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Original poster

Is there anything left for me?

19 replies

Chattorney · 13/09/2020 00:06

I'm sorry if this comes across as a totally self indulgent post. I truly have so much to be thankful for but I'm really struggling at the minute to see a positive future.

In the last five years I've lost both my parents, my aunty who was more like a grandma to me, and my Dh of 24 years. Since my dh died I had a relationship with someone who I thought was genuine, and who I thought had true feelings for me. It turns out he didn't - and not only didn't he, he was in a long standing relationship which I had no idea about, and which came as a huge shock when I found out.

I just can't envisage a fulfilling future :(. I love my dc hugely but (thankfully) they all have lives of their own. I love my friends but they are all in very different places to me. I love my job but it doesn't stimulate me the way it did, and doesn't provide opportunities to expand my life in any way or to meet new people.

I had a very happy marriage which in a way is now making me realise I will never find that again, I will never find someone who loved me the way Dh did. I'm just feeling a bit lonely and sorry for myself. It seems to have hit home hard in the last few weeks that there's no one who really has my back anymore, and that everything is down to me.

Like I said, I really do have a lot of reasons to be grateful and I do realise that. So how do I stop feeling this way? :(.

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 13/09/2020 00:12

You don't need someone to make your life worthwhile. Do you have any interests and dreams and ambitions that were buried a bit when you were raising your family? Try and rediscover these. Being on your own can be a great opportunity to really do something purely for yourself. To grow and achieve. Stop thinking about the negatives - shake yourself up and do something new to expand your world.

Iggypoppie · 13/09/2020 00:15

So sorry for your losses Are there any widow support groups you could connect with?

thesunwillout · 13/09/2020 00:24

Pipandmum

Well done on that supportive post.

Op, you've been through alot losing all those people so close to you.
I can only say that reaching out on here is a start and with many other lonely people out there/here I hope you'll find comfort and understanding.

Feeling 'sorry' for yourself is absolutely fine, you must nurture yourself.
It's very hard to feel that no-one has your back.
I understand that.
I hope you find some peace xx

Original poster

Chattorney · 13/09/2020 00:24

Thank you both for your replies. Pip this is the attitude I want to have, ie focusing on the positives. I want to see so many places but, even without Covid, finance is an obstacle to this. And I just seem to have lost any ambitions and to have lost all confidence.

Iggy thank you. Yes there are groups I could join, and I have actually joined one of them. But I find that there's a lot of looking back which of course has its place but is perhaps not so good for me now.

OP posts:

MadameBlobby · 13/09/2020 00:26

I’m not sure I have any advice but

Original poster

Chattorney · 13/09/2020 00:26

Thank you thesun for your understanding. MN has been such a great distraction for me over these last few weeks since I've been feeling this way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chattorney · 13/09/2020 00:28

Thank you Madame, all flowers gratefully received :)

OP posts:

ToLiveInPeace · 13/09/2020 00:35

Oh, lass. I'm so sorry for your losses. Other people will have wiser things to say than me but... you may not find another relationship like you had with DH but you may well find one that's different but also wonderful. And there are all those other good things to aim for and believe in.

In case it's any help, I fund my travels through careful frugality. Spend your money on what matters most to you.

dokl · 13/09/2020 00:56

You can only be thankful that you have had people so important In your life that they leave a hole that big. They can't be replaced really just have to adapt to a new life. Some people will never experience having anyone like that, people feel the most lonely surrounded by so many people, but only a few ever matter.

Original poster

Chattorney · 13/09/2020 17:38

Thanks for further messages.

dokl I am thankful, and I do realise many many people never have what I was lucky enough to have. I volunteer on a helpline and I hear so many tragic stories that I'm always telling myself to count my blessings. In my real life interactions with people, I try to remain positive and upbeat.

But I sleep very badly now since Dh died, and there are so many long empty hours where I look ahead and see, well, not very much really. I'm hoping this is just a phase and I'll pull myself round again but I feel constantly alone. Not lonely, but alone.

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MsKeats · 13/09/2020 18:18

I have nothing wise to say. The trauma must be overwhelming at times. My mum's best friend -lost her husband and various other trauma in the last few years. Similiar to you, yet one son is totally estranged. The other son -trauma there. Very difficult. She started seeing a therapist and said the one thing that helped her was "this is not a new Chapter -this is a new book, this is forming a new life -"

Original poster

Chattorney · 13/09/2020 18:33

Thank you MsKeats for your message. I did have some bereavement counselling after dh died, but perhaps a different type of counselling would help now. I hope your mum's friend can find happiness and have a positive future.

OP posts:

bloodywhitecat · 13/09/2020 19:09

You don't come across as self indulgent at all, you have lost so many significant people and discovering what you did about your relationship is enough, on its own, to pull the rug from under the firmest of feet. I would imagine the insomnia is adding to the fog, do you take/do anything to help you sleep?

Pancakeorcrepe · 13/09/2020 19:40

You have been through a lot, I’m not surprised that you are feeling a bit down. These things catch-up with you. Is there something that could give you joy? Perhaps getting a pet or a new hobby? Apologies for these cliche ideas, I know it’s not as easy as that. You sound lovely and I wish you the very best 💐

Original poster

Chattorney · 13/09/2020 19:43

Thank you bloodywhitecat. I've tried pretty much everything you can buy over the counter to help with sleep but I seem to have some sort of strange immunity to everything! At the minute I just use a sleep spray and some rain noises! I've also acclimatised I think and seem to need less sleep these days but the nights are so so long.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chattorney · 13/09/2020 19:45

Oh Pancake - thank you. It's really heartening that complete strangers take the time to write lovely thoughtful posts, and I really appreciate everyone's words.

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FunTimes2020 · 13/09/2020 20:00

@thesunwillout

Pipandmum

Well done on that supportive post.

Feeling 'sorry' for yourself is absolutely fine, you must nurture yourself.
It's very hard to feel that no-one has your back.
I understand that.
I hope you find some peace xx

@Pipandmum is a widow and is always kind and genuine. You sound so lovely, OP. I'm so sorry for your loss and wish I had some wise words for you. To make you laugh, my phone wanted to say..wish I had some trifle!

Original poster

Chattorney · 13/09/2020 21:16

FunTimes send the trifle my way, it'll find a good home :)

OP posts:

belza · 26/09/2020 01:47

My great auntie found her last partner at 82. She died at 97 this year. 82 is so old for a lot of people but she found a soul mate and gained an extra 15 years of love and happiness, even at that age more than people get in a lifetime. She always was an inspiration!

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