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Original poster

Small wedding WWYD?

39 replies

BeccaBloomwood · 12/09/2020 19:45

Posting here for traffic as I need more than just DPs opinion and I'm going to think about nothing else!

DP and I got engaged at the start of the year and before we had gotten round to setting dates and booking something Covid hit.

My dream is to have a small, fuss free wedding with minimal guests and go for a nice meal afterwards. Due to the thought of upsetting various family members we decided against this and started to plan for a medium sized wedding with approx 70 people.

As time has gone on and the stress of actually trying to organise a wedding and pay for it has really hit me, DP and I have seriously considered just doing a small wedding with 15 guests maximum. Due to the change in Covid 19 rules a meal together will most likely be off the cards as we were thinking of December when we both have annual leave booked. But we could still get married, have a meal with our children and book a nice hotel for the night.

The problem is the overwhelming guilt I feel at certain members of the family not being able to come. DP's partner are all very close and we would only be inviting his mum, gran and 3 siblings. Extended family and our nieces and nephews would miss out. I wouldn't be able to have my best friend and her children there and worry about offending step-parents as they would also not be able to come.

When broaching the subject my mum has made me feel guilty about the fact that stepdad would not be able to come and has said she thinks I should wait and throw a bigger celebration. That having a party to celebrate when everything is back to normal would be a bit silly.

So now I'm torn--do we do what we really want and get married with minimal guests a lot sooner than anticipated, save more money but risk upsetting people? Or wait until life returns back to normal and then plan a wedding for maybe Summer 2022 where we can invite all the people we want there? What puts me off is not knowing if things even will be back to normal, and having to wait so long when all I want to do is marry my best friend.

If it's relevant we both just want a simple registry office wedding, no fancy white dress and 3 course meals, just a buffet/disco type party and we are both on low incomes and would be using most of what we have saved on a wedding.

Disclaimer: i'm a few glasses into Saturday night wine time so sorry if this post is a jumbled mess!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2020 03:51

Please, stop living your life only by pleasing other people. This is not their life, not their wedding, not their marriage. These people will get over it, I assure you. Go to the registry as soon as possible with two witnesses and then plan a family party for your first anniversary. My husband and I eloped with 2 witnesses and it was brilliant.

jessstan2 · 13/09/2020 04:14

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I wouldn’t be spending savings on a party in the current climate, which is essentially what most of a wedding is.

If I really wanted to be married, I’d go with my household with two witnesses. The rest is non essential.

Me too.

FishPalace · 13/09/2020 04:36

@Aquamarine1029

This. We just had two witnesses, and this was years pre-Covid. You don’t need a pandemic as an excuse to not be frogmarched into a wedding you don’t want.

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings

Original poster

BeccaBloomwood · 13/09/2020 09:01

In regards to not inviting my parents respective partners, yes that's right. Which does make me sad as I'm very fond of my dad's partner and would love her to be there. We could invite them both, however the situation with my parents is very messy and stressful. They both hate each other and my dad especially hates my stepdad as he was the OM.

Even though I know my dad would behave (especially with our children there) I have always avoided any situation where they would be in the same room and I would rather avoid that tension.

If we had a tiny wedding with just the 2 witnesses, MIL would never forgive us and my granny would be devastated. We had this situation when we chose to get DD christened with just the Godparents present as I wanted to avoid the fuss of a family party and the associated tensions.

It all feels like a bit of a mess, but I absolutely don't want to wait until 2022 as another poster said, we don't know what life will look like by then!

The only other problem is whether we could book a meal with that number of people due to Covid restrictions, as I don't think it would officially be classed as a wedding. And when looking at wedding packages they all include minimum guest numbers, lots of added extras we don't want and are also quite expensive

OP posts:

Original poster

BeccaBloomwood · 13/09/2020 09:04

Also I know you lovely ladies have said to stop living my life to please others, which is exactly the advice I would give to anyone else, BUT just thinking of the reactions from certain people makes me panic and feel guilty

OP posts:

IndiaMay · 13/09/2020 09:04

You are allowed up to 30 at a wedding reception and ceremony at the moment so could go slightly bigger

RandomMess · 13/09/2020 09:19

Geez I would go and elope tbh.

Tell no one, the registry office can usually provide witnesses if you ask.

Lovely posh meal with your DC.

serialreturner · 13/09/2020 09:27

We had a small registry office wedding.

21 for a meal at a PDR after then a (terrible) DJ and food for in the end about 100 in total.

Cost including 5* honeymoon in Thailand - £8k, but luckily I'd just made bonus in work so we could afford it.

Without party - about 5k in total, including dress.

The important thing is the marriage and that's between you and your DP.

Agree with @Jellycatspyjamas

Covid gives you a perfect excuse “we don’t want to invite lots of people and then need to cancel, and we really want to be married, thanks so much for understanding”.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2020 11:14

If we had a tiny wedding with just the 2 witnesses, MIL would never forgive us and my granny would be devastated.

Your MIL would get over it and granny has lived long enough to know how to manage disappointment.

Good grief, op! You're a grown woman, make decisions like one. You seemingly can't afford a wedding anyway, so that should be off the table entirely just in terms of being responsible. You don't need a wedding to get married. Just go get married!

titchy · 13/09/2020 11:23

You have the perfect excuse for a small wedding right now given that you don't want to wait two years for the weeding of your mother's dreams.

Promise everyone that you'll have a big celebration when you're allowed to and that you'll wear the dress you wore to the wedding.

Sunbird24 · 13/09/2020 11:27

Is there any way you could keep it tiny in terms of attendees but livestream it so more people can watch? It isn’t ideal, but you know yourself that getting married is the most important thing, not the wedding. Can any of the people complaining about it make any sensible suggestions about how you can get married this year without upsetting anyone?

EchidnasPhone · 13/09/2020 11:32

I would elope! A family who loves you wouldn’t lay so much guilt on you for not getting their own way! Get married and have a party after if you want to. Don’t wait to make other people happy over your partner and your happiness.

LindaEllen · 13/09/2020 11:36

If it was me (and this is literally what we plan to do!) I would do the ceremony with minimal people, i.e. my partner and witnesses - not family, or this would cause trouble.

Then, when all this has died down, we will hire a venue - just a social club or something - and have a party, just food, drinks and music, to celebrate the wedding.It might be next year or even later, who knows.

It's my worst nightmare (alright, maybe there are worse things, but it's up there) to walk down an aisle in front of lots of people. I'd rather just have us there, because to me marriage is about the vows, not about the spectacle. And then a party would be good later as there's less emphasis on watching us and more on just having a good time as a group of friends and family!

Happynow001 · 13/09/2020 13:39

@BeccaBloomwood

Take a deep breath and just DO it OP! This is a situation where you and your partner (both adults, in charge of your own lives?) should do what works best for you both, financially and otherwise. A case, I think, of asking forgiveness after, if necessary, than asking permission before the fact.

Who knows what the future holds? Grab yours with both hands! 🌹

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