing to help that sounds a good plan.

Don't let the emotional blackmail get to you- if they loved grandma they'd put up with your dh for a couple of hours so she could see the baby

OhCaptain · 13/09/2020 12:17

Just do A. It doesn't have to be that dramatic.

One day of a long car journey won't kill you or your baby. Take breaks to feed and stretch. Leave early, spend a couple of hours with grandma, head home after lunch.

Duty done. No big deal. DH doesn't have to be there.

diddl · 13/09/2020 12:33

Arrange something directly with your GM. Husband goes or not depending on work-don't bother with the other relatives.

Solongtoshort · 13/09/2020 12:34

Does Grandma live with these relatives if not it has nothing to do with them, go and see her not them.

Can you stay over for the night at the friends house who was willing to drive your grandma half way?

Also you only had a baby 8 weeks ago, l know she is frail, but is she frail in good spirits or ill frail. I think asking an 80 year old to travel for you would be too much and on the other hand l think it’s a lot for you too, but we are all different.

SuzieCarmichael · 13/09/2020 12:37

Option A with DH sharing the driving. Is your grandmother totally comfortable meeting you given Covid, etc, though?

Original poster
familydramaaa · 13/09/2020 12:39

Thanks so much for all the posts, option A sounds like it might be the one! I wasn't sure if it was stupid to expect to be able to drive six hours in a day with a baby. DH has got a week off coming up, and with enough notice my DM can come and see to our pets whilst we are gone for a whole day. Grandma definitely does want to meet DD. I will ring her to ask re DH.

The reason I have held off is because relatives have made me doubt how well or unwell grandma is. She still lives by herself albeit relatives help in terms of she doesn't drive anymore so they will take her to appts if she needs to go. Grandma is more forgetful now, sometimes she will ask something I told her the week before, it's her short term memory that's less good not her long term memory. She was unwell last autumn/winter and I can't remember the name of it but she is OK on medication at the moment. She is 88.

Also in terms of the friend and Covid, said friend is retired and has minimal contact with others. I would have spoken to grandma about how she felt about that etc beforehand. Funnily enough the relatives said grandma would love a day out and a couple of hours in the car is no problem. It was only a few days later they brought up DH and said grandma isn't a fan of him either. That then made me think yikes grandma has never said that to me, hence I haven't spoken to grandma about it all directly because I didn't want to upset her, but I do wonder if they may have stretched the truth on that one...

OP posts:
giletrouge · 13/09/2020 12:47

I'd put money on the truth-stretching OP. Unless grandma comes straight out and says don't bring DH, take no notice.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 13/09/2020 12:50

There is another option..could you get a friend or neighbour of your grandmas to take a mobile phone round and sit with her to show her how to use it and then have a video call together? This cuts everyone out and your grandma could see you and the baby without all the travelling too...short term til the littl eone is a bit older and it becomes a bit of a safer world this could help bridge the gap...just for now x

Solongtoshort · 13/09/2020 13:31

Just as a side point, my family are not my DH’s biggest fans, but they love me enough to put up with him and l would never leave him out.

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